Breakdown Chapter One Part One.

Thanks for all the reviews on the prologue. I've worked on this next part for the past few days so review it please!

That morning I was more nervous then I ever had been in my whole life. I hadn't seen my family in the longest time. They didn't have enough money to visit because of the cost it was to even send me here. As I walked slowly into the cafeteria area to look for my friend I thought of all the changes I would have to endure back in Washington.
I dismissed the thought as I walked into the cafeteria. Plenty of people were already in the long line waiting to get food while some were sitting at the circular tables.
The tan walls were covered with windows that let in a comforting light. I felt a hand fall onto my shoulder I swiveled around and my eyes met a pair of brown ones. "Oh my gosh Peyton! I can't believe you're leaving today!" My best friend here Reese cried.
She toyed with her straight blonde hair as she continued talking, "It won't be the same without you."
"You'll be fine," I assured her. "I'll miss you though. I just came here to say goodbye."
She hugged me and her eyes filled with tears, "Agh! I wish you wouldn't go!" She pulled away slowly. Reese was my basically my only friend here. She didn't have many other friends either. A lot of the kids here were older. She never told me why she was here. I didn't ask. If she didn't want to say anything she didn't have to. I would miss her but I was happy to be leaving, I didn't know how many more intense therapy sessions I could go through. Not that I wouldn't be attending follow-up therapy back at home but I assumed it would be less intense. I hoped it would be less intense.
"Well, I guess this is goodbye." I felt horrible saying it and I wished she could come with me but she couldn't.
Tears fell down her cheeks and she nodded, unwilling to say anymore. "I'll keep in touch," I whispered and walked out of the room.
My own eyes blurred with tears as I grabbed my luggage I had dropped outside the door before I walked into the cafeteria. I had cried myself out, I couldn't do it anymore. So I wiped the tears away violently. Grace approached me, "Your dad is here," she whispered and then pulled me into a strong hug. "Take care of yourself, don't blow it."
I nodded, "I won't," my voice broke and I pulled away from her.
"I'll miss you kiddo," she said with a smile.
"I'll miss you too," I answered.
"Well, I'll let you go. Your dad is waiting by the door." My stomach filled with butterflies. I wondered what he might think of me? Did he hate me like my mom did? The questions swarmed through my head as I walked towards the large entry doors. My dad saw me and he smiled. Every doubt disappeared as he pulled me into a tight hug.
"I missed you so much," he said softly and pulled away from me. He looked into my eyes and I smiled.
"I missed you too," I responded. He didn't look much like me. He looked more like my brother, Mark. He was rather tall with a medium build. His hair was cut short to his head almost military style. I looked into his dark brown eyes, he looked so happy.
He started towards the door and I turned around taking one last look at the place I had spent my whole summer at. Everything was just how I wanted to remember it, the desk I had feared when I first arrived. The couches in the corner where I had waited plenty of times for my appointments. I waved to Grave who had tears falling down her pale cheeks. She waved back weakly as I proceeded out the doors. The hot Alabama sun blazed down on me as we approached a car which I assumed was a rental because we would have to take an airplane to get back to Washington. I could see the shadow of a figure in the distance.
I squinted to get a better look as they emerged I smiled widely as my brother walked up to me and gave me a hug. "Hey loser," he said with a laugh.
I joined in his laughter, "You're such a dork. Wow, you look so different." His strawberry blonde hair was longer I could tell through his old baseball cap. He had gotten taller, and more muscular. It was amazing how much someone could change over just one summer.
"Is that a good thing?" He questioned and shoved his hands into the pockets of his shorts.
"Yeah," I replied.
We got into the car. "So how are you?" My dad asked and looked at me through the rear view mirror.
"I'm good," I replied and tried to act sure of myself.
"Was it nice there?" He asked further. "Did you make friends?"
"Yeah, it was really nice. I got a single room so that was nice. I made a few friends but my best was Reese. She was really nice and I'm going to try and keep in touch with her because we became pretty close." I answered.
"That's good," my dad replied as we got on the freeway towards the airport.
"Are you excited for school?" He asked.
I paused and searched my mind for an answer. "I don't know," was all I could think of.
"How can you not know?" Mark questioned. I was happy he would be at school with me. Even if he was a senior and I was a puny freshmen.
"I just don't," I snapped.
He turned to me and put his hands up in defense. "I'm not going to lie, I mean plenty of people have been talking about you but don't be so worried."
I saw my dad scowl. "I'm not worried," I insisted.
Mark scoffed and turned around. We sat in silence until we got to the airport.
Flying always scared me. I hated it, the take off when your ears popped. The small bathrooms that made me claustrophobic.
As the flight attendants walked up and down the isles handing out drinks my dad tried to talk to me again. "Your mom is happy for you to come home," he said happily.
"I'm sure she is," I said sarcastically. I knew this statement was a lie only to make me feel better and less worried. She hated me, anybody with eyes could see that. The way she called me a disappointment, the fact that she never said goodbye to me.
He sighed, "She is."
"Don't feed me lies," I muttered and pulled my IPod out of my bag. The music calmed me as we flew through the air.

Howdy! Dahlia here to review!

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:That morning I was more nervous then I ever had been in my whole life. I hadn't seen my family in the longest time. They didn't have enough money to visit because of the cost it was to even send me here. As I walked slowly into the cafeteria area to look for my friend I thought of all the changes I would have to endure back in Washington.
I dismissed the thought as I walked into the cafeteria. Plenty of people were already in the long line waiting to get food while some were sitting at the circular tables.

Okay...there's something wrong here. What? Your sentence structure is repetitive. All your sentences are the same length. Use short sentences, complex sentences, etc. It keeps your story moving!

The tan walls were covered with windows that let in a comforting light. I felt a hand fall onto my shoulder, and I swiveled around [s]and my eyes met a pair of brown ones.[/s] "Oh my gosh Peyton! I can't believe you're leaving today!" My best friend [s]here[/s] Reese cried.

This is confusing. Start a new paragraph whenever you put in dialogue.

She toyed with her straight blonde hair as she continued talking, "It won't be the same without you."

My own eyes blurred with tears as I grabbed my luggage I had dropped outside the door before I walked into the cafeteria. I had cried myself out, I couldn't do it anymore. So I wiped the tears away violently. Grace approached me, "Your dad is here," she whispered and then pulled me into a strong hug. "Take care of yourself, don't blow it."

Who's Grace?

"I'll miss you, too," I answered.

He started towards the door, and I turned around taking one last look at the place I had spent my whole summer [s]at[/s]. Everything was just how I wanted to remember it, the desk I had feared when I first arrived. The couches in the corner where I had waited plenty of times for my appointments. I waved to Grace who had tears falling down her pale cheeks. She waved back weakly as I proceeded out the doors. The hot Alabama sun blazed down on me as we approached a car [s]which I assumed was a rental[/s] because we would have to take an airplane to get back to Washington. I could see the shadow of a figure in the distance.

Reword the last sentence.

"Yeah, it was really nice. I got a single room so that was nice. I made a few friends but my best was Reese. She was really nice and I'm going to try and keep in touch with her because we became pretty close." I answered.

She says "nice" a lot.

"I just don't," I snapped.

Why is she snapping?

Now your characters are kind of boring...there's no bang to them. They don't seem to have personalities and your reader knows little about them. You tell us all of these things about the but you don't show us. Is Peyton a nervous person? Is she a happy person? Insecure? We don't know. You don't paint a picture for her. Also, her relationships seem kind of forced. There's no substance to them, it's like you just put them there.

The farewell. I feel nothing - and you want the reader to feel something. If you're going to do a sad farewell, tug at our heartstrings. Use flashbacks, show how painful leaving is for her. We just know that she's sad but we don't know why. We don't know how good of a friend she is with Reese or Grace or anything.

Dialogue. Your dialogue is kind of boring. Give your characters a dialect, give them motions while they're talking. Does Peyton move her hands when she talks? Does she look at the ground? What does she do? How does she feel when she says it? How does she say it?

I hope I helped you in some way.

---Dahlia

Thanks so much! You helped like...so much. It does seem kind of boring huh? I'll fix it up. Thanks!

Hey =]

I said I'd be here and here I am!

Nit-piks first;

That morning I was more nervous then I ever had been in my whole life. - I'd swap 'had' and 'ever' around so it reads a bit better.

I hadn't seen my family in the longest time. - This sounds a bit awkward. maybe re-arrange it. 'I hadn't seen my family for ages' or 'It felt like I hadn't seen my family for years.' Something like that anyway

They didn't have enough money to visit because of the cost it was to even send me here. - 'They didn't have enough money to visit because of how much it had cost them to send me here.'

As I walked slowly into the cafeteria area to look for my friend I thought of all the changes I would have to endure back in Washington. - I'd add a comma after 'friend'

I felt a hand fall onto my shoulder I swiveled around and my eyes met a pair of brown ones. - Either split this sentence into two by adding a full stop after 'shoulder' or re-arrange it. 'I felt a hand fall onto my shoulder and I swiveled around, my gaze meeting a pair of brown eyes.' 'fall' sounds a bit odd too, maybe change it to 'tap,' or something.

My best friend here Reese cried. - This sounds awkward. 'Reese cried. She was my best friend here at the rehabilitation center.'

I had cried myself out, I couldn't do it anymore. So I wiped the tears away violently. - I'd change the comma after 'out' to a full stop and take the full stop out after 'anymore'

I squinted to get a better look as they emerged I smiled widely as my brother walked up to me and gave me a hug. - I'd add 'and' after 'emerged'

As the flight attendants walked up and down the isles handing out drinks my dad tried to talk to me again. - I'd add a comma after 'drinks'

Overall;
I liked this and I'm still really curious to find out what she did. I'd like to know a bit more about your MC though and you could add in more detail on how she met Reese. Was it on her first day? Was she the first to make her feel welcome? etc.

Hope I've helped =]

I'll be reading the next part!

xDudettex

I like it. I prefer comedies tho.