Freestyle. Origional. Mine Only.

Im a naturall flower. So i wrote this up in class I Hope you like it.

Been there done that,
Now im Shifting Boats Like Habour Rats.
Shifting Lanes, New Game.
...
I', Never Going Back.

Its Like An Abis- Pitch Black.
I dont wana sit there in the black,
waiting to be rescued from the situation I was at.
Unless Im immortal - Ill never go back.

And that requires the spirit that never fades,
the spirit that never wanted us to pick up Ak's -
RPG Hitting gunships,
thats another soul lost today.
Now the lords got another document to sort today.
Fates In place. Fidn the Killer
and think what to do with him.
The lords Options Are clear,
the choices we all fear.

The rhymes are the best thing I can say. See, there are a couple of things you did wrong.

Now, one major thing is that you need to have posted a minimum of two reviews on other works. Don't be a 'selfish writer'. Just as you need to get reviews to improve, other people do as well!

Another problem is that it's so short. See, most songs have a couple of verses. I mean, it's one thing if you have some sort of background music, or a theme, but this is just random. Admittedly, it is freestyle, but see, this seems to be about an outcastic nomad who enjoys playing sci-fi RPG games and then goes to a war.

Bump.

I also must make mention of your selfishness in not reviewing other peoples work, which they have spent much time and effort in creating.
With all that aside, for what it is, it is brilliant. It's evident you aren't one who can spell, but I'm going to ignore that for the time being.

As a side note, was this meant to be a song? Gale made mention of that it was too short, and that it had no chorus, and that's all well and good if it was a song you were writing; but to me it just sounded like a random poetical buzz you got, and wrote what came to mind. There's nothing wrong with that, as that's pretty much what I do as well.

Wasnt a song. its a rap. and io did it quickly.

OOmg, I can't believe you still go on this website, I thought you would have found it boring. Anyway in the poem i did fine a spelling mistake on Abis it was meant to be Abyss.

jminimo wrote:Wasnt a song. its a rap. and io did it quickly.

A rap could be a song man. Your ryhming was great and I could imagine some good music that could move my body, but I want to help you. Their are millions of rapers in this world but 90% of them suck beacuse they rap about crap. They have no meaning in their lyrics. They all sing about hoes and killing. Next time you will do a rap make shure you will have a good meaning in you lyrics.