Not sure: ideas wanted

(Is it worth continuing, please rate out of 10)

Chapter 1:
Why was everyone staring at me? Did I have something on my face? Did I have something stuck to my shoe? I never got this much attention. Not even when I make a fool of myself in gym! I walked slowly down the hallway to my next class. As I walked past I saw peoples hands fly to their face and whisper to there friends. I wanted to yell at them ‘why are you staring at me?’ I wasn’t that confident though, It’s hard enough changing out of my long ankle length school skirt into my shorts, to show my scrawny pasty-white legs in P.E. I wasn’t showing my legs now but yet I felt like I was. I was so unconfident. Everyone was staring still and I couldn’t figure out why. I had wiped my mouth at least 100 times, and there was nothing on my shoes.
I saw my best friend Monica come walking round the corner, her long brunette hair flying out behind her as the wind caught it. Relief flooded through my body, I pulled a simile to my face. She came right up to me and just stared the same stare as everyone else was giving me.
“What’s wrong with everyone Mon?”I asked looking around at everyone’s beady eyes fixed on me; I wiped my mouth another time.
“What’s wrong?!”She replied and she had anger in her voice.
“Um… yea.” I said a little nervously.
“You have the nerve to ask ‘what’s wrong’?” she said her voice rising.
I was really nervous now my hands were sweaty, and my heart was pounding in my chest. What had I done? I couldn’t think of anything that would make Monica look at me like this. Defiantly not the whole school.
“What are you talking about Mon?” I asked scared to know what she might answer with.
She looked at me like I was a piece of poo on her shoe. “I can’t believe you Hillary.” She flicked her long hair in my face as she turned and walked back in the direction she just came from.
I stood there my head spinning, what had I done to make her so mad? Why did the whole school know and I didn’t?
People started walking past me pushing me into the wall and calling me names.
“You really stuffed up now Hillary.” One person said.
I wanted to scream and yell and throw my bag on the ground, and have a complete tantrum like a little kid would do in the supermarket if she didn’t get a lolly. What had I done?
I ran into the girl’s bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t notice I had been crying. My eyes were red and puffy and my mascara was running. My thick curly blonde hair looked like a mess I grabbed the hair tie off from around my wrist and pulled my hair up in a messy pony tail. I didn’t have any energy I was so fragile if someone even whispered in my air I would probably faint.
I slid down the ice cold wall of the bathroom and sat there with my head between my legs.
“What have I done?” I said aloud to myself. I remembered Monica’s face when she talked to me and saw the hatred towards me in her eyes. I blinked to get her face out of my head. I searched through my bag for something to sidetrack me from my own thoughts. I picked an eraser out of my pencil case; I fiddled with it between my fingers. I wished I could just rub myself out and make myself disappear. It would be so much easier for everyone. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and saw about 15 different messages ones like:
How could you? You are such a fool? Why would you do that?
“How could I do what!?” I asked getting more and more frustrated. That’s when I saw his name my boyfriend. I had completely forgotten about him; Did he hate me? I would find out soon my stomach did summersaults as I clicked the OK button to read the text. My heart just about stopped with relief when I saw his text:
Omg, Hill. R u ok? What did you do?
Plz txt me back I am sick with worry!
Whre r u? Ur not in class.
Love your worried bf.
I read his text over and over again. I couldn’t believe how reassuring his words were. I decided not to text back he would see me soon. I picked myself up of the ground and looked at myself in the mirror again. My eyes were still red and puffy and my hair still looked like a birds nest on my head, but I knew I could get through the day with Nick’s words ringing throughout my mind. I picked my bag up off the ground and walked out the door of the girl’s bathroom. When I walked out all my confidence I reasently gained drained away, and I wanted to turn around and go back in the bathroom. I knew I couldn’t so I walked down the hall towards my class where Nick would be. With the one and only Monica following right behind me calling me names. I tried to block her out I let the words of Nick’s text run through my mind. ‘Omg, Hill. R u ok?’ he cares he really really does. I got to my class just in time before she would be standing right next to me.
“Ah…Miss Carter you decided to join us.” The teacher said.
“Um… yea I’m sorry.” I blurted out.
I looked around the classroom and spotted Nick’s face full of sympathy. I could tell he was staring at my tear streaked face. When I sat down next to him he grabbed my hand under the table, and gave it a little squeeze and I knew that meant ‘Don’t worry everything is going to be okay.’ I gave him my best impression of a smile and looked straight ahead at the teacher.
“I can’t believe Hillary how can Nick still like her?” I heard someone whisper.
Nick’s head spun round and told them to shut up. He leaned towards me and whispered in my ear.
“What did you do?”
I shrugged. “I really don’t know.” I said as tears built up in my eyes. His face went soft and he told me not to cry. I put my arms around him and gave him a quick hug.
“I love you” I said, Oh my god did I just say the L word a couldn’t believe it, I wish I could rewind time and take it back. Was I stupid why would I say that? I must be stupid how could i say that. His words snapped me out of my thoughts.
“Pardon.” I said.
“I love you too.”
I couldn’t believe this either. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn’t see him anymore
He laughed “Wow I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew you were going to react like this.”
I laughed back “I’m just happy.”
We couldn’t say anything else because the teacher told us of for talking, but in that minute I completely forgot about everything else; I was so happy!

I had wiped my mouth at least 100 times, and there was nothing on my shoes.

It should be one-hundred times.

I pulled a simile to my face.

I believe you mean smile.

I was really nervous now my hands were sweaty, and my heart was pounding in my chest.

That bolded part should be made into a new sentence. "I was really nervous now. My hands were sweaty, and my heart was pounding in my chest."

I stood there my head spinning, what had I done to make her so mad?

Again, this needs to be made into a new sentence. "I stood there my head spinning. What had I done to make her so mad?"

I didn’t have any energy I was so fragile if someone even whispered in my air I would probably faint.

Firstly, the whole 'even whispered in my air' part sounds kind of strange, but I know what you're getting at. But, again, bolded means it needs to be a new sentence.

That’s when I saw his name my boyfriend.

"That's when I saw his name, my boyfriend.

I had completely forgotten about him; Did he hate me?

"I have completely forgotten about him. Did he hate me?"

I would find out soon[?] my stomach did summersaults as I clicked the OK button to read the text.

"I would find out soon. My stomach did summersaults as I clicked the 'OK' button to read the text.

I reasently gained drained away,

"I had recently gained drained away,"

“I can’t believe Hillary how can Nick still like her?” I heard someone whisper.

"'I can't believe Hillary, how can Nick still like her?'"

“I love you” I said, Oh my god did I just say the L word a couldn’t believe it, I wish I could rewind time and take it back.

"'I love you,'" I said. Oh my God, did I just say the 'L' word? I couldn't believe it, I wish I could rewind time and take it back."

We couldn’t say anything else because the teacher told [s]us of for[/s] talking, but in that minute I completely forgot about everything else; I was so happy!

"We couldn't say anything else because the teacher told us to stop talking. But in that minute I completely forgot about evething else; I was so happy!"

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

It was ... okay. Not my type of story, but still it was pretty good.

I was being pretty nit-pick-y, seeing as I picked up some spelling mistakes.

Grammatical errors? Yes.

Spelling mistakes? Yes.

Fix that. Please.

Are you continuing with this story? If not, I think you should've gave more of a reason for the story. Why was everyone mad at her? That's what I'd like to know.

Anyways, I'm done here.

Good luck with future writing!

As I walked past, I saw people's hands fly to their face and whisper to theirfriends. I wanted to yell at them, "Why are you staring at me?" I wasn’t that confident, though. It’s hard enough changing out of my long ankle-length school skirt into my shorts, to show my scrawny, pasty-white legs in P.E. I wasn’t showing my legs now, (Take out "but" here.) yet I felt like I was. I was so unconfident. Everyone was staring still, and I couldn’t figure out why. I had wiped my mouth at least one hundred times and there was nothing on my shoes.

I saw my best friend, Monica, come walking round the corner, her long brunette hair flying out behind her as the wind caught it. Relief flooded through my body, and I pulled a smile to my face.

“What’s wrong with everyone, Mon?”I asked, looking around at everyone’s beady eyes fixed on me; I wiped my mouth another time.

“What’s wrong?!” she replied with anger in her voice.

“Um… yeah," I said a little nervously.

“You have the nerve to ask ‘What’s wrong’?” she said, her voice rising.

I was really nervous now; my hands were sweaty, and my heart was pounding in my chest. What had I done? I couldn’t think of anything that would make Monica look at me like this. Definitely not the whole school.

“What are you talking about, Mon?” I asked, scared to know what she might answer with.

She looked at me like I was a piece of poo on her shoe. “I can’t believe you, Hillary.” She flicked her long hair in my face as she turned and walked back in the direction she just came from.

I stood there, my head spinning. What had I done to make her so mad? Why did the whole school know, and I didn’t?

People started walking past me, pushing me into the wall and calling me names.

“You really stuffed up now, Hillary,” one person said.

I ran into the girls' bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t noticed that I had been crying. My eyes were red and puffy, and my mascara was running. My thick, curly blonde hair looked like a mess. I grabbed the hair tie off from around my wrist and pulled my hair up in a messy pony tail. I didn’t have any energy, I was so fragile. If someone even whispered in my air, I would probably faint.

I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and saw about 15 different messages, ones like:

"How could you? You are such a fool! Why would you do that?"[/b]

“How could I do what!?” I asked, getting more and more frustrated. That’s when I saw his name, my boyfriend. I had completely forgotten about him; did he hate me? I would find out soon. My stomach did somersaults as I clicked the OK button to read the text.

"Omg, Hill. R u ok? What did you do?
Plz txt me back I am sick with worry!
Whre r u? Ur not in class.
Love your worried bf."

I decided not to text back; he would see me soon. I picked myself up off the ground and looked at myself in the mirror again. My eyes were still red and puffy and my hair still looked like a bird's nest on my head, but I knew I could get through the day with Nick’s words ringing throughout my mind. I picked my bag up off the ground and walked out the door of the girls' bathroom. When I walked out all my confidence I recently gained drained away, and I wanted to turn around and go back in the bathroom. I knew I couldn’t, so I walked down the hall, towards my class, where Nick would be. With the one and only Monica following right behind me, calling me names. I tried to block her out, and I let the words of Nick’s text run through my mind. ‘Omg, Hill. R u ok?’ He cares; he really, really does. I got to my class just in time before she would be standing right next to me.

“Ah…Miss Carter; you decided to join us,” the teacher said.

“Um… yeah, I’m sorry,” I blurted out.

I looked around the classroom and spotted Nick’s face, full of sympathy. I could tell he was staring at my tear-streaked face. When I sat down next to him, he grabbed my hand under the table and gave it a little squeeze, which I knew meant "Don’t worry; everything is going to be okay."

“I can’t believe Hillary! How can Nick still like her?” I heard someone whisper.

I shrugged. “I really don’t know,” I said as tears built up in my eyes. His face went soft and he told me not to cry. I put my arms around him and gave him a quick hug.

“I love you,” I said. Oh my God, did I just say the L-word? I couldn’t believe it. I wish I could rewind time and take it back. Was I stupid? Why would I say that? I must be stupid. How could I say that?

“Pardon,” I said.

“I love you, too.”

I couldn’t believe this, either. My eyes filled with tears, and I couldn’t see him anymore.

He laughed. “Wow, I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew you were going to react like this.”

I laughed back. “I’m just happy.”

We couldn’t say anything else, because the teacher scolded us for talking, but in that minute, I completely forgot about everything else; I was so happy!

Hi! I want you to continue, because I want to know what everyone says she did! Haha.

Just so you know what I thought about this, let me rate this somewhere around a 7. The reasons I docked points are as follows:

Sentence structure/Grammar: It's a bit rough, like translated chat-speak. The nit-picks have been graciously pointed out above me, and it's pretty much those that docked one point. Here is a quick guide to punctuation, and if you check out the grammar section of the Knowledge Base (found here) you'll find some more articles.

Emotion: I feel like you're skimming the surface of emotion in the second half of this. For example, how one simply note asking if you're okay can help. The total love between two people/the confusion of love in highschool is another place I find things are a bit slim.

Another thing that confused me was the dialogue after this line:

“Pardon.” I said.

Why did she say pardon? And who said the line directly after this? (the "I love you too" thing)

Dialogue: It feels a bit unrealistic, and lacking some punctuation. This line is a good example:

"Wow I wouldn’t have said anything if I knew you were going to react like this.”

It would read better as:

Wow! I wouldn’t have said anything, if I knew you were going to react like this.”

I added one exclamation point and one comma. Makes a difference, doesn't it?

Also! You aren't really giving each character their own voice. Here is a good article on developing voice and such. If you don't like that one, check out Writing Tutorials, another section of the Knowledge Base. ^_^

The seven full points come from the idea and the confusion you show early on. Nice work!

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Hey new story! Cool! Everybody else did all the nit-picking so I won't.

I don't mean to be harsh with what I'm about to say but...the end was a little cheesy. I would think maybe you could say something like. "I was so happy at that moment. However, I couldn't ignore the cold stares and whispers from the other students." or something like that.

Overall it was good and I want to know what she did.

Corrections in bold, comments underlined! Be forewarned: I didn't read the previous reviews.

borntoshop wrote:Chapter 1:
Why was everyone staring at me? Did I have something on my face? Did I have something stuck to my shoes? Why would people look at her shoe? By this, of course, I assume you mean the soles. Otherwise, sorry for interrupting. I never got this much attention, not even when I made a fool of myself in gym! [s]I walked slowly down the hallway to my next class.[/s] As I walked past, I saw people's hands fly to their faces and whisper to their friends. I wanted to yell at them, ‘Why are you staring at me?’ I wasn’t that confident though. It’s hard enough changing out of my [s]long[/s] ankle-length school skirt into my shorts to show my scrawny pasty-white legs in P.E. I wasn’t showing my legs now but yet I felt like I was. [s]I was so unconfident.[/s] Everyone was staring still and I couldn’t figure out why. I had wiped my mouth at least 100 times, and there was nothing on my shoes.
I saw my best friend Monica come walking round the corner, her long brown hair flying out behind her as the wind caught it. The wind?? Relief flooded through my body. I pulled a smile to my face. She came right up to me and just stared the same stare as everyone else was giving me.
“What’s wrong with everyone, Mon?” I asked looking around at everyone’s beady eyes fixed on me; I wiped my mouth another time.
“What’s wrong?!” she replied, anger in her voice.
“Um… yea.” I said a little nervously.
“You have the nerve to ask what’s wrong?” she said, her voice rising.
I was really nervous now. My hands were sweaty, and my heart was pounding in my chest. Where else would it be pounding? What had I done? I couldn’t think of anything that would make Monica look at me like this. Definitely not the whole school.
“What are you talking about, Mon?” I asked, scared for what she might answer with.
She looked at me like I was a piece of poo on her shoe. “I can’t believe you, Hillary.” She flicked her long hair in my face as she turned and walked back in the direction she just came from. So she just came to say "I can't believe you, Hillary."?
I stood there my head spinning. What had I done to make her so mad? Why did the whole school know when I didn’t?
People started walking past me [s]pushing me into the wall and[/s],calling me names.
“You really stuffed up now, Hillary,” one person said. What does stuffed up mean?
I wanted to scream [s]and yell[/s] and throw my bag on the ground, and have a complete tantrum, like a little kid would do in the supermarket if she didn’t get a lolly. What had I done?
I ran into the girl’s bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I hadn’t notice I had been crying. My eyes were red and puffy and my mascara was running. My thick curly blonde hair was a mess. I grabbed the hair tie off from around my wrist and pulled my hair up in a messy pony tail. [s]I didn’t have any energy[/s] I was so fragile if someone even whispered to me, I would probably faint.
I slid down the ice-cold bathroom wall and sat on the floor with my head between my legs.
“What have I done?” I said aloud to myself. I remembered Monica’s face when she talked to me and saw the her hatred of me in her eyes. I blinked to get it out of my head. I searched through my bag for something to sidetrack me from my own thoughts. I picked an eraser out of my pencil case and fiddled with it. I wished I could just rub myself out and make myself disappear. It would be so much easier for everyone. I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and saw about 15 messages saying things like:
How could you? You are such a fool! Why would you do that?
“How could I do what!?” I asked getting more and more frustrated. That’s when I saw his name: Nick, my boyfriend. I had completely forgotten about him. Did he hate me? I would find out soon. My stomach did somersaults as I clicked the OK button to read the message. My heart just about stopped with relief when I saw his text:
Omg, Hill. R u ok? What did you do?
Plz txt me back I am sick with worry!
Whre r u? Ur not in class.
Love your worried bf.

After this point I don't want to comment on grammar anymore. It's pretty much the same thing again and again - if you proofread, you can catch them. Repititions are.. not advisable. And you missed some commas. Just some tweaks here and there and you'll be fine.

You definitely hooked me with the mystery, because I really wanna know what she did. Your ending, however, sounded kind of lame. Maybe "I was that happy" would've sounded better. I don't know why, but the exclamation mark really irked me. Then again, it's just personal preference - feel free to ignore it.

The plot line was fine, but the grammar was a huge issue for me - I'm a real grammar freak, and they interrupted the flow of an otherwise okay story. Continue it if you can promise yourself to proofread it.

PM me if you have any questions.

Cheers,
Lily.

Does anyone want the next chapter?