Chapter 5: Eddie's side of the story

Eddies side of the story:
Chapter 1: Break-up
Eddies point of view.
I knew this would hurt her, but I had to do it I didn’t feel the same way. I felt like a coward breaking up with her through a text but I couldn’t do it face to face, I couldn’t stand the pain I would put her through.
I typed the message out slowly so I wouldn’t make a mistake. Them pushed send, a sign flicked up that said message sent and I knew that she would probably have it soon she always had her phone in her pocket.
My phone beeped in my, hand I was scared to look at it. Surly it couldn’t be Cat already. I lifted the phone infront of my face, relief flooded through me when I saw it was Lilly.
Do you want to go for a coffee. It said.
I knew it would be wrong what if we saw Cat she would be so angry, but I needed to tell her what I did surly Cat wouldn’t go out. I text back sure and we were going to meet up in town at one of my favourite cafes.
When I got outside of the café she was already there waiting for me.
“Hey.” She said while running towards me linking her arms in mine.
“Hi.” I replied.
“Did you do it?” she asked.
“Yea I did.”
“Great.” She said. How could she be this happy she probably just broke her best friends heart.
“Shes your best friend.” I spat out. “how can you be so happy?”
“She’ll forgive me.” She said full of confidence.
“I’m not so sure.” I said as we walked into the café.
“I’ll look for a seat.” I told her.
I turned my head to look around the room to find a seat, that’s when I saw Cat sitting in a far away corner dried up tears running down her check. I froze I wanted to turn and run. She met my gaze and hatred filled her eyes.
“Who are you looking at.” Lilly said.
Cat’s eyes looked at Lilly and rolled her eyes she stood up from her table and gave the waitress her plate. Then she shoved her shoulder into us as she walked past.
“Cat, wait!.” Lilly yelled.
But Cat didn’t turn this wasn’t going to be good.
“Cat,” Lilly yelled again “Wait!”
This time she spun round and replied.
“Only friends call me Cat.” Her voice was dry and weak I wanted to run up and give her a hug. Tell her how sorry I was but I was frozen to the spot.
“Let me explain.” Lilly said.
“Oh I think it’s pretty easy you stole my boyfriend when you knew I was in love with him.” She replied back.
My heart just about stopped beating I had never heard her say those words out loud before. Guilt rose to the top of my stomach. Her eyes stared round to meet mine, my face expression was sympathetic she rolled her eyes and looked away. I remembered how she didn’t like people feeling sorry for her.
“It wasn’t like that.” Lilly said.
“I don’t want to hear it.”
I felt myself walking forward like the glue that was keeping me from moving suddenly evaporated. I wanted to comfort her tell her everything was going to be okay. When she saw me coming tears filled in her eyes and she turned and ran. Not the way to go home and I knew where she might be going.
Lilly ran towards me tears streaming down her face.
“That was awful, she’ll never forgive me.” She said flinging her arms around me. It felt wrong I didn’t want her arms round me I wanted someone elses.
I pushed her away and shock and confusion came across her face.
“I know where she’s going I’ll go talk to her.” I said.
“I don’t think she’ll want either of us with her.” She said through sobs.
“Well im going.” I said as I ran in the direction Cat had ran in.

You reviewed my story. So, now I'm reviewing yours! This is a great storyline and it's very interesting. Here's my nit-picks.

I felt like a coward breaking up with her through a text but I couldn’t do it face to face, I couldn’t stand the pain I would put her through.

I would put a period after the second face. If you don't it's kind of a run-on sentence.

Them pushed send, a sign flicked up that said message sent and I knew that she would probably have it soon she always had her phone in her pocket.

I think when you wrote "Them" you meant "Then." Again you should break this sentence up. Maybe something like... My stomach did somersaults as a sign came up reading "message sent." She would probably get the message soon. She always had her phone in her pocket.

My phone beeped in my, hand I was scared to look at it. Surly it couldn’t be Cat already. I lifted the phone in front of my face, relief flooded through me when I saw it was Lilly.

Remove the comma after "my".

Do you want to go for a coffee. It said.

Maybe you could put the message part in italics, like this... Do you want to go for coffee? it said.

I knew it would be wrong what if we saw Cat she would be so angry, but I needed to tell her what I did surly Cat wouldn’t go out. I text back sure and we were going to meet up in town at one of my favourite cafes.

The first sentence is confusing. I'm not sure what you mean't. I would put the message part in italics as I said before. And it should be texted not text. I don't think you should've said the part about Eddie being worried Cat would be there. Right when I read it I knew she would be there.

“Hey,” she said while running towards me linking her arms in mine.
“Hi,” I replied.
“Did you do it?” she asked.
“Yea I did.”

Maybe you could add more description. What did Lilly's face look like when Eddie told her he broke up with Cat?

“Great,” she said. How could she be this happy she probably just broke her best friends heart?
“She's your best friend,” I spat [s]out[/s]. “How can you be so happy?”
“She’ll forgive me,” she said full of confidence.
“I’m not so sure...” I said as we walked into the café.
“I’ll look for a seat.” I told her.

I turned my head to look around the room to find a seat, that’s when I saw Cat sitting in a far away corner dried up tears running down her check.

I think you could change this sentence to make it better. Something like... I turned my head slowly to find a seat. Fear and guilt rushed through me as I saw Cat sitting in a far corner, tears streaming down her cheeks. Or something like that. Also you spelled "cheek" wrong. And, dried tears don't run down her cheeks. You could say her cheeks were tear stained.

“Who are you looking at?” Lilly asked[b].
Cat’s eyes looked at Lilly and rolled her eyes she stood up from her table and gave the waitress her plate. Then she shoved her shoulder into us as she walked past.

I'm going to give another suggested for this part. Maybe something like... [b]Cat's eyes met Lilly's and she gave her an icy cold glare. She stood up from the table and pushed past us, heading towards the door. I don't think she would roll her eyes because you tend to do that when you're annoyed, not angry. Correct me if I'm wrong though.

“Cat, wait![s].[/s]” Lilly yelled.
But Cat didn’t turn this wasn’t going to be good.
“Cat!” Lilly yelled again, “Wait!”
This time she spun round and replied.
“Only friends call me Cat.” Her voice was dry and weak I wanted to run up and give her a hug. Tell her how sorry I was but I was frozen to the spot.

“Let me explain.” Lilly said.

Maybe instead of "said" you could use something like begged or pleaded.

“Oh, I think it’s pretty easy. You stole my boyfriend when you knew I was in love with him!” She hissed or something like that..

My heart just about stopped beating. I had never heard her say those words out loud before. Guilt rose to the top of my stomach. Her eyes stared round to meet mine, my face expression was sympathetic. She rolled her eyes and looked away. I remembered how she didn’t like people feeling sorry for her.

“It wasn’t like that.” Lilly said.
“I don’t want to hear it.”

Maybe instead of said you could say something like, "insisted." Also, after Cat says that you could say how she said it. Like if she interrupted Lilly or something.

I felt myself walking forward like the glue that was keeping me from moving suddenly evaporated. I wanted to comfort, her tell her everything was going to be okay. When she saw me coming tears filled in her eyes and she turned and ran. Not the way to go home and I knew where she might be going.
Lilly ran towards me tears streaming down her face.

“That was awful, she’ll never forgive me!” She [s]said [/s] cried and flung her arms around me. It felt wrong I didn’t want her arms around me I wanted someone elses.

I pushed her away and shock and confusion came across her face.
“I know where she’s going I’ll go talk to her,” I said.
“I don’t think she’ll want either of us with her,” she said through sobs.
“Well I'm going.” I said as I ran in the direction Cat had ran in.

Overall,

Whew, sorry if that seemed harsh. Sometimes I go a little overboard. Like I said, this is a good story and it's very interesting. You just need to read over your work and spell check. Reading out loud can help a lot.

You need to add more details. Like how they said things, what action they did when they said them. What the rooms look like. What the charactors looked like. I think this would make the story much better. Details, details, details.

You also tend to use 'said' a lot. Try using more descriptive word choice as well. Good luck! Keep writing!

Still amazing, I have to say this is one of my favorites... I just can't get enough of it!