Fear

The stains on the carpet
bleed color
even though they're washed clean.
The walls
cry out in agony,
but nothing is heard.
These hallways
echo footfalls,
but nothing is noticed.
A distant creak in a stair,
and a ripple of fear is created.
A memory
so sharp
its wounds go unnoticed.
A shiver down the spine,
and one last goodbye.
Turn around.
Lock the door.
Walk away.
Forget.

Hi there Picklebuddy7. I've done a line-by-line critique of your poem below.

The stains on the carpet
bleed color
even though they're washed clean. These first lines don't make a lot of sense - if the stains are washed clean, they aren't there, right?
The walls
cry out in agony,
but nothing is heard. The passive voice makes this line seem weak. Who isn't hearing?
These hallways
echo footfalls,
but nothing is noticed.Again, it would be better if you could rework this to not use passive voice.
A distant creak in a stair, This is a fragment. It's spooky, but it would work better if it had a verb in there somewhere.
and a ripple of fear is created.Passive voice again! A ripple of fear is created in whom?
A memory
so sharp
its wounds go unnoticed. I like this idea of something being so sharp you don't notice when it cuts you.
A shiver down the spine,
and one last goodbye. Here's another sentence fragment.
Turn around.
Lock the door.
Walk away.
Forget.I like the ending, although I would switch the order of the lines "turn around" and "lock the door" as it seems that locking the door would come first.


Okay. I think you've got quite a decent poem here but you can make it better. You've done a good job of creating a creepy vibe, a feeling of something violent and tragic happening here a while ago. Now try to flesh out your poem a little more. Work on making a more definite sense of place and give us some more details on who is here and why, and what it was that happened. You don't have to give all the details - a little bit left unsaid is often good - but do try to sharpen the vague statements you've got here. The more distinctive you can make your poem, the more memorable it will be.

Watch your use of the passive voice. You use it a lot in this poem, and it doesn't do anything for you. Also, don't use fragments. Just because it's poetry doesn't mean the usual rules of grammar and punctuation don't apply.

Good luck with this. I'd be interested in seeing a revised version of this poem. Keep writing!

heya!
you've got a pretty good poem there, but it could probably use some improving
but ScriboErgoSum beat me to it

The stains on the carpet

bleed color

even though they're washed clean. ---doesn't really make alot of sense, might want to refine what your trying to say so you can get it across clearly

The walls

cry out in agony,

but nothing is heard. ---liked this part...

These hallways

echo footfalls,

but nothing is noticed. ---this part too...

A distant creak in a stair, ---maybe on a stair instead of in a stair? i dunno im half asleep dont listen to me if you dont want to

and a ripple of fear is created.

A memory

so sharp

its wounds go unnoticed.

A shiver down the spine,

and one last goodbye. ---nice...

Turn around.

Lock the door.

Walk away.

Forget.

overall, good job
i like your style of writing, looking forward to reading more of your stuff
keep writing!

-grimy

Thanks for the advice, everyone!!!
I take all advice into mind, but I don't write, like, every few days, so I forget it sometimes...... ><
Totally figures I'd forget. Happens a lot.

Passive voice, eh? Guess I'll have to work on that, too.
Oh look, more homework to add to my bulging To Do list lol
Oh well! ^^
....Maybe I should look for that list...... Doesn't help much if I don't know where it is......

picklebuddy7 wrote:The stains on the carpet
bleed color
even though they're washed clean.
The walls
cry out in agony,
but nothing is heard.
These hallways
echo footfalls,
but nothing is noticed. This action doesn't fit with the "echo" of the past line. "Echo" is sound oriented, while "noticed" is a sight action.
A distant creak in a stair,
and a ripple of fear is created.
A memory
so sharp
its wounds go unnoticed. "Unnoticed" feels a bit repetitive. Perhaps replace with "uncleaned"?
A shiver down the spine,
and one last goodbye.
Turn around.
Lock the door.
Walk away.
Forget.

Hello there! This poem was pretty nice, minus the strange wording I've pointed out, but I find it could be expanded a bit. More emphasis on how the silent/unnoticed things are just in the characters head. I find it would make this more chilling.

As for the title, you never really create fear in here. This poem is mostly on the hurt of old memories, not the fear of those old memories. Why is that house so painful in the first place? Did a murder happen there? Was your character part of it?

You don't really have an MC. This is told borderline second person (second person is "you"), and in some cases that's good and in other cases, not so much. If you make this first person, then there will be a new dimension for emotion because we're tying it all to a character. If you make this second person, then you'd need to add more sensory details, but it would put the reader into the poem. Get it?

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Brilliant, especially that ending