You don't mean it.

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 300
Reviews 0
You never meant it
When you said you're sorry
For the hurricane
And the waves that devoured
My every intuition and the thought
That made me see through you
Like all you were was a window

Windows lie.
They make the grass greener over there,
they make me happy for the sun.

The hard wood floors would talk to me
And the walls are falling around
The ground is shifting
And the glass is shattering
The shrapnel has pierced my eyes.
I'm bleeding droplets
And the rain's still coming down

The rivers surging
And I'm still here
Standing in front of the window
Standing in front of the illusion
That everything is how it should be
And nothing's out of place
I'm a hypocrite aren't I?

I'll stand in the downpour, I'm still strong
But I've lost it, my rock
And I'm sure I'll drown.
I want to swim away but don't know how. Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean...
- Blue October




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1090
Reviews 38
Alright...well, just so you know, you need to do 2 reviews before you post something of your own. Keep a 2:1 ratio, okay? So get out there and start reviewing!

Onto the review:


You never meant it

When you said you're sorry

For the hurricane

And the waves that devoured

My every intuition and the thought

That made me see through you

Like all you were was a window This line is phrased really awkwardly...try something like "you were only a window" or "like you were only a window". Also, this whole stanza is rather confusing...too much a run on sentence. Break it up, put periods in, commas, whatever. Because by the end, going as it is literally written, the "you" is still not meaning his apology for being a window...which doesn't make much sense to me.



Windows lie.

They make the grass greener over there,

they make me happy for the sun. Happy to see the sun, maybe? What do you mean exactly by "happy for the sun"?



The hard wood floors would talk to me

And the walls are falling around

The ground is shifting

And the glass is shattering

The shrapnel has pierced my eyes.

I'm bleeding droplets

And the rain's still coming down



The rivers surging if you mean "the river is surging", make sure to put an apostrophe between the r and s in the word river.

And I'm still here

Standing in front of the window

Standing in front of the illusion

That everything is how it should be

And nothing's out of place

I'm a hypocrite aren't I?



I'll stand in the downpour, I'm still strong

But I've lost it, my rock

And I'm sure I'll drown. Why the sudden rhyme? Throws things off for me, because the entire poem besides this part is free verse.


Alright! Well...wow, I'm really confused about this poem. So many things were happening that just didn't seem central that made me so lost. You seem to be wanting to display several themes here...poems can be vague, but not SO vague the reader ends the poem feeling like it just gave them a headache because they're trying to figure it out :)

For example, how does everything you've mentioned in the poem make you a hypocrite? I don't think you are! At least, not from what I've read...

In the third stanza, the house or whatever is being destroyed...I'm taking a guess here and assuming the window broke and that's why there is glass all over the place? But then you go on to say that you're still there in front of the window. Is that what makes you a hypocrite? Because you've painted us a picture and then ripped it up? But wait--the next stanza, the hurricane is back. So I'm not really sure what the outcome was at all.

Perhaps I'm being really dumb, but maybe you could simplify it a tad bit.

What I liked: This stanza-

"
The hard wood floors would talk to me

And the walls are falling around

The ground is shifting

And the glass is shattering

The shrapnel has pierced my eyes.

I'm bleeding droplets

And the rain's still coming down"


Great imagery here!!!

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Don't forget to do your reviews--they are required but they also make YWS members more likely to review your work.

-Cassie
"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." Mark Twain

I am hopelessly addicted to Disney music from the classic animated films.

"In a world of my own, everyone would have a dozen bluebirds."




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1857
Reviews 28
heya, you look like ur new...
Welcome to YWS!!!... sorry i just had to say that, couldn't help myself

very good poem, nice choice of words and interesting imagery

im so sorry but im too tired at the moment to give a proper review :roll: , i promise ill do it in the morning :wink:

as cassie said you need to review before you submit your own work, so try keep a good ratio (i thought it was a 3:1 ratio?? maybe i read the wrong thing :? ...)

cya, keep writing! :D

-grimy
I have the memory of a goldfish,
The attention span of a squirrel,
But the mind of a WRITER... or a psychopath, one or the other.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4495
Reviews 228
grimy,
It's a 2:1 ratio, and we also have another rule where you avoid chatspeak, so do spell your words out properly ;) Another thing, capitalise your words properly. We try to encourage good english in YWS :D
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"



Patience is the strength of the weak, impatience is the weakness of the strong.
— Immanuel Kant, Philosopher