Bird

Bird

Oh to be a bird!
To soar and dive
over mountains
and oceans.

To be free,
to know no bounds.
To have no one to answer to.

To see such beauties
and have no responsibility!
I can only dream.

Gravity is my prison,
humanity
is my boundary.

I watch them fly,
fly right past me.
Soar and dive.

But mountains are
high.
Oceans are
deep.

Freedoms attained seem
less desirable.
Having no one to answer to,
is to have no one at all.
Views seen often,
lose their enchantment.

Beauty isn't always
beautiful.
Responsibility isn't always
responsible.

What fun
is it to run,
if no one is chasing.

So I dream
dream dream dream
dream.

I don't just walk
through the world,
I walk in the world.

I don't just look,
I see.

Because I could be a bird,
flying and diving
over mountains and oceans
dreaming of something else
to be.

Hi there!

This is a really nice poem. I've done a line-by-line critique of it below.



Oh to be a bird!
To soar and dive
over mountains
and oceans.

To be free,
to know no bounds.I prefer a comma here so the next line doesn't seem choppy.
To have no one to answer to.

To see such beauties
and have no responsibility!
I can only dream.

Gravity is my prison,
humanity
is my boundary. I like this part

I watch them fly,
fly right past me.
Soar and dive. I'm not crazy about the repetition of "fly" or of the choppy last sentence. Maybe it would be better changed to something like "I watch them fly / right past me, / soaring, diving"

But mountains are
high.
Oceans are
deep.

Freedoms attained seem
less desirable. After the smooth flow of the poem before this, this part seems a little rough and forced to me.
Having no one to answer to,Cut the comma
is to have no one at all.I really like these two lines here
Views seen often,Again, you don't need the comma
lose their enchantment.

Beauty isn't always
beautiful.
Responsibility isn't always
responsible. I like these lines themselves, but I'm not really seeing how they fit into the context of the poem, especially the one about responsibility - I thought birds had no responsibilities? Or is this something I'm just not seeing?

What fun
is it to run,
if no one is chasing.Question mark here, not a period. I love the loneliness of this part.

So I dream
dream dream dream
dream. Love this too!

I don't just walk
through the world,
I walk in the world.

I don't just look,
I see.

Because I could be a bird,
flying and diving
over mountains and oceans
dreaming of something else
to be. This is a lovely ending.


Overall, this is a really good poem! There are the few punctuation problems and choppy bits that I pointed out above, but I really can't find much to criticize. I love the simple, clean flow of the poem and I love the way it ends. Good job!

Great job! I'm not going to point out the punctuation problems, etc., since that's already been done, but here goes:

What I liked: I liked right in the beginning, you drew me in. You talked about how wonderful it would be to be a bird but then pointed out that if we were a bird, we probably wouldn't be satisfied. It was simple and easy to read and understand, beautifully written. Specific stanzas that I like:

"Gravity is my prison,
humanity
is my boundary."

"Because I could be a bird,
flying and diving
over mountains and oceans
dreaming of something else
to be."

What a wonderful ending! It summed up the whole poem perfectly.

What I didn't like: There isn't much, honestly. I'm a punctuation freak, but I'll let you fix that. Sometimes I think that there are periods in places that would sound better as just a comma--the full stop makes it too choppy. But there are only a few of these places and I think ScriboErgoSum picked them all out already.

Great job!

-Cassie

Hello! Wonderful poem you have here.

But mountains are
high.
Oceans are
deep.

This stanza, well, I find it doesn't fit with much else. You haven't really given us more on this metaphor, and more would be needed to make this an addition to the poem. ^_^

So I dream
dream dream dream
dream.

Another stanza that has a hard time fitting! The repetition here leave me wondering "um, what?"

~

Flow: You tend to break up your flow with the uneven stanza length. It's usually better to pick one number for your stanzas to be, and only make things shorter or longer for emphasis. Some of those longer stanzas can be broken down into shorter ones, and then they'll have more punch. ^_^

Rhyme: You're a bit inconsistent on your rhyme here. Normally, you don't rhyme, but here,

What fun
is it to run,
if no one is chasing.

You've got a rhyme in the first two lines.

Theme: You could totally explode this theme into something huge. ^_^ I've mentioned the two places I found it particularily thin, but you could really stand to expand every idea here. It would make a very interesting poem if you did that. Possibly more then one interesting poem.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey