The House of the Bleeding Sun (1)

Note: This deals with homosexuality, so if you're uncomfortable with this subject don't read this. I am writing this for Gadi's contest and I am just trying to experiment with this a little. This is no where near finished. I just want to know what you think so far. I'm splitting it up into two parts just so it won't be so long. And it's not necessarily romantic and that will show in the next part. Thanks for reading.


The House of the Bleeding Sun
By Angel of Death

Part 1

The heat was devouring them. It wasn't the type of hot that made you want to rip off all your clothes and swim in the pond, but it was chilling and somewhat beautiful. It made you want to remember it for years to come. Kieran wished he could savor this feeling of bliss, as he kissed Ivan under the silent Autumn moon. He wanted to capture it in a bottle, like the millions of lightning bugs he caught as a child. He wanted to love it more than he yearned for it. He wanted it to stay more than he wanted it to leave. But like the fireflies that he held captive, the heat's spark died.
They were laying in the back seat of Ivan's mustang, breathing heavily. The windows were fogged and the seats were wet.
"Damn, you're a good kisser," he said, closing his eyes.
"Not as good as you. I'll admit that," Ivan replied.
Kieran felt his brother shift underneath him. The sudden movement made his eyes fly open. His clock radio blinked 7:30.
Their parents would be home soon.

***
"Ivan, honey, I missed you." Lisa had to stand up on her tip-toes to kiss her boyfriend. His eyes had this dazed and confused look, and when she planted her lips on his, he didn't even respond. It was like he was a statue or a corpse. Pulling back, she stared up at him and cocked her head to the side.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"Nothing. I'm just...really tired."
Lisa nodded and frowned. He had never refused a kiss from her before. Usually, it w as she who had to stop him before he got too carried away. They hadn't even had sex yet. He was a devote Christian and she was a self-defined atheist. How they came to love each other, she didn't know. But he had never acted so distant towards her, even when he was tired.
Something was wrong.
"You know that I'm your girlfriend, right?" He looked at her, and for a moment the confusion slipped away only to be replaced with annoyance. She stared back at him, trying to fathom his moodiness. Was he going to break up with her? That was the only explanation for his behavior. She had to be prepared for the worst, but she didn't want to jump to conclusions. Ivan was her world now and they had been together for three months. When she was being slapped around by her drunkard father and ignored by her simple-minded mother, Lisa thought of Ivan. He was the one who kissed away every tear, hugged away every nightmare. He loved her and she loved him. She thought that they would be together forever, but did he?
As they started towards the school, she reached out and touched his arm. He flinched at her touch, but stopped and peered down at her. This time he wasn't annoyed or confused, he was just vulnerable. It was like he wanted something that pained him. He was close to tears, and when his fiery brown eyes became glassy, he turned away from her.
"Ivan...," she breathed" are you breaking up with me?"
She expected him to turn to her and bury her in his chest. She expected him to kiss her and prove her otherwise. She expected him to say no and smile down at her in the way he always did when she was worried. But he didn't do any of those things. And as he walked away, she swore he had muttered "Sure, whatever."

***

Kieren stared at the dashboard of his Jeep. He didn't even stir when the late bell rung, making all of the crows in the tree fly away. He didn't stir when there was a knock on his window and Lisa, Ivan's girlfriend, slid into the passenger seat.
"I need to talk to you." she said and he could feel her staring at him.
He could feel her gaze-filled with concern and hurt and betrayal- as it washed over his body. But he didn't move an inch, he just continued to stare at the dashboard.
"Ivan's acting weird...I...don't know what's wrong. Maybe...you..." she started.
In his peripheral vision, Kieran saw Lisa run her hand through her saffron-colored curls. He could imagine her black mascara was raining down her cheeks. Her face would be covered in red blotches and her mouth would be dry and would taste of spit-up. Yeah, he knew the feeling or at least he's witnessed it. Time after time, he's watched a girl tear herself apart over him and he hated it. What was so special about him that they had to cry like storm clouds? What was so special about Ivan that Lisa had to skip class and bother him over? Though he knew the answer deep down in his heart, he didn't care, so he continued to look at his dashboard, ignoring the sobs of Lisa, the girl who Ivan dumped for him.

***
They were on the roof, their bodies side by side like railroad tracks. The night was slowly marching in, carrying the stars on it's back. Ivan could feel Satan's sword hovering over his head. He knew he was going to hell. The first moment he gave into the heat, it was like he made a deal with the devil. His body was covered in sins that now- as he stared up at the sky, fearing God's ever-knowing, ever-watching ivory eye-made his insides char like Sodom as it burned to the ground.
He felt Kieran rest his hand on his chest and then kisses filled with so much fire spread from forehead to collarbone. He smelled of cigarette smoke and beer. Ivan had told him many times that he was wrong for eating out of Satan's hands. Every time he lit the tar and inhaled it's sweet sins, the devil was laughing at him waiting for him to end up in the hospital with lung cancer. When he drink can after can of Budweiser the devil with his evil smile and manic red eyes was making the clerk at the Bar think that Kieran was twenty-one, just so he could watch him drink himself into a drunken stupor. And yet the devil the was prompting him with his dirty hands, to love his brother in an unbrotherly way. Ivan knew he was going to hell but he didn't want to go. He loved God more than he loved the devil, and as Kieran leaned in to kiss him on the lips, he pushed him away and sat up.
They stared at each other, intensity in their gaze. The only noise that stood between them was that of the crickets slow hum. Ivan was through with Satan's sick game. He stared at his brother, watching his green eyes that were once raging with desire, turn into dark oceans. Kieran's facial expression changed from shock to anger in matter of a second. He parted his lips as if to speak, but instead he turned around and climbed back inside leaving Ivan with God.

Angie! *tackle* I get to review one of your stories! This makes me happy.

Heat was everywhere.

It's strange to think of heat being at a place (i.e., everywhere). Instead, heat seems to have a weight or density to it, so I think it would be more accurate to describe it as so rather then giving it a location.When it comes to beginnings, this is a questionable sentence.

It wasn't the type of hot that made you want to rip off all your clothes and swim in the pond, but it was chilling and somewhat beautiful. It made you want to remember it for years to come.

As much as I question the first sentence, I really love this description here!

"Not as good as you. I'll admit that." Ivan replied.

A little slip here, the period should be a comma: "I'll admit that,"

Usually, it was her who had to stop him before he got too carried away.

"it was she who had to stop him"

When she was being slapped around by her drunkard father and ignored by her simple-minded mother, Lisa thought of Ivan.

I'm thinking to this description is too forward, and a subtle use of words might be desired, maybe displaying this fact more artfully, but at the same time it's not a real huge problem and I don't entirely mind this forward approach, so do whatever you want, I just thought I'd mention an alternative.

"Ivan...," she breathed" are you breaking up with me?"

This seems like a big jump. I feel she should instead be asking, "are we having a fight?"

Kieran saw Lisa run her hand through her long blond mane.

You have such lovely description at the beginning, and here you say "long blong mane", aww. This is a cliche image, try describing her hair differently.

"This isn't funny! Brothers don't touch like this. It's just disgusting!"

I don't think the word brothers should be used here.

Angie, let me tell you, I'm-a likin' this story so far. I'm not entirely sure where it can go from here, but that's the point of reading further, to find out.

When it comes to characterization, I would like to be inside Ivan's head more at the end. We're there at the beginning, and we see how he feels on his face with Lisa, but instead of him speaking aloud at the end and voicing his concerns, I think his insecurities should be inside and Kieran picks up on one thing he says and gets mad at him from what he can tell Ivan is thinking, rather than all of the things he says. I say this because I didn't entirely like all the conversation at the end, and I feel Ivan's distaste for what he is should be an internal struggle rather than a struggle discussed with those taking part in it with him.

Of course, that's just what I'm thinking... I'd like to see where you take this story first before I comment further. And I really like the title too! Makes me think something foreboding is going to happen.

PM me for anything!

~ Clo

are they actually brothers?!

Clo >> *hugs* Thanks for your lovely review. I agree with you on the blond mane thing, it is horribly cliche and bland. I know I can come up with something better. And I didn't like the last section either. I think it needs to be expanded a little. Thanks again!

VUZFEK >> Yes, they are brothers. Sorry if that's really weird but it will go into more detail in the second part. Hope you enjoyed it though.

~ Edited ~

Okay, I finally got around to editing this. Clo thought that you couldn't really get into Ivan's head enough so hopefully the new ending is better. What do you think? Can you get a sense of how Ivan feels clearly?

Here was the ending before I changed it:

[spoiler]
"This is wrong." Ivan said, clamping his lips shut. They were on the roof, their bodies side by side like railroad tracks. Kieran was kissing him from his collarbone to his forehead. Each caress felt wrong, and as the moon stared down at them, he thought that God was watching with his ever-knowing eye. Shuddering, he pushed his brother away and sat up.
"There have been gay people for centuries, Ivan. So tell me why this is wrong, now?"
"It's not the history of..."
"Go on, say it." Kieran pushed, staring at him intently.
The word was stuck on the precipice of his tongue, itching to come out. It felt vile and sin-filled. Just the thought of the word made his insides char like they were thrust into the deep, fiery pits of hell. But he was in hell the first moment he gave into the heat. The first time he dipped his foot into the pool of sin, he should have pulled it out immediately and cleansed it before it became fully corrupted.
"Well?" Kieran asked, shrugging. When Ivan didn't answer, he leaned forward and tried to brush his lips against his but Ivan moved away once more.
"We're Sodomites," he breathed" This is not right because God has said so. If we give in to this, we will burn in hell."
Ivan watched as his brother's face curled up into a smile. It was just like him to laugh at religious views. He thought God was a joke and treated church like it was a circus filled with performers. But Heaven and Hell weren't acts played out by trapeze artist and clowns, they were more serious than that.
"I can't believe you called us 'Sodomites'. I mean, that's so old-fashioned."
"This isn't funny! Brothers don't touch like this. It's just disgusting!" Ivan hissed, his veins boiling under his skin. The laughter died down and then the only noise that stood between them was that of the crickets slow hum. They stared at each other intensity in their gaze.
"Disgusting? You didn't think that last night did you, Ivan? Because from what I recall you enjoyed our little backseat affair. You're gay, deal with it." Kieran growled, and climbed back inside.[/spoiler]



Thanks for reading,

~Angel

Hi, Angel :] Well, there's nothing like a controversial story to budge me into critique-mode.

This deals with homosexuality, so if you're uncomfortable with this subject don't read this.

How funny that you put a little warning about homosexuality, and not incest. I would have thought that far more likely to offend. *Is bemused* Anyhoo...

General Fussiness

The heat was devouring them. It wasn't the type of hot that made you want to rip off all your clothes and swim in the pond,

Fine by all accounts, but since you began to heat, I think it'd sound better if you replaced 'hot' with 'heat' also. Heat is not necessarily hot, y'know?

but [s]it[/s] was chilling and somewhat beautiful.

He wanted to capture it in a bottle, like the millions of lightning bugs he caught as a child. He wanted to love it more than he yearned for it. He wanted it to stay more than he wanted it to leave. But like the fireflies that he held captive, the heat's spark died.

Wow, wow wow. Perfect - beautiful and nto sentimental.

The windows were fogged and the seats were wet.

Try to weave the imagery in amid the dialogue more, rather than dump it down just like that. After the paragraph above, it's an anticlimax.

Kieran felt his brother shift underneath him.

Cleverly put in there. I wasn't expecting it so good-good.

"You know that I'm your girlfriend, right?" He looked at her,

As it is Lisa saying this, not Ivan, the 'He looked at her...' part should be on a new paragraph.

"Ivan...," she breathed" are you breaking up with me?"

Unnecessary ellipsis. The 'she breathed' shows pause sufficiently.

"Ivan's acting weird...I...don't know what's wrong. Maybe...you..." she started.

Ew. *Shields eyes* You're a bit ellipsis-happy. Other techniques?

He parted his lips as if to speak, but instead he turned around and climbed back inside leaving Ivan with God.

Wondrous, but comma before 'leaving Ivan...'

The Verdict

You took a taboo topic and worked it with skill. The imagery is in places fantastic, especially when you describe the brothers together. At places it could be a bit bald... I'm thinking, the parts with Lisa. I don't blame Ivan for losing interest in her! So really a lot of this ranged from middling to uber-brilliant. Yay!
Usually I'm not too fond of choppy prose. I prefer a more linear structure. But it works here, in pursuit of showing the brothers' fractured emotions. The whole thing seemed to fizz with potential and all that jazz.

Good luck in the competition, and I hope to read more.

Lauren