“Words”

I keep trying to write
words that just don’t yet
exist within the pages
of my personal thesaurus.
My pencil keeps scribbling;
the rubber keeps trailing the
lead as the lines unroll
like a Turkish carpet
for some short-lived celebrity –
a lost smile unnoticed,
just a battery wasted
for a blunt camera flash.
Still, my pencil follows the rhythm –
a comma here,
a full-stop there
and an unwanted adjective
sneaking up behind
the one noun itself –
a word that doesn’t yet exist
and a blunt smile unnoticed.
Still, the lines keep unfolding
just like roses in spring,
but not red ones –
bleached petals like paper;
a dance-floor for my pencil –
a comma here,
a full-stop there.
Ending a poem of
unwanted adjectives...

This is really good. I love all of the comparisons, and can really visualize a person sitting down trying to describe this. I really only have one critique: You say both "lost smile unnoticed" and "blunt smile unnoticed." This may have been intentional, but it doesn't really sound right. Just repetitive. Could you get rid of one of them? Other than that, fantastically done. Gold star!

Wow.
I really enjoyed this poem; I love the way you used the phrasing and organized you're lines.
It's pretty.

Nitpicks
e.g. compliments & grammar

bleached petals like paper;
a dance-floor for my pencil –

I like these two lines. It really paints a cool picture in your head.

Still, my pencil follows the rhythm –
a comma here,
a full-stop there

This one was cool too.

I keep trying to write
words that just don’t yet

When I read this, my mind automatically is skipping over the 'just' in the second line.
Rephrase? Take out? I don't know, it just doesn't sound quite right.

**

Wow. (again)
There really weren't a lot of things to correct in this poem.
Again, it's pretty, and I like your style.


Peace. Love. Dearie.

Thank you for your lovely comments! I'm glad you like this poem.

Yes, I understand your comment about 'just' Dearie and I agree. I will edit this out.

However, the repetition about the 'smile' is intentional. It represents two different, yet linked scenarios. First I mention a 'short-lived celebrity'. This is a metaphor for a brief 'glimpse' of the emotion that is love, but it is ignored- lost. Hence 'a lost smile unnoticed'. The second time I use it is when I say that love doesn't yet exist within me, 'a word that doesn't yet exist'. It is a sad fact and thus it doesn't produce any joyful smiles. However, despite being conscious of this, the feelings are still ignored. Hence 'a blunt smile unnoticed'.

I hope you see what I mean.

Again, thank you both for your encouraging and valuable comments.

Nathan.

I like your style, too, nate.b! It's hard for me to get stuff on paper so I can really appreciate it when other people can. I think my favorite part was the part...

bleached petals like paper;
a dance-floor for my pencil –

Amazing! I also like the way you made the poem squiggly--it makes it more interesting to look at. Very well done!

Wow, thank you for your lovely comment.

You said it's hard for you to put your thoughts down on paper. Well, the trick is- don't think. Just write. Don't worry about what words you are using and how accurate they are. Just let it flow.

When you're done, then you can start polishing your piece. The mistake lots of writers make is that they try to make their work perfect as soon as they put their pen to paper. You can write a dozen pages of beautiful, spiralling words without even thinking about it.

Again, just let it flow.

Maybe this will help.

Thanks