Sea

Sea

Blue and clear, just like a melting sapphire,
Flowing down steadily like a tortoise’s footfalls.
Glinting like a vast layer of azure ice,
it opens its palm and swallows its entire surroundings.
Like a child, it plays when happy,
Tickling the sandy beaches as it passes by.
Like an orchestra, it belts out its song
In a whirl of waves crashing.
Like a lion, it stirs when infuriated,
Forming a raging torrent of foam and darkness.
Like a lonely soul,
it remains silent and calm.

Like a sky, it is eternal,
And shall always be.

Hello.

Like a sky, it is eternal,

'the sky' would be better I believe.

This is really good. I think description, personification, similes and metaphors are all such important parts of poetry about nature. It embodies nature in words so the language has to be descriptive and vibrant or else the poem would be dull.

This was a very vivid and beautiful poem.

keep writing. this was an awesome read.

--Knightly

Hi there Lil_Pau! I'm June, and I'm going to review this .

This is a pretty poem! I love how you described all of the faces of the sea, in different images of nature. That's not an easy thing to do, and you've done it well here!

When we come to the final line, I feel like you should use a conjunction-- and-- to join it with the rest of the poem. As it stands right now, it's feeling a little loose, and unconnected with the rest of the piece!

Also! Be careful not to "overword", otherwise, you'll be carrying deadwood in your poem. I'm going to strike out a few things that look removable, dear.

Blue and clear, [s]just[/s] like a melting sapphire,

Flowing [s]down[/s] steadily like a tortoise’s footfalls.

Glinting like a vast layer of azure ice,

[s]it opens its palm and swallows its entire surroundings.[/s]
Opening its palm, swallowing its surroundings.


Like a child, it plays when happy,

Tickling the sandy beaches as it passes by.


Like an orchestra, it belts out its song

In a whirl of waves crashing.


Like a lion, it stirs when infuriated,

Forming a raging torrent of foam and darkness.


Like a lonely soul,

it remains silent and calm.



Like a sky, it is eternal,

And shall always be.

• The reason why I crossed out that line, is because you are speaking in present tense first. You're not actually switching tenses, you're just switching style, but! That disrupts the flow of this epic poem a bit, dear.


Aaand, keep it up! I enjoyed this a lot; It was rather refreshing to read, dear. Keep it up!


June

Hi, Lil_Pau.

First impressions of your poem: Short and sweet with a defined conclusion in a separate stanza - ticks the box for me!

Brilliant metaphors and similes used here, fantastic personification of the sea, especially the comparison with the oh so ferocious lion.

Good use of emotive language:

a raging torrent of foam and darkness

However, one thing I would like to change would be the very last line. I'd change it to, "and exists to the darkest depths, as long as the sun shall burn."

It would seem apt to end on a simile or metaphor, since your poem is full to the brim of them.

All in all, fantastic poem about the sea, one of the few things that humankind still has a vast amount to learn about.

Best wishes in your writing!

~ timeless

Hiya Lil_Pau!

Since I am now finished the judging for Elements of Nature, it's time to pull up all my entries to critique them! ^_^

I was judging on three items. How you portrayed the element, originality and structure.

Element: The ocean is most definitely an element! I liked the way it was described, too. You haven't minced a single word! You've captured the ocean and water in general very well. This poem is pure simplicity.

Originality: By encompassing every aspect of the ocean, you've created something very unique. Everything is blended so well together, and you've made it your own.

Structure: I liked the way this was broken up! Usually I'm a fan of poems in stanzas, but this one works just the way it is. Some lines were a bit awkward and long, however, which dimmed the pleasure for me.

Congratulations on getting second prize!

~Rosey

Thanks for the comments; I didn't really expect to get 2nd place. ^^

i like this.

your words paint a beautiful picture for any readers, and i like the way you use plenty of descriptive words without having to take it overboard and make it sound like an acid trip.

you used a good amount of elements like personification, and wonderful similes.

it's a simple concept, which i really like. just telling how it feels to be there on the beach, relaxing.

however, i would remove "down" in the first stanza, second line.