More Lust Then Greed

There is simply no way,
To explain an emotion that has not been named.
I feel it when I’m around you,
And slyly wonder, do you feel it too?

It overcomes you happiness,
And takes all of your desires away.
Only and certainly because,
I no I can have you any day.

But I want you everyday.

It hits you in the stomach,
Replacing the butterflies.
Hoping not to be stupid.
If I do, wishing I would die.

It travels to your heart.
Makes it feel warm and needed.
While it leaves other peoples unnecessary warnings, completely unheeded.

When it reaches your mouth,
Passion looks at your lips with lust.
My body feels loved,
But amazingly untouched.

When I finally get what I want,
Another emotion comes into me.
Quickly and without a warning.
The feeling of completion,
And a little bit of greed.

Okay, so I think there was some good stuff in this poem. The single line "But I want you everyday." worked well, as did the lines "My body feels loved/But amazingly untouched".

However, the good stuff's drowning in the attempt at a rhyme scheme. Having a rhyme scheme does not just mean rhyming "cat" with "hat". It also means creating a rhythm, a flow that matches the rhyme. Try free verse the next time. It'll create a better flow and allow you to use more powerful words.

Another major problem the piece suffers from is that it's vague. It starts off by telling us there is no way to explain something, then proceeds to attempt to explain it. This poem could be much stronger if you included more images to make us feel what you're feeling instead of you simply telling us how you feel. That's boring and no one wants to read it.

Example: if you were writing about someone who was sad, you don't just say "Emily was sad." Instead, you might say, "Emily sat alone in the corner of the cafeteria, sighing as she played with her mashed potatoes and wondering why no one ever wanted to sit with her." Okay, that may not be the best example, but notice how there's more detail, more interest. You get a hint both at how she feels, why she feels that way, and what she's doing.

Try to incorporate that same idea into the poem. Show me the background, the details. Make it unique.

One last complaint I have about the piece: You open up into what could be an interesting idea (lust + greed=?) but then the poem ends! Maybe you could expand upon it. If you don't want to, then remove it, because the last line isn't the best place to start a new idea.

I know the review was harsh, but I think this piece has potential. It could use more precise imagery and freedom from rhyming restrictions. Keep writing!

I pretty much concur with niteowl; it's a great piece, but I think the rhyming needs to go.

A lot of people on here seem to think that if it's a poem, it MUST rhyme. That's not true at all. I wrote a romantic poem that had no rhyming whatsoever, and you know what? It actually gave me freedom to write down more than I could've written if I'd been rhyming the whole time. Sometimes rhyming causes the meaning to get lost as the work is being written.

So, a great piece has been written here, but my advise is to try to write the next one without rhymes, and see how it goes. You never know what might turn up that way.

Hiya Writing! June here =).

So. I agree with both Niteowl and Krupp. The rhyming isn't actually working here. Instead of adding to this, it's restricting you.

You have some pretty good concepts that can be worked with effectively. However, the way that they're presented isn't working. Your rhyme is limiting you; if this were free form, you would have the ability to expand, go further, and show us all that you have, dear.

There are also some places where you can fix the wording. It doesn't necessarily have to follow any set structure, dear. Don't sacrifice for rhyme! It's a crime!

There is simply no way,

To explain an emotion that has not been named.

I feel it when I’m around you,

And slyly wonder, do you feel it too?

Let's take a look at this last line, too.

We can easily reword this to be more fluent; And slyly wonder if you feel it too.

You're giving us a statement, dear. There's no reason that you need a question mark on the end of this.

It overcomes you happiness,

And takes all of your desires away.

Only and certainly because,

I no I can have you any day.

In the first line, you should be your.

In the last line, no should be know. The "no" you want to use is the one that posesses knowledge, dear.

It hits you in the stomach,

Replacing the butterflies.

Hoping not to be stupid.

If I do, wishing I would die.

Here's where confusion comes in, dear. Why, in the first line, you have "you", but in the second line you're talking about I (yourself)?



Pay attention to these little type of errors. They seem harmless at first glance, but they will do lots and lots of bad things to your audience. Instead of giving them the clear effect, and the proper message, you will lead us to being confused, and also make us wonder how we are supposed to interpret such and such thing.



You have some good concepts here, dear. I want to see you work with them, polish them, and turn this into a masterpiece. Go for it!

Keep it up!

June

Hello!
I hope I don’t come as too harsh.
First of all, your title is what caught me. It isn’t written correctly.

More Lust Then Greed.

It should be “More Lust Than Greed.”

Because you’re comparing the two things rather than showing a point in time.

There is simply no way,

To explain an emotion that has not been named.

I feel it when I’m around you,

And slyly wonder, do you feel it too?

There’s no use for the question mark, you don’t need it. ^^

It overcomes you happiness,

Perhaps you mean 'your' instead of 'you'?

And takes all of your desires away.

Only and certainly because,

I no I can have you any day.

the ‘no’ here should be ‘know’ instead.

But I want you everyday.

I like this line, and wish you would of went more in depth with it.

It hits you in the stomach,

Replacing the butterflies.

Hoping not to be stupid.

If I do, wishing I would die.

These lines confuse me a bit. Who are you referring to? “you” as in the reader or “I” as in the narrator?

It travels to your heart.

Makes it feel warm and needed.

While it leaves other peoples unnecessary warnings, completely unheeded.

The last line seems a bit long, maybe if you reworded it, it would feel less awkward.

When it reaches your mouth,

Passion looks at your lips with lust.

My body feels loved,

But amazingly untouched.

When I finally get what I want,

Another emotion comes into me.

Quickly and without a warning.

The feeling of completion,

And a little bit of greed.

*Alright so the beginning rhymes bothered me because they felt a little forced, but the last two or three I liked. Just try to let it flow a little better in the future, alright?
Also I really do like the idea behind this, it just needs a little cleaning up and better wording. Remember that it’s rare for a poet to leave everything as is, it’s okay to tweak things a bit.
Great poem keep shooting for the stars.

Thanks everyone. This was kind of a quicky, and I have had no time to fix anything. [[istep]]

So I will rewrite it later, since there are so many errors.

Thanks again. =]