What Would You Say

What would you say

Daddy, what would you say if I went away?
Mommy, would you cry if died?
God came to me today,
He said it was time to go away,
He said it was sad to take someone so young
For our lives had only just begun.
So I asked him what I would gain.
God replied that I'd be out of pain.
I went with him that day,
that beautiful morning in May.
I would never go home again...


Dedicated to all childern who never got the chance...

Summer! Welcome to YWS! It's June here .

Wow, this is the type of poem that brings tears to my eyes. It's amazing! I really like it, it's so delicate, and the fact that it is dedicated to those who never had the chance makes me want to smile and cry at the same time.

Daddy what would you say if I went away?

Dear, you need a comma after "Daddy".

Mommy would you cry if died?

... and same for Mommy, a comma should follow.

God came to me today,

he said it was time to go away

he said it was sad to take someone so young

A comma is needed on the end of that second line, dear.

Also, capitalize the H in he; because the pronoun relates to God, it should be capitalized, dear.

for our lives had only just begun.

So I asked him what I would gain

Because you have capitalized the beginnings of the above lines, I think that the F in for should be capitalized. Add a period after "Gain", too, dear.

god replied that I'd be out of pain.

The G in God should be capitalized; even though it feels indirect, it is a proper noun.

I went with him that day,

that beautiful morning in May.

Okay, let me be honest and rant a little.

When I came to this line, I really started to cry. It's just the connectivity between this line and the lines before is really touching.

My younger sister died in May after a long, painful battle. This part reminded me of her so much, I couldn't help it. Well done, dear. Well done.

I would never go home again.....

The ellipsis is three dots, dear. No more, no less. (...)

*


As I just mentioned, this made me cry. It touched my heart, made me smile and made me cry.

I don't have anything else to say here, other than I'm giving you a gold star.


Keep up the brilliant work!

June

This was...epic. Beautifully brilliant.
Short and utterly sweet.
I didn't spot any other mistakes aside from what June had pointed out.
*starts to cry*

I'd give you 2 gold stars if I could.
Its works like these that make YWS proud.

I'm sorry for not commenting more on your poetry,
But I'm not a poet
Though I can appreciate poetry.

*stumbles off, looking for tissue*

~Meep(:

Hmm... all I have to say is that this was too short. This was really beautiful and emotional but I beleive it would have been better if it was longer. The shortness made it seem slightly rushed. Making this longer would give you an opportunity on what "no pain" would be or what she could "gain".

This is a lovely topic to write about.

keep writing.

--Knightly

A beautiful poem. I disagree with the comment above. I don't think this is too short. The piece symbolises the length, or shortness, of those children's lives.

I too think it's very sad that these things happen. However, I don’t think God is the one who takes the children away. God is not cruel and taking little children's lives would be cruel. I think these things just happen and that makes it even sadder.

I do like the idea of the piece and the way you portrayed the sadness of the fact that so many children 'never got the chance'. You manage to capture volumes of emotions with just a handful of words. Well done.

Nathan.

springrain2693 wrote:
Okay, let me be honest and rant a little.

When I came to this line, I really started to cry. It's just the connectivity between this line and the lines before is really touching.

My younger sister died in May after a long, painful battle. This part reminded me of her so much, I couldn't help it. Well done, dear. Well done.

My little sister died when she was eight months old from SIDS. I still feel like she was taken too young. And even though I hardly had a chance to know her it was hard on me. So yeah, this was for her.

Oooooh....this is so sweet and sad. I love it. The phrasing is very soft and delicate, and it makes it very childish, which adds to the sweetness.

It reminds me of my cousin, who was killed at seventeen. I know you don't really mean it like, that, but oh well...

It almost made me cry, which is a big thing. I love it!