The universe on top of me

There's only one single candle placed in the middle of the cake and it wants to be consumed.
The guests are now going, you and me watching each other without knowing what to say.
Nothing to discover how I feel
this day was really perfect.
Nothing at all like before
when it was hard for me to smile.

A joke cracked by destiny,
an accelerated melody
in a song that never ends.
I've already had enough,
I need someone that understands me.
I'm alone in the middle of a crowd.
What can I do?

All those badly broken toys,
all those crazy crazy lovers,
all those leather shoes,
all those doll houses
where I celebrated parties
and only I was there.
Here comes the forgotten spirit
of the summer of love.

I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the universe on top of me.
I want to run in freedom,
I want to cry with laughter.
Like a castaway in the sea
I want to find my place,
only find my place.

I was surprised reading this. THis sounds extremely intelligent, considering that you're only 13.

Don't take offence at that; it's true. Younger teens aren't likely to come up with verses like this, but you did. That's what's impressive. And you contemplated something most kids your age would not even think about. I think what truly surprises me the most though is that I've read through this six times already, and I can't find anything wrong or needing correcting. I'm giving this a star; you've earned it. Congratulations. It was a terrific effort.

Wow...Krupp took the words right out of my mouth.

Nicely done JustMe Keep writing like that and you'll be famous before you know it.

Hi again, JustMe! June here!

Wow! This was downright impressive!

I really enjoyed this from start to finish-- you captured my interest at the beginning and sustained it throughout the poem.

I like how you started off with long lines, gradually making them shorter and shorter until they fell into a rhythmic pattern here. I also really enjoy how you focus on the candle, and gradually move onto everything surrounding that candle. Brilliant job! This is impressive!

My favorite stanza is the last one; it's really grasping the energy of the poem, pulling it together and making us feel the narrator's excitement with this.

I have nothing more to say, dear! Gold star for you-- keep it up!

June

This is a very whimsical and enjoyable poem. I couldn't find any fault with it. I love the emotion that accompanies it, and the rhythm is pleasing.

Very good work, keep it up!
One gold star goes to you...

Krupp wrote:This sounds extremely intelligent, considering that you're only 13.

Report me then, but I'm only 11.

This'll be quick..everyone said this is great...I share their opinion..

JustMe wrote:There's only one single candle placed in the middle of the cake and it wants to be consumed.
The guests are now going, you and me watching each other without knowing what to say.
Nothing to discover how I feel
this day was really perfect
[s]and I look so happy now.[/s]
Nothing at all like before
when it was hard for me to smile.

JustMe wrote:A joke cracked by destiny,
an accelerated melody
in a song that never ends.
I've already had enough,
I need some that understands me.
I'm alone in the middle of a crowd.
What can I do?

Only in this stanza: bad rhythm...

JustMe wrote:...

JustMe wrote:I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the universe on top of me.
I want to run in freedom,
I want to cry with laughter. Excellent!
I want to live,
I want to shout,
I want to feel
the universe on top of me. Why repetition?
Like a castaway in the sea,
I want to find my place,
only find my place.