[deleted]

I'm sorry to say, but I've decided to remove this post.

Hey, I really only have time to review your prologue! I'll have to get back to the first chapter later!

Prologue

If you’re reading this, my advice to you is to drop this immediately before you get any further. I’m warning you now and I won’t warn you again. This has to deal with secrets human kind is too fragile to learn about[s],[/s] now, or even in a millennia…


Hey, what are you going on about? You just keep rambling on and on. And what do you mean ‘secrets human kind is too fragile to learn about’? Um, [s]helll-lllooo!?[/s] hello?! Anyone home? We ARE human kind! Duh! Don’t be so dramatic!


Hey! I was NOT being dramatic! I thought I told you to leave me alone, Chris! This is my private[s]…![/s]--!

Hmmm…yeah, right, whatever. Too bad for you, Karen. In case you forgot-I’m in this, too!


I try my best to forget about you, but for some reason, I can’t seem to be able to. Gee, I wonder why that is?


I dunno, why don’t you look around?


Um, I was being sarcastic!


Oh. Wait…You….were being…?


Yes! I’ve shocked you into speechlessness! Yeah, anyway, can we just get on with the story?


Sure, why not? What’s stopping you?


Ugghh! You are such a pain! You are the one who’s stopping me! Anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted[s]…[/s]--


Hey! I did not interrupt you!


Uh-huh, just keep on telling yourself that...


Oh. Right, sorry, I’ll just shut up now, don’t mind me…


Yes, as I was saying: You really shouldn’t be reading this. The information on these pages could destroy you and your very being. I have told you, I have warned you, and I shall not do so again. Continue on, if you think you can handle it…


Karen Lythe (and Chris Demises-don’t forget me!)


Hey! Chris, I am sooo gonna get you later, so you’d better watch yourself!


What did I ever do to you!?


Oh, hmmm, let me think…

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS

So it was a very animated introduction. It was pretty good, but I don't think it was great. I like how it had humour in it, and gave a little chuckle to the reader.

You did a good job with the fact that you left the reader wondering about the threat? Why should I put the book down? It'll ruin my existance? How so?

I think that the whole part should've been in quoatations instead of just sentences. I think it was more of a conversation than anything.

You had a few little errors, but those were only minor. All-in-all, the grammar and spelling was superb.

Hope that helps you out!

Thank you so much for actually replying back! I know I put a lot in there so it might be a pain to read all of it, but I really appreciate that you reviewed even though you only did the prologue. I like your idea about quote marks-you're right, it does seem more like a conversation than, well, whatever I'd envisioned at the time! Thanks a bunch, I'll definitely be going back to edit now!

Hiya! "Atlantis" in the title caught my eye. Now, to critique:

Prologue: I would nix it, or really clean it up. I don't particularly like the fourth wall between the book and the audience to be broken much, and here you've set up a conversation with the reader. It's a good hook with line one, but the reader's comments broke it up for me. I don't really like it when a somber tone is broken by sarcasm like that. Personally, I find "I was going to kill him" a better hook.

Voice: I was really put off by your character's teen-speak here. Yes, I know teenagers (and lot of other people) speak like that in real life. We break up our sentences with "like," start sentences with "I mean," and will put fifteen "um"s in a ten-minute conversation. However, has you ever read a conversation like that between two people? It's not only hard to understand, it makes you want to delete all such phrases from your speaking. Using words/phrases such as "like," "I mean" and "um" every once and awhile can have a really good punch to it, but all time gets on people's nerves.

As an Introduction: As an introduction, this work had it's moments. I did enjoy the comments about Florida, but you never do tell us why she's going there. It's hard to peg down who Kalazarai is, other then immortal. However, I did like the "Hmm, I suppose you're quiet confused right now" line. That was funny, since I was confused. Now, had your explanation been a little clearer, this would have been even better, ja?

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey