Holy Rolling (4)

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A/N: This one's kind of long.

[mathis]

Old Tejano music played on the radio. Busted, spingy beats. The structured whine of the singers. The slurred spice of the brassy, dented notes playing as the patrol car thundered down the road, tires choking on potholes, churning up specters of red dust that settled lightly on the leaves and the hood of the car, like pink face-powder on the scoured cheeks of pretty ladies. The car groaned and shuddered. Stuttering wipers had to be turned on to sweep away the dust on the windshield.
The sky thinly veiled by the cosmetics of pale heat. It was cupped over the red, thirsty earth like cold hands over a fire.
Sheriff Bud Mathis tucked a cigarette between his lips. He was scowling. His hands were tight around the steering wheel. He hated Tejano music. It reminded him of days so hot the asphalt sucked stickily at your shoes. It reminded him of dirt poor neighborhoods and rusty, old cars and little barefoot mexican kids. But it was the only station his patrol car picked up throughout the entire county, and he hated the dead, friendless silence more than he hated the music.
He pulled over to the side of the road where he saw the fallen street sign and two other dusty cars squatted, fat and brown as indian women. Chewing on the end of the cigarette, he turned off the car and stepped out into the tin, ticking heat. He squinted up at the sun, spat on the ground, and walked through the cut hole in the barbed wire fence with his hands in his pockets. A dead man in the river. Just floating there. Two scared kids. Tiny and shaky. Hidden in the reeds with cold pasty hands. Mathis checked his pockets for a match and frowned.
Trees stood unstirred.
Still and gaunt and thin, like gray shell-shocked soldiers.
He came over the hunched slope of the land that drained into the sluggish river where Bill and Schaffer were talking and smoking. They had the body drug up on shore and wrapped in a wool blanket. Mathis could smell it all the way up on the crest of the hill. He came down and shook both of the mens' hands, rough and firm with work.
“How ye doing, Sheriff?” Shaffer asked.
“Alright, I guess. Dying in this godawful weather, though.”
Bill spat. “It's like the devil's decided all the sudden to set up shop here in town or something.”
“I sweat all night long, wake up, go to work, and the sheets are still soaking wet when I get home,” Shaffer said, laughing a little. He pulled a lighter out of his pocket and offered it to Mathis.
Mathis lit up.
Bill's cheeks gusted like old, salty schooner sails as he smoked, his knuckles balled up and his thin, lacy hair standing ever so slightly off of his head like busy insect antennas. He was an old man. His breathing squeaked and ratcheted and bubbles of spit formed at the corners of his mouth. Spotted, yellow skin. Shaffer was the county deputy. A hard little man. Stretched, rawhide face with hollow cheeks and gritty lips. Folds of loose skin hanging floppy from his neck. Club-footed. His hobo-tool fingers always working. The simple industry of his hands.
Mathis looked at the body. “So what do we have?”
“Some poor bastard,” said Shaffer.
“Probably homeless. Couldn't find no driver's license or nothing,” said Bill. He squatted down on his haunches and peeled the blanket away from the corpse's face. His peach-pit eyes stared upwards. Soft skin rotting of his face, warped and sun-yellowed, like the pages of a wet book. A sick, soggy grin. Mathis nodded and pulled on the cigarette.
“Alright. Let's drag him up to my car and load him up. I don't recognize him. Probably a drifter. Any signs of foul play?”
“No. Not really. Looks like he just keeled over,” said Shaffer.
“Alright.”
Mathis picked him up by his ankles and Bill hooked his hands through his armpits. An anonymous, shifty breath of wind chaffed through the dry trees, unhinging leaves that fluttered ground-ward, whispering boneless secrets. The corpse was heavy. Bill waddled with the weight of the body at the level of his crotch, breathing heavy and sweat dripping off of his nose. Shaffer offered to switch. Bill swore at him and told that he could handle it, for God's sake.
They came up onto the road, Shaffer opened the backseat door of the patrol car and slid the body in. Bill's breath rattled like bones cast by fortune-tellers. In the distance, the heat grooved – a spangled, hip undulation of horizon and the laboring, slave-back of the road. “Gonna be a helluva stink in there, Sheriff.”
“I'll roll down the windows.”
“You'll get choked out by dust.”
“I'll drive so fast it won't catch up.”
Bill put his hands in his pocket and wiped away the rim of sweat and dirt on his face with a handkerchief. “I need to get home, Mathis. Mother will be setting the table about now.”
“Sure. Thanks for your help, Bill.”
“Luck finding whatever done this.”
“Thanks.”
Bill walked to his car, started it up, and drove onto the road, little spools of dust curling out from the wheel-wells and trailing up behind him. Shaffer kicked the ground and bit his lip.
“Lot of strange things happening lately, Sheriff.”
“Call me Mathis, Shaf. I've got a name.”
“Okay. You noticed that?”
“What?”
“The wild stuff happening in town.”
“You mean what happened with Mrs. Parris?”
“Yeah. Kinda gives me the creeps.”
“Doctor said that her brain was just firing off like crazy because of a stroke.”
“I dunno. Maybe. What about Mel's wife? And Jud's kid. Lots of dead bodies. The guy in the river...”
“Everyone's a little on edge, Shaf, just because of the heat and the lack of rain. Nothing out of the ordinary. People die sometimes.”
“I guess.”
“When it rains, things'll look less dreary.”
“I guess.”
“I better get this poor bastard down to the coroner's.”
“Okay.”
“See you, Shaf.”
“Alright. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Sheriff.”
Mathis got into his car and turned the ignition. The body in the back rested with its hands on its stomach. Silent and fetid. His presence pressed up against Mathis like a girl sidled up against him in a drive-up movie. Tejano music belted out of the grainy speakers. The world looked bottled and canned through the dusty windshield, preserved. Mathis flicked his cigarette out his window, put the car in reverse, and drove onto the road back towards town.
Behind him, Shaffer twisted and shivered in the hot mirages, like an Old Crow chief dancing for rainfall.
The heat blushed.

[franklin]

The hole gaped red and naked, smelling of earth and slow decomposition. The two men with shovels had gotten it as deep as they could, but the ground held out against them, tough and raw, like the hands of a man who has worked a plow his entire life. The unforgiving lid of the land. Wizened and skinny, receiving the footsteps of men and women silently, allowing their toil against it, but sealed up like a stale, faceless crypt. A famine of soul. Pastor Franklin could feel the despair of the land under his feet. He could feel Mother Earth with her eyes shrunk up into her skull, black wells for sockets, her bony, sheer hands, and shaking slightly, trembling like a bitter old woman in a rockingchair, once beautiful maybe, but now a cheap parody of a timeless shame. He could feel the tired age. And it kind of scared him. It scared him to think that the world was winding down. A few last words. A couple more shuffling rotations around the sun, just for old time's sake, a softshoe dance performed by old lovers. Maybe it was just how it felt now. Things would get better. There were always the dry times, right alongside the good, bountiful times.
But what with Mrs. Parris and all...
Bland wooden crosses stood crookedly in the cemetery.
Pastor Franklin stood in his best suit at the foot of the freshly dug grave with his bible open in his hands. There was a small crowd gathered around the grave. Mrs. Parris rested in a rough-cut pinewood box, nailed shut and heavy, lying next to the grave.
“And so,” he continued, “we stand here deeply grieved and at a loss because of Edith's passing, but we also revel in the chance to strengthen ourselves before our Lord and Maker, God the Father. A chance to praise Jesus's name for the living among us and speak well of the dead and to pray in bitter supplication. That is what I propose we do in the wake of this solemn, unfortunate incident. Pray our hearts out. Pray for Mrs. Parris. Pray for her son in New York. Pray for rain. And pray that you yourself will have a long and fulfilling existence. And I say these things in God's name, amen.”
Amen.
“Does anyone have anything to add,” he asked. He looked up into the faces of the crowd. Dark and worried. Their mouths pulled tight and their hands gripping the brims of their hats tightly. A few children with chapped, flaky lips and squinty eyes. They stood around the grave, dirty and patched and limp, like a bunch of voodoo dolls.
Franklin looked down at the coffin. He could almost feel Mrs. Parris there with them. Her gray, coiled barbed wire hair. Her legs folded neatly. Her dainty hands and cruelly poisoned and papery. A strict hardness. When she was young, her words could work on a man. She could bend and twist his will like a strand of hair coiled around a finger. Her lips always dark. Juicy with a sinful contradiction. Yellow eyes always wide. Back straight. Fingers curled and fragile as snailshells. And smiling, smiling, smiling.
Living and dead, the woman had always made him a little sick.
He was secretly glad she was dead.
“No one?”
Robert Marsh stepped forward creakily. His face used and old, like something you might pick up in a thrift store, with a history of fingertips and spit shine. A humble, slow man. His hat scrunched up in his fists.
“Preacher,” he said. “I ain't got no good words to say for the dead. Don't have no bad ones neither. But I do have something for you to talk to us about.” He licked his lips. Franklin frowned. He'd known this was coming.
“What the hell was she talking about, Preacher? Was that some sort of spell? What the hell she mean by 'sinners have poisoned us all'?”
The crowd kind of shifted and a dry, antique wind charmed some murmurs of agreement. Franklin closed his bible. He looked off. He looked into the stonewashed blueness of the sky, the stitching of the wispy clouds. He licked his lips.
“Doctor Ross said it was a stroke. I believe him.”
“But, godssakes, Franklin, that was a vision if I've ever seen one! Straight from God!”
Someone else spoke, “Or straight out of hell.”
The crowd looked excited and terrified wordless at the same time, like kids watching cheap horror flicks in the dim of a theater.
“Neurons,” he said. “Just a bunch of random neurons making her talk like that.”
Robert Marsh was quiet for a moment, looking down.
And then he said, “No science holds a candle where the word of God is concerned.”
“And what if that wasn't the word of God? What am I saying? Of course it wasn't. God doesn't speak through tight old women.”
“What about reva-lay-shun?”
“God doesn't speak through old women,” Franklin repeated.
“He spoke through a bush, for God's sake!” someone said.
“Who are the sinners among us?” said another.
“And the heat. It all feels like a curse.”
“Dead children. Dead babies.”
“My mother had a stroke and she sure didn't jaw off like that!”
“It's punishment, isn't it, preacher?”
The crowd broke into yelling and squawking and waving their hands. Hot, fervent interjections. Their eyes crazed and wild, twidling like radio dials. They moved forward. Their lips peeling and supplicating. Their hands shoved forward, groping for understanding, for answers. Spooked like horses. Pastor Franklin closed his eyes and chewed on the insides of his cheeks. Then he nodded at the two gravediggers, leaning there on their shovels shirtless and oily, their faces long and vague.
“Bury her.”
They moved forward, picked up the coffin – grunting, their fingers scraping on the fresh, splintery pine – and dropped her into the shallow hole. The crowd was still feverish with questions and speculation. Their poor, upturned faces. Warped yellow, their mouths black and sucking like holes in space. Franklin turned his back and walked back toward the church, stepping among the penitent crosses and the humped earth.
Preacher!
Preacher, what's going on!
But he ignored them.
He was just as scared, but he ignored them.
Someone had to be level-headed.
There was a dexterity in the way the low wind played with the dry treebranches and the dead grass and the weary clothes of the funeral attendants, operating like the fingers of workers on an assembly line, screwing, nailing, creeping, sweeping, and whistling patternless, forgotten tunes.
The heat shoveled.
Last edited by Kylan on Sun Mar 15, 2009 12:13 am, edited 2 times in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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Hi Ky. Here I am again, to give you my two cents on Part Four of Holy Rolling.

I didn't really mind the length of this one so much. The first half, where they are recovering the dead body, was enjoyable. It may not have done much plotwise, merely served to show how all the strange occurrences were being perceived by people, but it was well written and I did like it. I had to laugh at the county's name though. Coghill sounds really cliche, but it made me laugh rather than groan, so whatever you want to do with it is fine.

The second half was also all right. I had said earlier I thought that the hellfire and brimstone preacher was rather outdated, but you managed to give him honest emotions here, namely his dislike of Mrs. Parris and his unwillingness to agree with the mourners. That last one was really good, going contrary against what the standard stereotype for such a character is.

All in all, a very good section. I'm still not certain what direction this story is going in, so I'll stick around and see. Good job and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
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Hey Ky!

Thanks for the heads up.

Really, I don't see anything to nit-pick about. I'm really thirsting to find out what is going on here but I guess I'll have to be patient. The length didn't matter much because I couldn't stop reading and the dialect is so believable that I can almost here your characters talking. Which is not surprising because when you write, everything is always vivid and really, it's starting to creep me out.


Well, keep me posted,

~Angel
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I was going to try to get this started when I was at school today, but the computer totally flipped out on me, so this is the first chance I've had to sit down and read it. ^_^

The slurred spice of the brassy, dented notes playing as the patrol car thundered down the road, tires choking on potholes, churning up specters of red dust that settled lightly on the leaves and the hood of the car, like pink face-powder on the scoured cheeks of pretty ladies.


I really, really like all the dimensions of this sentence, which means I don't want you to remove any of them, but the placement of the 'tires choking on potholes' phrase disrupts the flow and might make readers think that the potholes are churning up specters of red dust. >_<;; Bleh, so consider reworking that. ^_^

They had the body drug up on shore and wrapped in a wool blanket.


Ummm, so this signifies that the 'dragging' happens while the sheriff is arriving or just after he's arrived, but I don't know if that's how you meant it. Surely they'd have done something with the scene after arriving instead of waiting until the sheriff got there? So maybe you should say 'had the body up on shore'?

Bill's cheeks gusted like old, salty schooner sails as he smoked, his knuckles balled up and his thin, lacy hair standing ever so slightly off of his head like busy insect antennas.


I really like this passage, but I'm not quite getting the imagery of 'knuckles balled up'. =/ Like, to me, that would mean he's kind of clenching the cigarette, and I'm not how that would work for smoking? =/ Unless you meant the knuckles of his free hand. I like the other two comparisons, though the two 'likes' in the same sentence might be a bit much.

whispering boneless secrets. The corpse was heavy. Bill waddled with the weight of the body at the level of his crotch, breathing heavy and sweat dripping off of his nose. Shaffer offered to switch. Bill swore at him and told that he could handle it, for God's sake.

They came up onto the road, Shaffer opened the backseat door of the patrol car and slid the body in. Bill's breath rattled like bones cast by fortune-tellers.


Here, you can see that two descriptions including 'bones' are put in close proximity to each other. This wouldn't be a real problem, except that I noticed it and it threw me off. I don't really like it the way you use it the first time anyways, so maybe find a different type of secret for the winds to tell. ^_^

The heat blushed.


I liked the verbs you used for all the other sections, but not this one. To me, blushed might come after some sweet or quiet section, but this is a very manly kind of section. Just my personal opinion. ^_^

but now a cheap parody of a timeless shame.


I'm curious as to what you meant by this. I understand many of your other comparisons, but this one doesn't fit for me. D:

Pastor Franklin stood in his best suit at the foot of the freshly dug grave with his bible open in his hands.


IN, AT, WITH. =/ That's a lot of prepositional phrases in one sentence. Maybe try to work one of them into another part of the description or just dump one that you find the least necessary. =]

“Does anyone have anything to add,” he asked.


-pokes at the comma, trying to turn it into a question mark-

The crowd broke into yelling and squawking and waving their hands.


So I can see where this would just go with the style, but taking the sentence apart, it goes 'The crowd broke into... waving their hands.' which doesn't quite sit right with me. You could just use a comma instead of that last 'and', if you wanted. =]

wild, twidling like radio dials.


Twiddling?

Warped yellow, their mouths black and sucking like holes in space.


Eck, I noticed it the few other times, but you use 'yellow' four times in this part of the story, and it's almost always used when speaking about people or their skin. You should find another way to describe it, otherwise it seems like you're just repeating the same description over and over. ^_^

I really liked this part, I liked the mob-mentality and the calm at the death-scene. I can't wait for the next installment! ^_^ PM me when its up?

-Hannah-




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KY! This is me catching up with your postings, for once! I'm very proud of myself for being on the ball. I'm not sure if this is considered me giving you the prizes for winning my contest, but I'll just dismiss all thought of that, since no one claims prizes anyway, and I'll try to review anything you send me.

---

The black names in brackets are back again. I'm wondering about the inconsistency there. How come they weren't in the third posting? *shrug*

Old Tejano music played on the radio. Busted, spingy beats.

I'm-a thinkin' I caught me a typo. Spingy beats... springy beats.

They had the body drug up on shore and wrapped in a wool blanket.

Drug? That seems odd. But I've never considered the tenses of "to drag" before. Drag, dragged, dragging, drug? I'm not so sure this works, but I'm also not about to look it up. :P

The heat blushed.

Ooh, this is my favorite one yet by far.

Oh! I love, love, love, love the characterization of the pastor in this part. I wasn't entirely convinced or fond of his character in anyway before, but these descriptions just have me utterly intrigued now. You nailed the characterization here.

I also love the "something strange is going on around here" tone of the story, since it's beyond intriguing. Seriously, I want to keep reading right now. Do you have a lot written already? How do you go about your YWS posting? Publish, Ky, publish.

The pacing is very skillful as well. I don't feel rush, and this seems perfect for a novel or novella as well. Look at you... you're making my reviews all praise... I don't even know what else to say.

~ Clo
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OK. I'm sorry that I haven't been reading these, but now I'm here, and hopefully I can get through a few in the limited time I have.

Chewing on the end of the cigarette, he turned off the car and stepped out into the tin, ticking heat.


What's a tin, ticking heat? ;)

If you've ever seen The Mist (movie), you've probably realized how cheesy it suddenly got when everyone in the supermarket wanted to turn against each other and "offer sacrifices" because it's God's way of punishing them that there are monsters in the mist outside of the supermarket.

So this line:

“Lord God wants repentance! He wants a sacrifice!”


reeeeeeeally ruined it for me. It suddenly went from an enjoyable read to a groaning read. I really disliked the funeral, Kylan. I think it's been like every other funeral I've ever read about. The preacher bugged me the most. I don't agree with the others who have said they liked the Preacher. I thought he was extremely cliché.

In the first half, it was bareable because your characters were examining a dead body, and that interests me. Even if their dialog was a tad bit too cliché.

Ex:

Mathis looked at the body. “So what do we have?”


“And so,” he continued, “we stand here deeply grieved and at a loss because of Edith's passing, but we also revel in the chance to strengthen ourselves before our Lord and Maker, God the Father. A chance to praise Jesus's name for the living among us and speak well of the dead and to pray in bitter supplication. That is what I propose we do in the wake of this solemn, unfortunate incident. Pray our hearts out. Pray for Mrs. Parris. Pray for her son in New York. Pray for rain. And pray that you yourself will have a long and fulfilling existence. And I say these things in God's name, amen.”


This monologue killed me, man.

“Who are the sinners among us?” said another.


Much too formal for these county folk.

So, Kylan, my biggest concern with this chapter is your dialog. Some of it was simply horrendous. Really try in future chapters to distinguish your characters from other characters. Because right now, I don't really like them. At all.

Sorry for being a bit harsh, but this needs it. ^_^

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.



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