Land of the dead.

The last stanza needs a lot of work. Critiques appreciated!


My sin is great;
my soul is black.
My life expires.
There's no going back.

I travel the path.
Many footsteps pass,
giant walls rise;
slabs made of brass.

Trembling, I stand
at the castle door.
I think of my past,
my eyes fill with gore.

The gates swing open
and evil eyes glow.
Diseased spirits gather,
looking for a show.

A great wind blows.
My hair stands on end.
Spirits rise and swirl;
there's nothing left to defend.

The monster mutters
the final command,
and then I'm finished and gone.
Gone from this putrid land.

I thought it was great, except for the final stanza:

The monster mutters

the final command,

and then I'm finished and gone.

Gone from this putrid land.

It didn't really seem to go with the rythm.

Otherwise it was a great read!

Not much for me to say...

My first complaint about this poem is that it's a lot like your "Center" poem, with the same type of repeating meter (2/3/2/3) and rhyme scheme (a/b/c/b). It just gets boring really quickly, even if it rolls off the tongue in a very nice way. I think you could expand your poetic range to include some other types of rhyming poetry. It's a niche that only a few people can fill well; you could try sonnets, odes, villanelles, or just a more expanded quatrain style. It's really hard for a lot of people to have such precise rhyme and meter, so you should play up your knack as much as possible.

Preamble over; onto the actual poem.

My sin is great;

my soul is black.

My life expires.

There's no going back.

Well, that's not at all emo sounding.
The thing that caught my attention immediately is that you use some form of "I/my/me" in three of the four lines. This is called navel-gazing and it's really boring to read. I'm not that impressed so far. The poem shouldn't directly be about you, per se; you are the springboard to your emotions, your actions, the people around you. Look at "The Raven" by Poe -- we are very aware of who the narrator is, his struggles and his situation, but he never outright says, "Oh, I'm doomed, my life sucks, my girlfriend died, oh, and there was this raven, he said 'Nevermore' about fifteen times and then he flew out after I yelled at him and that's what happened.'

Too long, didn't read: it's not a rule, but it's a lot more interesting if you don't say things outright.

I travel the path.

Many footsteps pass,

giant walls rise;

slabs made of brass.

Very ambiguous and bland. Let's look at line one: what path? A concrete path? A dirt path? A forest path? Line 2: Footsteps of who? Ghosts? Your great aunts and uncles? Lines 3 and 4: You could show this a lot better. Is it like The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Disney? Do they emerge from the bowels of the earth randomly? Are you even on earth at all?

Too long, didn't read: Use similes (comparison with as or like) and metaphors (something is something else) and more vivid imagery to give your poem some oomph. It's really dry at the moment.

Trembling, I stand

at the castle door.

I think of my past,

my eyes fill with gore.

Errrrrrrrrgh. That's, quite frankly, a wreck of a stanza. I would just gut the second half and completely rewrite the rest.

The gates swing open

and evil eyes glow.

Diseased spirits gather,

looking for a show.

The only thing I don't like about this (I'm a fan of the whole spirits thing ) is the last line. It's really discombobulated from the rest of the stanza. You've got dark and sinister going, and then it sounds like the day at the circus. They're looking for the stripper's tent or the freakshow or, well, you get it. I'm not really sure how you can rewrite the last line, but you really should.

A great wind blows.

My hair stands on end.

Spirits rise and swirl;

there's nothing left to defend.

Again, ambiguous and boring. It sounds like you're tossing words out there just so you can reach your rhyme/meter requirement.
A lot of action is happening between the lines of this stanza, but you don't elaborate upon it enough to make me feel anything. Keep the essence of this stanza, but I think a general rewrite is in order.

The monster mutters

the final command,

and then I'm finished and gone.

Gone from this putrid land.

I...ah...no. If you do end up rewriting the previous stanzas, then this one will be the odd duck out and I think you'll find it to be very narrow and contrived. If you don't already now.

Here's what I would do. You have a lot of 'characters' in this poem (the "monster", the evil / diseased spirits with eyes, the footsteps), but there's not a lot of unity. You need to choose one of these elements and extend it to cover the poem. My first choice would be the monster king (he lives in a castle, he orders your head off, yeah, he sounds like a king!), how he called you to this place, how the spirits serve him, how putrid he is, how poisoned the land is. You know, that kind of thing. It might actually work out into a ballad. Consider it! It could be wonderful.

This is quite obviously a first draft because it just [s]sucks[/s] isn't that great. XD For this, I think you need to get outside your comfort zone and start experimenting with new styles. You'd be surprised at how good it makes you feel, really. Also, try reading some longer rhymed poetry. Frost, Poe, some of Shakespeare's more rhyme-y sonnets, some Yeats.

That's all from me. PM me if you have any questions or would like another critique.

~Sumi

EDIT: Evi: Harsh, but doesn't the rest of the review kind of say that? Besides, it's up to Princess to decide whether I'm attacking her person (no) or her poem (yes).

Princess! *brings out trumpet* You get my 100th review! I saw that this only had one little lonely review, and you're so awesome, so I had to give it to you. ^_^ Brace thyself.

Princess wrote:
My sin is great;
my soul is black.
My life expires.
There's no going back.

I travel the path.
Many footsteps pass, Going along with your rhyming scheme, 'path' and 'pass' shouldn't rhyme. Thing is, they do. You could change 'path' to 'road' so not to thow off your rhymes.
giant walls rise;
slabs made of brass.

Semi-colons are used to seperate two complete thoughts/sentences. Neither of these lines are complete, so you could use a comma. Or, even, a full colon if you wanted.

Trembling, I stand
at the castle door.
(As) I think of my past,
(and) my eyes fill with gore.

There either needs to be an 'As' at the beginning of the third line, or an 'and' in front of the 'my eyes' on the last line for this sentence to work. I know grammar isn't such a big thing in poetry, but it still adds up and can help give your poem a more polished feel.

The gates swing open
and evil eyes glow. Is there not a two-syllable word in the English language that's a bit more expressive than 'evil'? Surely there must be.
Diseased spirits gather,
looking for a show.

I wanted to read 'diseased' and 'deceased', but I guess that wouldn't make any sense, would it? It would border on repetitive, I guess. So, ignore me.

A great wind blows.
My hair stands on end. Aw, Em, I fully trust in your literary abilities that you can find a much better phrase than this. You have so much sheer terror and emotion to work with here-- show us at least a little of that. Is his/her hair the most important thing right now? No. It's the way their heart is threatening to explode, or the way they're paralyzed in horror at the fate that awaits them. You could have something so much more...powerful.
Spirits rise and swirl;
there's nothing left to defend.

The monster mutters
the final command,
and then I'm finished and gone.
Gone from this putrid land.

I'm a little torn here. I like the simplicity of your words; the short, slightly choppy style you use is effective to a point. However, eventually I'm having trouble staying interested in your poem because of these same simple words. Here and there, I think, you could spice things up by giving us something more than 'evil' or 'great'. Your word choice is so safe.

However! I really do like this. I think that it's an interesting moment in a person's life (death?) to capture and turn into a poem. Now, I'm not sure if you meant to do this (in fact, I'm almost positive you did this accidentally) but your poem gives off a very detatched feel. I like that part a lot. It's like watching a horror movie; you can see the ordeals, hear the screams, but your death day still seems far away. Watching someone else's horror.

This detatched style is something I happen to like in a short poem like this. I don't think I'd be able to read an entire novel or anything with these kind of words or this simple a plot, but it works in here.

Am I rambling?

The last stanza. I don't think it's terrible, but I do think it needs reworking-- and not in the way you meant it either. Think about your last two lines. After a monster mutters a command, the soul disappears. It might seem climatic and all, but really-- does it make sense?

You've already given the impression that the person has arrived in hell. If they are released or banished from hell, then that gives us the impression that they must have gone to heaven. But then, how did that happen? We thought this person's life was filled with 'gore', as you said?

So, you see, it would not make sense for the person to leave the land of the dead. They'd be leaving the place that, for an entire poem, you've been leading us to believe they've been condemned to. It's almost like a last-minute escape.

If, in fact, that is what you want, then you could add another one or two stanzas to show that. But I don't think that's what you aimed for, and I don't think expanding this is what you want.

Here an there you could rewrite a couple of lines to make it interesting, you know? Right now, while your meter is consistant and your rhyming works, the entire poem shouldn't be based around that. Your rhythym and rhyme should flow around your poem, not the other way around. They have to be balanced.

Ick! So, I hope that was helpful! Forgive me for my very opinionated self, and keep in mind that these are all simply suggestions. See you around, then?

~Evi

EDIT:

This is quite obviously a first draft because it just sucks. XD

Umm, Sumi? Harsh, much? I'm not sure how you can put a smiley face after that comment.

Princess, it does not suck. Do you hear me? It. Does. Not. Suck. I hate that word. It needs a good amount of work, yes, but it is not a hopeless cause that sucks.

Sorry, but it doesn't. I just wanted you to know that,

I liked it.

Honestly

Towards the end it sort of gave me an old english tale feel, which I think you may have been going for.

The piece itself was very enjoyable all through to the end, it was a bit more childlike yet macabre in that very sence.

The last few stanzas could have used a little bit of a tune up but otherwise it was pretty well put together.

Well done.

i hope to see more from you.

Keep it up!!

Late, love,
Eraqio J

Your majesty, June here.

Okie dokie! So. If I had found this poem without your username attached, I believe that I would be able to tell who wrote it.

You have defined your style, and that is basically what Sumi said, even if she hasn't actually said it. She said it's like your center poem, and this style gets boring?

But, it doesn't! This is your style, your creativity, your imagination, your way! And, it's part of who you are to write what comes to you. Well done, Princess.

However! Being the grammar, mechanics, punctuation freak I am, I have some issues, mwahahaha!

But hey. Being an English freak helps me to understand stuff that I am reviewing! Instead of reading it once, I have to read it twice, thrice, maybe fifteen times to understand it!

My sin is great,

my soul is black;

My life expires,

There's no going back.

Basically! I killed the punctuation that was lying in here and replaced it properly, dear . See, I am so harsh sometimes!

Also! What kind of pattern are you following with the capitals? Are you intending to capitalize them all, or leave some lowercase?

I travel the path,

Many footsteps pass;

giant walls rise,

slabs made of brass.

Slabs made of brass? Is this signifying gates or doors? Psh, Princess, elaborate!

Trembling, I stand,

at the castle door;

I think of my past,

my eyes fill with gore.

Erm... your eyes can't actually fill with gore, princess. You can behold a gory site... but your eyes filling with gore would... be... like... em... knives digging into your pupils, accompanied by bullets and other stuff, and then someone pouring acid into your eyeball as well...

... yeah

The gates swing open,

and evil eyes glow;

Diseased spirits gather,

looking for a show.

You're creepy!

A great wind blows,

My hair stands on end;

Spirits rise and swirl,

there's nothing left to defend.

Princess, pay attention to the punctuation pattern I am constantly using. It's this: Comma, semicolon; comma, period. Easy!

The monster mutters,

the final command;

and then I'm finished and gone,

[s]Gone[/s] from this putrid land.

To be honest, I quite like that last stanza, Princess, without the "gone" in the last line!


How creative of you! This is entirely princess like, although you've kind of got the role of a knight here. Oh well, maybe you're a princess who doesn't actually want to be a princess and instead goes out to serve along with the knights?


You did a really good job here, princess! Your rhyme was good; it was unique. And, the overall feel of the poem brought to mind medieval practices, ancient Europe... and... the minotaur. I don't know why! Don't blame me... it just... did.


Anywho! Keep it up Princess! I love your style!

June

Princess wrote:


Trembling, I stand
at the castle door.
I think of my past,
my eyes fill with gore.

I'm not sure I understand how your eyes could be filled with gore. Well, not unless someone had stabbed something into them and they were badly bleeding and gory looking. I don't think it's creating the mental image you are looking for. Having your eyes fill with gore would be a painful and grusome process. So yeah...

Princess wrote:The monster mutters
the final command,
and then I'm finished and gone.
Gone from this putrid land.

Get rid of the second 'gone' and this last stanze actually sounds really good.

So overall I honestly liked it. It was dark, creepy, and sort of twisted and I liked the feel of that as I read your poem. So keep up the good work.