Change

3 posts
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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 38
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Last edited by Erica on Wed Apr 28, 2010 9:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.
well behaved women rarley make history.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1212
Reviews 47
I like your style of poetry! your opinion shows in your poem a lot! i like it




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 19
Hi there! So here's my review;

Erica wrote:Some are afraid of it
some pray for it
We need it most
when times are hard
but the work it takes
scares us away


Most of the review will be along the lines of stanza length, flow and rhythm and then also typos and a little bit about puntuation, but I'm not very good at it myself so don't tend to give accurate advice. The last two lines of this stanza pretty much don't work that well - I think the word 'work' being that which ruins the flow. Also, watch out for those typos - I've placed in bold and corrected.

Erica wrote:Change
brings us together
tears us apart
brought to us by God
to show us what we are
and what we can become


I liked this stanza actually, it was pretty good. You got some sort of rhythm going and it was cocnsistent, so that's always good - just watch out for your typo's again. I think it would be wise to capitalise some of your beginning letters too - to make it look more professional.

Erica wrote:Change
for the worst
always turns for the better
Change
don’t try to hinder
bring it on


Line five in this stanza is pretty off with the rest of the stanza and the poem - I don't think it works very well. Perhaps 'hide' or 'deny' instead of 'hinder'? 'Bring it on' also doesn't fit into the poem amazingly - the rest seems somewhat regal whereas I class your phrase choice as quite informal.

Erica wrote:
Change
it will never sever
go on forever
Change


I didn't like your word choice for line two in this stanza - there rhyming and then there's cramming, which is what you've done here, I think. I liked line three though - I just think the line before should be re-thought.

I hope this helps!
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I feel like it will be absolute hotdog water, but oh well. It's just a draft.
— Charm