Question Chapter 1

This is a story i've been writing for a few months now, i've only really shown it to a few friends. This is just chapter 1. Be brutal, i honestly don't mind, the more i have to edit the better! Thank you for reading!

Question Chapter 1

I kept on running, running through the red corridor, there were no doors. I was running from something but I didn’t know what. I tried to push my legs to run further, but like any other dream they just slowed down. I heard a ringing noise; the thud of the floor woke me up. I groaned and then pulled myself up off of the floor, I had fallen off of my bed, and well this was new.

I dressed in half a daze, it was Friday already, and it felt like the week had gone by so fast. I ate my cereal while staring at the salt on the table, my parents were rambling about something on the news, and I decided to ignore them.

“Kelly? Can you hear me? EARTH TO KELLY?”

I looked up to see my dad waving his hands in the air like a baboon. I had been sitting on the sofa waiting for him to drink his tea, apparently he was done. We didn't speak in the car on the way to school, I just muttered a bye as I got out of the car.

I looked up at my school, it was my 5th year here, and I don’t think that I had ever been so reluctant to get to school as I was now. I walked to form and sat down at my usual place. Kathy and Eva were already there.

“So? This the big day?”

Kathy nearly jumped out of her seat with excitement. Eva looked at me in confusion. “What’s going on today?” I didn’t need this, I wasn’t even sure if I had the backbone to do it myself anyway.

“It’s nothing really... I’m just going to-“

“She’s going to ask Oliver out!” Shock spread across Eva’s face and then a warm smile replaced it.

“Hey Kelly, that’s so cute!”

“No, no it’s not like that!” I shot a death look at Kathy for letting it seem to be something it’s not. “I’m just going to ask if he’s busy after school to go to the library because I need some help with Trigonometry is all...” Eva and Kathy smiled in excitement. “Well, I still think its sweet, but I’m just shocked that Oliver hasn’t caught on yet, I mean the amount of times you’ve asked him for his help in math’s when you don’t actually need it, he must think you’re like failing math’s”

“Ha. Very funny. Well I’m not sure if I can really…”

“No! No you don’t. I’m sorry Kelly but you have to realize that you’re not boring and you’re not ugly, you have every chance of him saying yes, it’s not your fault he’s a bit dim to all the signals you’ve been giving him.”

I thought about that, Kathy was right, and if I didn’t do this now, when would I?

“Yeah you’re right, I can do this.”

Kathy and Eva smiled encouragingly at me.

“Hey don’t worry, if I sense anything going wrong, I’ll swoop in and save you” Kathy said kindly. Kathy sat behind me in maths, and Oliver sat in front. The bell rang and we got up and started walking to maths, Eva gave me an encouraging hug before she left us to go to her maths lesson. I pushed the door and walked towards my seat. This was fine, I could do this.

I got my pen and calculator out. I watched as he casually walked and sat in his seat. I heard Kathy clear her throat from behind me. I looked behind me and she gave me a look. I sighed and mouthed ‘fine’. Today we were going over Trig. I knew when to ask him. He sighed and dropped his pen on his desk. This was it, he had given up. Ms. Longley sat at her desk and I had my chance. There was light chatter in the classroom, just enough to hide any embarrassing moment as me getting rejected. Kathy cleared her throat again. I took a deep breath.

“Hey Oliver?”

He turned around and gave me a slight smile, what did that mean? I brushed the thought aside and took another breath.

“Well, um I’m going to the library today and I was wondering if you would revise Trig with me, seeing as we both don't seem to understand it, and um with our mock’s coming up and all...”

He gave me an awkward smile. He knew my reason behind it, of course he did, and he wasn’t stupid. Oh god, I was going to get rejected. This is humiliating. I wish the words had never come out. I looked down, took a deep breath and then looked back up at him.

“Oh, um... I’m sorry. I can't today, I’ve got plans.”

I smiled at him, but I just wished there was a hole in the ground that would swallow me whole.

“Yeah sure, no worries.”

He turned back around and I turned to face Kathy. She mouthed ‘I’m so sorry’. I just smiled and got on with the work. The hour lasted for what seemed like forever. Thankfully the day went by much quicker. We were walking out of the school gates when I saw them, Oliver and this other girl, they hugged and started walking. Kathy and Eva saw, and steered me away from them in the opposite direction, we walked a different way home. And the whole time Kathy and Eva wouldn’t stop about how I was better off. I just nodded and said yeah and OK every now and then.

I hugged Eva and Kathy bye when we were walking past Kathy’s house, Eva was going round Kathy’s for a bit. I put my earphones in and started listening to music. I turned the corner, the shortcut to my house, although the alleyway I was walking through now was a bit dodgy. I started walking up the hill to my house, it was already dark. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and took my earphones out. It was my mum.

“Hello?”

“Hi dear, I was just wondering when you’d be home?”

“I’ll be there in like 5 min-“

I was cut off mid sentence when a black cushion cover like thing went over my head and a hand covered my mouth, but not quickly enough for me to let out a good shrill scream. I felt someone grab my feet and lock their arms around my legs. Someone else grabbed my upper body, holding my arms down. I got thrown into something and heard the door slam behind me. All the while this happened; I heard my mum’s deafening voice shouting my name from my phone, which I only assumed I had dropped.

4 WEEKS LATER.

I felt hands roll me out of the truck, I fell onto moist grass. It was raining. I heard the car drive away. I turned and lay on my back, letting the rain wash over me; I hadn’t seen daylight in… I didn’t even know how long it had been. My wrists were tied together. I noticed that my ankles no longer were. I opened my eyes and then squinted, the light was bright compared to the dim bulb light I was so used to.

But my eyes soon adjusted and I looked around me. I was on the school field. The school was 300 meters away. I pushed myself up and started to slowly walk towards it. My eyes would flutter and threaten to close but I persevered and carried on walking. My bare feet felt the concrete before my mind could register it, my wrists were still stinging.

There were benches ahead of me, I stopped and sat down. My eyelids fluttered, I felt my body sway and then hit the bench. I saw someone bend down and look at me from a distance; they then started to run towards me.

“Kelly? Is that you? Oh my god. SOMEBODY, SOMEBODY I NEED HELP!”

He cupped my face and kept muttering something. He turned his head around and looked feverishly around him.

“Oh God. Damn it!.”

I heard a number being dialled but my eyes fluttered closed again.

“Hello? I need an Ambulance.”

I heard voices behind him, he must have handed the phone to someone else. I felt him prop me up and gently shake me. My eyes fluttered open and I then saw who it was. Oliver. He had tears streaming down his face. He let someone else hold me up as he took his jacket off and put it over me.
“Listen to me, you’ve got to stay awake, the ambulance is on its way.”
I felt myself sinking into darkness and my body fell forward.

Hellooo Armagan! I would love to edit this for you! LOL! And I am so glad you want people to be harsh! All though some have said I am worse than the devil with edits! Oh well. Here goes!

I kept on running, running through the red corridor, there were no doors, I was running from something but I didn’t know what.

This is quite a long sentence. You should probably put a period in there somewhere or reword it like this.
I was running though a red corridor, there were no doors. I was running from something but I didn't know what.
Just a thought there.

I had been sitting on the sofa waiting for him to drink his tea, apparently he was done. I muttered a bye to my dad as I got out of the car.

These sentences got me very confused. How can she be sitting on the sofa and in the car? Unless she can split in two of course. Very confusing.

Kathy nearly jumped out of her seat with excitement. Eva looked at me in confusion.

“What’s going on today?”

I didn’t need this, I wasn’t even sure if I had the backbone to do it myself anyway.

“It’s nothing really... I’m just going to-“

Ahh, you're making the same mistake I usually do. Normally, if you're talking about a character before, in the middle, or after she speaks, you put it into one sentence. For example:
Kathy nearly jumped out of her seat with excitement. This part is very good. Eva looked at me in confusion, keep it going... "What's going on today?" BINGO! All you need to do is that. Add a comma and start the dialogue. Starting with proper punctuation and a capital. See, simple as that.

No, no it’s not like that!” I shot a death look at Kathy for letting it seem to be something it’s not.

“I’m just going to ask if he’s busy after school to go to the library because he needed some help with Trigonometry is all...”

Hey! You did part of it here! Good job! But you started a new paragraph after that! Here's another example for you.
No, it's not like that!" Adding one more no sounds a little repetative, savvy? I shot a death look at Kathy for letting it seem to be something it's not, "I'm just going to ask if he's busy to go to the library after school. He always needs help after Trigonometry." Simple once again.

“Well, I still think its sweet, but I’m just shocked that boy hasn’t caught on yet, I mean the amount of times you’ve asked him for his help in math’s when you don’t actually need it, hang on, didn't you say he needed the help not you? You're mixing up the facts here. he must think you’re like failing math’s.

I think 'that boy' isn't the best to say. You might want to say 'Oliver'. And Math shouldn't have an apostrophe.

“Ha. Very funny. Well I’m not sure if I can really…”

“No! No you don’t. I’m sorry Kelly but you have to realize that you’re not boring and you’re not ugly, you have every chance of him saying yes, it’s not your fault he’s a bit dim to all the signals you’ve been giving him.”

I thought about that, she was right, and if I didn’t do this now, when would I?

“Yeah you’re right, I can do this.”

Kathy and Eva smiled encouragingly at me.

“Hey don’t worry, if I sense anything going wrong, I’ll swoop in and save you”

You might want to put in a Kelly said or Kathy said or I said, because it's hard to tell who's talking.

Ms Longley sat at her desk and I had my chance.

Ms. should have a period.

“Oh, err I’m sorry, I cant today, I’ve got plans.”

Can't needs an apostrophe, and I would use a different word that err. Try um or ah. Just because err sounds really weird.

I just nodded and said yeah and ok every now and then.

It's better to capitalize O and K, so it'd be OK.

I started walking up the hill to my house, it was already dark. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and took my earphones out.

How long does your school go if it's dark when you're getting to your house?

“Fuck.”

Oooo! Now we're getting naughty! I would probably use a different word, like shit, or damn it. Fuck is a little hard core. And if you still use that word, make sure to rate this R next time for really bad language. Even though you only use it once.

BRAVO!! If you read all of this, you made it through one of my edits! I really liked this story, I can't wait to read the rest!! Great job!! PM me if you need anything else or when you post the next bit!!

Lucy Pennykettle

Hi Armagan! I love your pic by the way Sorry it took me a while, instead of doing a lot of nitpicks I will try to focus more on overall stuff Gotta say though- this is really good!

I kept on running, running through the red corridor, there were no doors. I was running from something but I didn’t know what. I tried to push my legs to run further, but like any other dream they just slowed down. I heard a ringing noise; the thud of the floor woke me up. I groaned and then pulled myself up off of the floor, I had fallen off of my bed, and well this was new.

I'd separate 'there were no doors' with a dash instead of a comma as its kind of adding more detail as to why she's still running. I'd add a comma after dream as you naturally kind of pause there too. The dreams quite short- its well written but if there was more added to it it could be better

I dressed in half a daze. It was Friday already, and it felt like the week had gone by so fast. I ate my cereal while staring at the salt on the table. My parents were rambling about something on the news, and I decided to ignore them.

I'm not great at comma's and stuff but I think you have got some where they need to be full stops, I've written in bold where I THINK the full stops should be- but I'm not sure sorry I noticed it a couple of times through your work- I'll point it out where I can

I looked up at my school, it was my 5th year here, and I don’t think that I had ever been so reluctant to get to school as I was now. I walked to form and sat down at my usual place. Kathy and Eva were already there.

You could maybe add more detail about what the school looks like, it all goes by kind of quick so maybe you could add more of build up by describing her nervousness or not-wanting-to-go-to-school-ness (lol ) as she walks to form.

No, no it’s not like that!” I shot a death look at Kathy for letting it seem to be something it’s not.

Love that

Eva and Kathy smiled in excitement.

Grinned might be better than smiled.

he must think you’re like failing math’s”

need a full stop on the end.

“No! No you don’t. I’m sorry Kelly but you have to realize that you’re not boring and you’re not ugly, you have every chance of him saying yes, it’s not your fault he’s a bit dim to all the signals you’ve been giving him.”

After yes I would put a dash or a full stop to break up the sentence.

I thought about that, Kathy was right, and if I didn’t do this now, when would I?

I think 'I though about that' might be good as a sentence on its own

The bell rang and we got up and started walking to maths, Eva gave me an encouraging hug before she left us to go to her maths lesson.

I'd change the comma to a full stop.

I got my pen and calculator out. I watched as he casually walked and sat in his seat. I heard Kathy clear her throat from behind me. I looked behind me and she gave me a look. I sighed and mouthed ‘fine’. Today we were going over Trig. I knew when to ask him. He sighed and dropped his pen on his desk.

I'd join some of these sentences up so that they're not so short- like 'I got my pen and calculator out, watching as he casually walked and sat in his seat'. I'd maybe add an over after walked too.

We were walking out of the school gates when I saw them, Oliver and this other girl, they hugged and started walking.

After girl I think it needs to be a full stop or a dash.

Kathy and Eva saw, and steered me away from them in the opposite direction, we walked a different way home.

I'd maybe change 'we walked a different way home' to 'to walk a different way home' so it joins up more with the rest of the sentence.

I hugged Eva and Kathy bye when we were walking past Kathy’s house, Eva was going round Kathy’s for a bit.

I think the comma needs to be a dash or a full stop.

I was cut off mid sentence when a black cushion cover like thing went over my head and a hand covered my mouth, but not quickly enough for me to let out a good shrill scream. I felt someone grab my feet and lock their arms around my legs. Someone else grabbed my upper body, holding my arms down. I got thrown into something and heard the door slam behind me. All the while this happened; I heard my mum’s deafening voice shouting my name from my phone, which I only assumed I had dropped.

!

Really good paragraph! All I would maybe change would be 'black cushion cover like thing went over my head' to just 'black cushion cover pulled down over my head', as I think it sounds a bit more dramatic shorter and pulled might be a better word to use than went. Just a suggestion though

I felt hands roll me out of the truck, I fell onto moist grass.

I'd change the comma to and or separate it into two short sentences.

My wrists were tied together. I noticed that my ankles no longer were.

I'd change the full stop to a but with a comma before hand.

My eyes would flutter and threaten to close but I persevered and carried on walking. My bare feet felt the concrete before my mind could register it, my wrists were still stinging.

I'd say eyes 'started' to flutter as they are fluttering if you get what I mean, I'd add an and before 'my wrists were still stinging' to connect it to the rest of the sentence or put it as a separate sentence.

Really great ending to this part!


Arghhh sorry I kind of did end up doing nit-picks Ignore me if you think something else

I really liked your story, I like how you skip forward too- in some stories it wouldn't work but I think it does here. I'd maybe add more description to the events before the disappearance though- it goes by a bit quick and although well written by bulking it out a bit more and adding more details it would set the scene better.

It might be good to add some description in to the MC and her friends and Oliver too, just a bit in passing so there is a vague image in the readers mind when picturing the conversation between them.
You could add in more about the MC perhaps feeling sorry for herself and in that way describe how she looks. She could compare herself to Oliver (which I'd assume would be quite good looking ) and convince herself in her thoughts that she's not pretty enough for him or something.

I noticed that you used smiling quite a few times to describe the expressions of her and her friends- I'd replace some of them so its not repeated too much.

All these are just suggestions, I love the storyline! Look forward to reading more *star*