Death

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A low, deep growl emerged from my throat as I watched him. I could already taste him; his flesh in my mouth, his blood running down my throat, my teeth snapping his bones to pieces. I could tell that he knew I was there. He was frozen in his place. Sometimes, I wondered if he was even still breathing. It didn't look like it, but if he was, I would soon change that.

Moving extremely slowly, he turned slightly around. My growl grew into a snarl and eventually, as it got louder, it became a roar. He whipped fully around and his eyes were wide enough to roll out of their sockets. I stood from my crouched position. He backed up, then started to run. I gave him a little head start before bolting after him in hot pursuit. It was a short, easy chase.

With a murderous roar, I jumped onto his back. To my great amazement, he stayed standing, so I dug my knife-like claws into his shoulders. He screamed. An ear-splitting, blood-curdling scream. It pierced the otherwise silent night like my claws into his skin. Bearing my fangs, I injected them into the back of his throat. Blood sprayed me in the face as I ripped the skin off, exposing veins and muscle that I couldn't wait to devour in peace. I got a better grip on the middle of his neck and pulled my jaw up to the top of my mouth until I heard a crack. To him, it must have been sickening, but to me it was music. Just a beat in that beautiful song of death I had heard so many times.

Finally, he fell to the ground and managed to roll on his back after I let him go. He was still screaming. How, I didn't know, but his vocal cords were still functioning, one way or another. His blood melted the snow he now laid in, painting it red. I moved my face towards his, but he blocked me with his hands. He smeared his blood around my face. I pulled away slowly and he put his hands down. With a smug grin, I licked his blood off of my face. His eyes widened again and he continued to scream. He was too distracted by his shrieking and pain to realize that I had started moving in again.

My jaw locked onto one cheek and the top of my mouth came down onto the other. I was totally calm, although he kept on screaming. I brought my teeth together until I felt something shatter into little pieces. His jaw. The screams stopped. I grabbed his neck and tore out his Adam's Apple. Blood gushed out of the gaping hole that was now in the middle of his throat, courtesy of yours truly. I tore off his skin in ribbons, chewing every delectable strip, then dropping them in the snow to rot.

I lay down to savour my kill. It was the first warm meal I had eaten in a while. I left nothing behind but his eyes and brain for the buzzards. I looked myself over before I left. I might as well have been a red tiger, instead of orange, as the blood of the enemy now stained my coat. I dedicated my kill to all the tigers that had been killed by poachers all over the world. Damn poachers...
Last edited by RayneChild on Tue Mar 03, 2009 8:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...




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his hot blood running down my throat

"Hot" doesn't need to be in the sentence.

I knew he knew I was there.

The first "I knew" doesn't need to be in the sentence.

And if he was, I would soon change that.

"And is a conjunction. A conjunction can't start at the beginning of a sentence.

Blood sprayed me in the face as I ripped it off.

It sounds like you're saying the cat ripped the blood off.

I got a better grip on the middle of his neck and pulled my jaw up to the top of my mouth until I heard a crack.

Use another word besides "got."

He fell to the ground, finally

He finally fell to the ground sounds better.

The story is good. It's a little gruesome, but interesting. Keep on writing.
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
-Ernest Hemingway




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Hey =]

This was totally gory and not really my sort of story, but I enjoyed it none the less.

Nit-piks;

I knew he knew I was there. - This sounds awkward. Maybe re-phrase it. "I knew he was aware of my presence." or something.

He was frozen his place. -I'd add 'in' after 'frozen'

It didn't look like it. And if he was, I would soon change that. -I'd join these two sentences together.

Very, very slowly, he turned slightly around. - Instead of saying, 'very, very,' I'd use something like extremely or incredibly or just say very once.

became a roar. - I'd add 'it' before 'became'

I gave him a little head start, then I bolted after him in hot pursuit. - I'd change 'then I bolted' to 'before bolting' as you already used 'then' in the previous sentence.

With a murderous roar, I jumped on his back. - 'on' would sound better as 'onto'

Blood sprayed me in the face as I ripped it off. It exposed veins and muscle that I couldn't wait to eat in peace. - i'd join these two sentences together. "Blood sprayed me in the face as I ripped it off, exposing veins and muscle that I couldn't wait to eat in peace." -Maybe change 'eat' to something more powerful too. You could use 'devour' instead.

but to me, it was music. - get rid of the comma after 'me'

I heard so many times. - "I had heard so many times."

He fell to the ground, finally, and managed to roll on his back once I had let him go. - I'd rearrange the sentence. 'Finally he fell to the ground and once I had let him go, he rolled over onto his back.'

His blood melted the snow he now laid in, painting it red, watering the nearby plants. -I think this sentence would sound better if you got rid of, 'watering the nearby plants.'

I moved my face in, - I get what you mean here, but it sounds awkward.

off my face. - 'off of my face.'

He was too distracted by his screaming and pain to realize that I had started moving in again. - maybe use another word instead of 'screaming,' how about shrieking or screeching.

My jaw locked on one cheek and the top of my mouth came down on the other. - 'My jaw locked onto one cheek and the top of my mouth came down onto the other.'

bunch of little pieces. - I'd just write 'into pieces.'

The screams stopped. I grabbed his neck and tore out his Adam's Apple. - 'The screams stopped just as I grabbed his neck, tearing out his Adam's Apple.'

I tore off his skin in ribbons. I chewed every delectable strip, then dropped them in the snow to rot. - I'd join these two sentences together to make it flow easier. 'I tore off his skins in ribbons before chewing every delicate strip and dropping them onto the snow to rot.'

I laid down and savored my kill. - 'I lay down to savour my kill.'

I left nothing behind but his eyes and brain. I left those for the buzzards. 'I left nothing behind, but his eyes and brain for the buzzards.'

I might as well have been a red tiger, instead of orange. - I'd add a bit more description here, 'I might as well have been a red tiger instead of orange, for the blood of my victim that now stained my coat.' Something like that anyway lol :)

I dedicated my kill to all the tigers that had been killed by poachers all over the world. Damn poachers... - I like the last sentences as it provides a slight moral to the story and makes the reader think about all of the innocent animals being killed by poachers. Well that's what it made me think of anyway :D

Overall;
Like I said at the start, I don't really like gore, but I still managed to enjoy this piece. You must have done something right! :D My only other suggestion would be that you could have added more description in of the background and the sounds and smells too, to help set the scene and invoke the reader more. Also my comments are my opinions so you don't have to listen to them.

Great job!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Thanks so much for your reviews! I changed those for you to the best of my ability. If you have anything else, please let me know! I hope you enjoyed it, graphic as it may have been ;) Thanks again!

~Rayne
Singing: It's more than my forte; it's my fortissimo
---
They say "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."
Well, I think guns help. If you just stand there and yell BANG I don't think you're going to kill too many people...



Some people file their [tax] returns inside of a dead fish.
— John Oliver