Sitting in Nature

Let's sit here in nature and watch those
birds bash their heads against the trees.
Let’s make a nest in the sun
amongst the tall grasses
towering beyond our heads.
Pretend like everything that passes
doesn’t exist,
except me and you today.

Just for the record
the weather today is quite blissful
with occasional flurries of jealousy
no where near our forecast.

Sitting here in nature,
we'll make connections and assumptions
of the meaningless nothings
neighboring us.

We’ll fall asleep in a warm ambiance
and wake up only to wake up
all over again.
We’ll make sense out of something
that is plain disgusting
to everyone else
but not for us,
Because everything they fail to understand
we will breed our own meanings of.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if
inspiration was edible?
We’d swallow it slowly,
let it pass through our whole bodies.

Wouldn’t it would be wonderful
if we looked at what we passed by
instead of just where we’re headed at the time?

Disconnected from everything around
we’ll find the inspiration and perspective
to fabricate our own kind of day.
Getting something out of their colorless ways
right here,
sitting in nature
watching the bashing birds
in the silky sun bathed grasses.
Belonging to our own
separate,
unparalleled
world
Sitting here in nature.

Hi..and welcome! Casper here.....I'll review your work....




....what?















...ok, ok...

jadenex246 wrote:Let's sit here in nature and watch those
birds bash their heads against the trees. Here you have two verses, but at the end of the first and the beginning of the second these words don't work well together if you know what I mean.
Let’s make a nest in the sun Great!
amongst the tall grasses Grasses? Try trees...it fits better..or some other word...
towering beyond our heads.
Pretend like everything that passes
doesn’t exist,
except me and you today.

Just for the record:
the weather today is quite blissful
with occasional flurries of jealousy
no where near our forecast. Lol...I don't know what to say about this stanza...You changed atmosphere with it. It's different somehow...

Sitting here in nature,
we'll make connections and assumptions
of the meaningless nothings hehe...
neighboring us. ...and ? Too short for this concept you had so far...

We’ll fall asleep in a warm ambiance
and wake up only to wake up Absolutely no...change it. You can do that when you became famous writer and when no one understands your poetry but they pretend they do...hehe
[s]all over again.[/s]
We’ll make sense out of something ...or nothing?
that is plain disgusting ...hehe, said nothing already..
to everyone else
but not for us,
because everything they fail to understand
we will breed our own meanings of.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if
inspiration was edible?
We’d swallow it slowly,
let it pass through our whole bod[s]ies[/s]Y.

[s]Wouldn’t it would[/s] be wonderful
if we looked at what we passed by
instead of just where we’re headed at the time? Actually, you're practicing the "dark" philosophy now...Everything so far was like "us against others" and now you want "look at what you've passed". If you want to represent a brighter picture, you could write: "no matter what the past was, we're looking into future..." or sth like that.

Disconnected from everything around
we’ll find the inspiration and perspective
to fabricate our own kind of day.
Getting something out of their colorless ways
right here,
sitting in nature
watching the bashing birds
in the silky sun bathed grasses.
Belonging to our own
separate,
unparalleled iLike
world
Sitting here in nature.

This was nice...but...
-the rhythm was too sloppy. Maybe if you put a proper rhyme or rewrite in stanzas it will get better?
-you challenged good side and bad side to a fight and nobody won in your poem...
-this review exhausted me. Write shorter poems... :):)

Wow. Really beautiful and kind of bizarre in a lovely way. I want to be in this setting.

Let’s make a nest in the sun

amongst the tall grasses

towering beyond our heads.

I think it should be "towering above."

Just for the record

the weather today is quite blissful

with occasional flurries of jealousy

no where near our forecast.

I loveeeeee this. "No where" should be nowhere.

Sitting here in nature,

we'll make connections and assumptions

of the meaningless nothings

neighboring us.

I don't think "of" is the right prepositions. People make connections between and assumptions about, right? Also, I think "neighbouring us" is kind of an awkward phrase and beside us or around us would make more sense.

We’ll fall asleep in a warm ambiance

and wake up only to wake up

all over again

I like the sound of this, but I don't get it!

Because everything they fail to understand

we will breed our own meanings of.

Can I give a suggestion of how I would rewrite this?
"Because we will breed our own meanings for
Everything they fail to understand."
I think this makes more sense.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if

inspiration was edible?

We’d swallow it slowly,

let it pass through our whole bodies.


Wouldn’t it would be wonderful

if we looked at what we passed by

instead of just where we’re headed at the time?

"Was" should be were in the first stanza. Also, in the second stanza here you put the "if" on the second line & in the first stanza you put it on the first line. I think it would be better if this were consistent.

in the silky sun bathed grasses.

Belonging to our own

separate,

unparalleled

world

Sitting here in nature.

I think "sun bathed" should be hypenated. And I don't like the last line. I would cut it all together or make it just "Here in nature."

So that whole looong crit was pretty much just grammar. I don't have a problem with your structure or ideas or flow or anything. This piece is just really good.

Remember to review 2 pieces for each one of your own that you put up. It really helps me to catch mistakes in my own writing.

Bravo! Gold star!
rachel

Hi, and welcome!

First off, I really like this poem. I was daydreaming about something like this just this morning, as I walked along concrete pavements in the misty drizzle, wishing I could feel the wet grass sticking to my feet. I love the idea, and I think you do an excellent job of conveying it. I particularly love the first two stanzas. I'm not sure about the line "Just for the record", though; I don't think you need to break the flow that much so close to the beginning.

I also think it's a little too long. Maybe you could cut some of the more abstract stanzas? That might give it a more unified feel. Right now it seems to wander a bit, which I suppose matches the atmosphere, but I think it would be nicer if it were short and sweet as opposed to long and rambling.

Anyway, great job with this, I think you've really got something here. Keep writing!

BFG

I love the kind of disjointed yet orderly feel the whole piece just gave me from start till finish.

Very well done!!

I'm a fan of breaking from the norm and huge imaginations as well as descriptiveness and I just love this work.

Everything seemed to just wonder at itself, a detached sence from everything except the here and now and the close and dear.

very good!

the pacing, the lines, everything met whatever insane standards I put for anything.

Keep it up!

Late, Love,
Eraqio J

Hi there! I'm June, and I am going to review this for you .

First off, poems about nature always win me over, even if they're not written well. *squee!* This is perfect! It's well written, and it's about nature.

Seeing that people above me have touched on the errors, I won't .

The abstractness of the entire poem is just brilliant. It's making us feel like we're there; we can visualize the settings perfectly.

Also! I love how it's written in the imaginative sense, almost as if it is coming from the mind of a youthful child. It's none of that whole, bring destroying the earth stuff, blah, it's more of just enjoying what we have of it now.

Overall, it's beautiful. The description, the visualization-- everything in this just fell together perfectly.

June