Lock Down- part 1

Kyrstin stood with her back against the brick wall. Her eyes closed as the sun shined on her tan skin as she waited for the first bell to ring.

She stood with a group friends in the common area just outside the school, as they talked amongst themselves. Kyrstin listened to them intently trying not to spew her breakfast everywhere. One of her friends, Milo, turned and asked, "Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine," she lied not opening her eyes. She felt horrible. She could tell she had a fever by the cool clamminess of her hands and face. She could tell she may not be able to make it through the day as the world spun around her if she moved to quickly.

Milo approached her as the bell rang. The sound of the "God damn" bell buzzed inside her skull causing her to stumble. Milo looped one arm under Kyrstin's shoulder and guided her to her classroom.

As they entered the classroom, their teacher, who had just been lecturing the class, stopped mid-sentence as Milo guided the stumbling Kyrstin to her seat.

She sat down and almost automatically lost hold of consciousness.

Kyrstin awoke from her murky state, an unknown amount of time later in the nurse's office. She sat up and saw the nurse sitting at her desk filling out th various papers that lay scattered on her desk.

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" she asked as Kyrstin sat up.

"Better," Kyrstin replied.

"You may go back to class then if you are feeling better."

"Thanks," said Kyrstin as she walked down the long corridor.

Kyrstin stood against the firm brick wall.

"Firm" doesn't need to be in the sentence.

The sun rained down on her as she waited for the first bell to ring.

"Rained" doesn't fit in the sentence.

She could tell she may not be able to make it through the day as the world spun around her if she moved to quickly.

The last part of the sentence isn't needed. It is already assumed by the readers.

The sound of the "God damn" bell buzzed inside her skull causing her to stumble somewhat.

"Somewhat" doesn't need to be in the sentence.

As they entered the classroom, their teacher who had just been lecturing the class, stopped mid-sentence as Milo guided the stumbling Kyrstin to her seat.

There should be a comma after "teacher."

She sat down had almost automatically lost hold of consciousness.

You left a word out of the sentence.

She sat up and saw the nurse sitting at her desk filling out th various papers that lay scattered on her desk.

It's "the" not "th."

Your story is pretty good. It describes the setting and the character's feelings well. Keep on writing.

Short enough for me to rip apart... Sorry, but this may be harsh.

Kyrstin stood against the firm brick wall. The sun rained down on her as she waited for the first bell to ring.

(Character description necessary. Adjective on brick wall unnecessary. Setting needs desc.)

She stood with a group friends as they talked amongst themselves. Kyrstin watched them intently trying not to spew her breakfast everywhere. One of her friends, Milo, turned and asked, "Are you feeling alright?"

(Milo needs desc. Setting neglected. Unknown why she feels sick, deal with this first not second.)

"I'm fine," she lied. She felt horrible. She could tell she had a fever by the cool clamminess of her hands and face. She could tell she may not be able to make it through the day as the world spun around her if she moved to quickly.

(She shouldn't be in school. And its impossible to hide that sickness.)

Milo approached her as the bell rang. The sound of the "God damn" bell buzzed inside her skull causing her to stumble somewhat. Milo looped one arm under Kyrstin's shoulder and guided her to her classroom.

(Lose the " " 's.)

As they entered the classroom, their teacher who had just been lecturing the class, stopped mid-sentence as Milo guided the stumbling Kyrstin to her seat.

(Elaborate.)

She sat down had almost automatically lost hold of consciousness.

(Too short.)

Kyrstin awoke from her murky state, an unknown amount of time later in the nurse's office. She sat up and saw the nurse sitting at her desk filling out th various papers that lay scattered on her desk.

('the various'. Too short. Need descs.)

"How are you feeling, sweetie?" she asked as Kyrstin sat up.

"Better," Kyrstin replied.

"You may go back to class then if you are feeling better."

"Thanks," said Kyrstin as she walked down the long corridor.

(Lame.)

Alright, I hate to say it, but did you even try? If this is a storybook it doesn't belong here, and you have given no guidelines or anything for it to be a real storybook. Your writing is too vague, awkward and undeveloped. We need settings, descriptions and plausible events. Characters are impossible to relate to with this piece. Nothing is done and this sounds like an outline rather then an actual piece.

Eliza's review called this good, I think it is terrible and I will not promote any delusions. It needs to be completely rewritten and expanded upon and given meaning. You have a very long way to go and be very careful of fluffy 'everything is good' reviews, which is far from accurate. You are writing on an 8th grade level I guess, but you can do far better if you study writing and revise this piece by fleshing it out.

Kyrstin stood against the [s]firm[/s] brick wall. The sun rained down on her as she waited for the first bell to ring. [Choose a different word for 'rained' since we're talking about a sunny day here!]


She stood with a group of her friends as they talked amongst themselves. Kyrstin watched them intently, trying not to spew her breakfast everywhere. One of her friends, Milo, turned and asked, "Are you feeling alright?"


"I'm fine," she lied. She felt horrible. She could tell she had a fever by the cool clamminess of her hands and face. She could tell she may not be able to make it through the day [s]as[/s] since the world spun around her if when she moved to quickly.


Milo approached her as the bell rang. The sound of the [s]"[/s]God damn[s]"[/s] bell buzzed inside her skull causing her to stumble [s]somewhat.[/s] Milo looped one arm under Kyrstin's shoulder and guided her to her classroom.


As they entered the classroom, their teacher who had just been lecturing the class, stopped mid-sentence as Milo guided the stumbling Kyrstin to her seat.


She sat down [s]had[/s] and almost automatically lost hold of her consciousness.


Kyrstin awoke from her murky state, an unknown amount of time later in the nurse's office. She sat up and saw the nurse sitting at her desk filling out the various papers that lay scattered on her desk.


"How are you feeling, sweetie?" she asked as Kyrstin sat up.


"Better," Kyrstin replied.


"You may go back to class then if you are feeling better."


"Thanks," said Kyrstin as she walked down the long corridor.

[b]{OVERALL IMPRESSIONS}
So I understand that you've written a storybook about this and all, but I think you could've gone into more depth. Was this supposed to be a post, or was this storybook you made also based upon an idea you had?

Secondly, you had a few gramatical and spelling errors. It was pretty good though.

I can see this going some where but I think you'll need to try harder and go into more depth, and not just make a tiny post like this. I think that your writing is good, but you just need to sit down and get the ideas straight.

The one thing, though, that really irked me was that it was so vague. The girl's feeling sick ... okay ...? You should've done something that made the reader wanting more. Something that will make the reader come back to this.

Overall ... it was okay.

Thanks! Good luck with writing!

Hi there Archer,

While I'm not going to rave about how brilliant this was, I will indeed attempt to provide some tips that I hope will help you improve it.

I'm not going to nitpick you, because I hope that after you've read this review, you will go back, and rewrite this, or perhaps even something different using the tips that I give you.

The first fundamental flaw that I see in your piece is its clumsy writing style. Now, I do not deny that you describe certain things fairly well, but my point is that they are the wrong things. Sophisticated description is wonderful, but it should be used to describe only things that are important to describe. I'll give you an example:

Kyrstin stood against the firm brick wall. The sun rained down

In the above quote you have described a brick wall which has nothing to do with the plot as being firm, while you have neglected to describe Kyrstin, who incidentally would be a far more suitable subject for your description in this case. You then go on to describe the sun, rather than describing her mannerisms while waiting for the bell to ring.

The second thing that I notice is a not-to-exciting subject matter. While I don't really believe that it is always necessary to have an out-and-out exciting subject matter, think of how much more you could have done with the same subject matter told from the teacher's perspective. Or maybe it would have been even better to tell it from one of the more unfriendly students in the class's perspective. You miss out on a whole chunk of the story, and we don't even sympathize with your character as we don't know her well enough to yet. In fact, you're denying us the opportunity to get to know her by leaving a whole blank patch out of the story.

Thirdly, a couple of your sentences are clumsily structured. This only improves with reading, and practice at writing.

Your dialogue is also abrupt and uninformative. More time should be spent on choosing dialogue that contributes to understanding the characters, and everything else should be narrated.

I really hope that this review has helped you understand what you can improve in your story. Never stop writing. The more you write the better you get.

Have a good one!

Okay I made some corrections. I don't know if I got them all.


Please let me know if I need to make more or just add on.


What can I do to make this better?


I will give you credit at the begining before I start the story. For anyone who wants to help.


Do you like it so far? What don't you like about it?

I would appreciate it if you check you the storybook.


*Archer*