Falling into new depths

and what feels like eternity will be discarded
when no more timetables are issued and no
more forced words are written; light winds
will blow away cut hair and the calendars will
die in recycling bins, when I take one look
back through the pages of my diary and
wonder what could have been.

because circles go on forever and hearts
only beat for a short lifetime; and maybe
one pen will only make a small ink blotch
but it will be seen by a million others
who want to learn how to write.

Ahhh... so many different metaphors... But they're so nice...

First stanza: mmmywahh--it was so emo I almost choked.
Second stanza: it was so beautiful I almost died.
Third stanza: so heart breaking I think I did die.

Overall, even though the first stanza was a little too emo for me, I loved this poem because I could relate to it so well.

Yeh...I should probably delete or totally reword the first stanza...

Thanks for commenting.

Jack,

First Stanza:
This is chopped up, mediocre prose with just about every beginner's mistake in the book - a feeble attempt to draw a grand moral from a weak metaphor. The enjambment is weak and hedgy, as well.

Second Stanza:
This stanza is much better in comparison to the first; however, it opens and ends weak. 'What feels like eternity' is nothing new, and the way it forced my mind to finishing your sentence is arguably negative. The ending is simply too abstract. I can neither connect it with the beginning of the second stanza or the first -- you feel regret, sure, but about what? --, so if there was a connector in there, I didn't catch it, which is your fault with bad enjambment, again.

Third Stanza:
When did you become a moralist?...Anyway, this stanza is, again, hard to understand.

Overall, Jack, I like the idea, but you portrayed it in cliches -- cliches of the worst kind: abstraction. While reading it, I get a sense of regret/remorse for love, the end of time, and vague ideas that I could connect, but without your help I feel like I am looking at a Jackson Pollock painting. I suggest you trash this, keep the idea, and wait a few weeks before a re-write. This feels like a first-draft.

Anyway, keep writing; you've got a lot of good ideas, but sometimes our articulative skills need work.

Regards,
Brad

Of course it's a first draft...have I never mentioned have I never rewrite anything? I'm lazy. Anyway, you can just tell me what's wrong with it first, and then I can change it. Anything else would require thought.

Thanks.