I really liked this. Especially the opening line. The title caught my attention, especially since we're getting ready to read Romeo and Juliet in my English class.
You write wonderfully, but when you started bringing in the dialogue, it just felt slow and rehearsed. Like the mother wasn't really the mother and the daughter wasn't the daughter. It was like this was a stage and they were the actors in a commercial, promoting Shakespeare.
It just doesn't seem real to me, and why would she be talking so much if her throat hurts? Think about it.
Well, I can't see where this is going which can be a good thing sometimes. Your character's voice is enjoyable so I will continue to read.
Keep writing and PM me if you post more,
~Angel
Last edited by Angel of Death on Tue Mar 03, 2009 1:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.
Tone: I loved the sarcastic voice of your MC here. You introduce high-school and the general theme for the piece very nicely within a handful of paragraphs. And you've managed to put in your character's name in an unusual way without resorting to dialogue to give your MC a name.
Dialogue: I agree with Angels about the rehearsed nature of the dialogue. Really shorten your lines and make them sound like somebody with a sore throat is saying them. Body/head movements are a good substitute when working with a sore throat.
Your tags are pretty good, but there was one little bit I didn't like:
“Yeah, the king poisons his brother, a girl drowns herself, the queen is poisoned by her husband, and Hamlet and another guy poison themselves.” I look at her and she adds, “Sorta.”
Here, it's unclear who's speaking because the tag isn't talking about the mom until the end.
Overall: I like your style here. Keep it up, and let me know when there is more!
If you have any questions, PM me.
~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo
Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
