Another Sunset Chapter One Part Three

I hugged myself as I walked to my house. It had gotten colder. I kept walking thinking about the days events.
When I walked in my door my mom was sitting on the couch, "There you are! I was worried," she exclaimed.
I didn't respond and just continued to my bedroom. My mom and mines relationship was strong we could usually talk about anything, but now I didn't feel like it. My dad died while my mom was pregnant with me so I never met him. She was depressed for awhile but is much better now. She doesn't date and doesn't want to. Her and my dad were supposedly in "passionate love", according to Jessica.
My mom walked into my room as I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. "What's wrong?" She asked and sat down beside me.
"Nothing," I muttered.
She stroked my hair, "Dakota..." she pleaded.
I sighed, "Luke's mom committed suicide."
She gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. "Really?"
I nodded, "He's really upset."
"Must be," she replied. "How's he coping?"
"I don't know he's really...confused, angry and sad all at the same time."
"Poor kid," she whispered. "I feel terrible. How did it happen?"
"I can't tell you what I don't know," I told her. "I didn't really want to ask."
"I understand," my mom sighed. "I didn't expect this out of his mother though, Margaret seemed like such a happy person."
"I guess not," was all I could say. I sighed heavily and crossed my arms over my chest, "I feel so bad for him and I don't know how to help."
"I don't think you can help right now, it's something he just has to deal with. It may take time but you'll have to be patient. Over the next few days, or weeks, he might not be the same." My mom was a therapist so I trusted her.
I groaned and rolled over in my bed. "I'll just stay low key until he's over it," I suggested.
"I think he would want you to talk to him. You're best friends, you could probably help him through this somehow. If you tried."
"I don't think I can," I sighed.
She stroked my hair, "You can." She turned and walked out of the room. I placed my face into my pillow. I was confused, I wasn't experienced with helping people deal with something so traumatic. I wondered if Luke found his mom or if somebody else did. Maybe he just needed time. I suddenly felt a tear slide down my cheek, I hadn't realized I was crying. I didn't want to cry. I shouldn't be crying. I felt bad, terrible. Things like this weren't supposed to happen to good, young people. He was my age, thirteen. What would I do without my mom? I flopped back onto my back. "Life sucks," I muttered.
I didn't want Luke to leave, but I didn't want him to be unhappy. It was selfish of me to want him here if it didn't make him happy.
I looked over at my clock, I was shocked at how long I had spent with Luke, it was already nine at night and I was exhausted.
I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and walked over to my dresser. I grabbed my plaid pajama pants and a white T-Shirt. I stuck them on and flopped onto my messy bed. I pressed my palms to my eyes and drew in a deep breath.
I walked over to my desk and sat down. I grabbed my notebook and started drawing. Drawing was a passion of mine, got my thoughts off my chest. I started drawing random bubble letters, I didn't even know what I was spelling out but my hand did. It was a very plain drawing. Around the letters I drew moons, stars, and teardrops. It was all so random and I didn't even understand what I was drawing anymore. I finished and stared at the letters, BREAKDOWN, it read. I placed it on the desk and started contemplating why my mind would tell me to write something like this. I jumped when I heard my ring tone.
I stumbled over to my night side table and started opening drawers until I found my old, useless cell phone. "Hello?" I whispered. My mom would get mad if I were talking on the phone now.
"Dakota?" A soft voice asked.
I exhaled deeply when I realized it was Luke. If it were anybody else I probably would've hung up on them. I didn't really want to talk. "Yeah?" I asked. "What's wrong?"
"I can't sleep," he whispered. "I'm sitting on this bed, alone and confused. Everyone I know just keeps calling me. I-I just need time and they won't give it a rest. They keep calling saying, 'Sorry about your mom.' I can't take it anymore!" He babbled.
"How do they even know?" I questioned and looked towards the doorway, hoping my mom was sleeping already.
"Turn on the news," he moaned.
I padded into my living room and plopped down on the tan, leather couch. I flipped on the TV and stared at the picture on the screen. A news anchor had a stern look on her frail face. "A woman, Margaret Owens has committed suicide in her home this morning. The police are sure it isn't a homicide, no word on why the woman has done this. She has one child, age thirteen and a husband who isn't the child's father. No word on how the child is dealing with this. A memorial for Margaret is scheduled for this weekend. Our condolences are sent to..." She paused and looked down at the paper on her desk. "Luke Maine and Mark Owens." I turned the TV off. Luke was still on the line, "Why is it on the news?" I murmured.
"I don't even know, Mark probably just wanted publicity or something," he spat.
"Why do you think that?" I asked.
"Well, his car company isn't doing so hot and maybe he thinks people will buy cars from the poor guy who's wife died and now has to take care of his stepson."
I sighed, "I'm sure that isn't it."
"Then what do you think?" He questioned bitterly.
"I don't know," I muttered.
He exhaled deeply, "OK, well, I'm going to go now."
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah," he assured me. "I don't know if I'm going to school Monday so, I don't know when I'll see you."
"Okay, I'll miss you," I replied.
'Yeah, I'll miss you too," I heard the dial tone and turned off the phone. I didn't want things to change, I wanted things to be the same. I guessed that this was just growing up.
I didn't think something like someone's mom dying would get to me so much. But it did and who was I kidding?

Hey =]

I'm back again! Thanks for the PM.

Nit-piks first;

I kept walking thinking about the days events. - i'd add a comma after 'walking.'

When I walked in my door my mom was sitting on the couch, - "When I walked through the door, I noticed my mom sitting on the couch." - would sound better.

My mom and mines relationship was strong we could usually talk about anything, but now I didn't feel like it. - 'My mom and mines' sound awkward. "Mine and mom's relationship was strong and we could usually talk about anything, but now I didn't feel like it."

My dad died while my mom was pregnant with me so I never met him. She was depressed for awhile but is much better now. She doesn't date and doesn't want to. - I like how you added in some background information so we get to know more about your MC's life

"I didn't expect this out of his mother though - 'I didn't expect this from his mother though,' would sound better.

I was confused, - I'd change the comma to a full stop.

I wondered if Luke found his mom - I'd add 'had' after 'Luke'

I looked over at my clock, I was shocked at how long I had spent with Luke, it was already nine at night and I was exhausted. - I'd re-word this. "I looked over at my clock and was shocked at how long I had spent with Luke. It was already nine at night. No wonder I was exhausted."

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and walked over to my dresser. I grabbed my plaid pajama pants and a white T-Shirt. I stuck them on and flopped onto my messy bed. I pressed my palms to my eyes and drew in a deep breath.
I walked over to my desk and sat down. I grabbed my notebook and started drawing. - This section seems really robotic and the transition from her lying on her bed to her going to her desk is really short and sharp. I'd try adding in some more description, maybe say how she couldn't get to sleep or couldn't relax so that's why she decided to go to her desk.

Drawing was a passion of mine, got my thoughts off my chest. - Nice fact about the MC

My mom would get mad if I were talking on the phone now. - I'd add 'she knew' after 'if'

"OK, well, I'm going to go now." - 'OK' would look better written as 'okay'

"I don't know if I'm going to school Monday so, I don't know when I'll see you." - I'd put the comma before 'so' instead of after it.

Overall;
I enjoyed this piece and am glad you added a bit more information about your MC - she's finally becoming 3D =]

Can you please PM me again when you post the next part?

xDudettex

Hi... Here I am, as requested!

I hugged myself as I walked to my house. It had gotten colder. I kept walking thinking about the days events.

When I walked in my door my mom was sitting on the couch, "There you are! I was worried," she exclaimed.

I didn't respond and just continued to my bedroom. My mom and mines relationship was strong we could usually talk about anything, but now I didn't feel like it. My dad died while my mom was pregnant [s]with me[/s][,] so I never met him. She was depressed for [s]awhile[/s]a while but [s]is [/s]she's much better now. She doesn't date[,] and doesn't want to. [s]Her and my dad [/s]were supposedly in "passionate love", according to Jessica.

My mom walked into my room as I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. "What's wrong?" She asked and sat down beside me.

"Nothing," I muttered.

She stroked my hair, "Dakota..." she pleaded.

I sighed, I was really reluctant, but not telling would deny my means of trust and communication with my mum."Luke's mom committed suicide."

She gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. "Really?" Her voice was sympathetic, mimiking mine previously that day.

I nodded, "He's really upset."

"Must be," she replied. "How's he coping?"

"I don't know he's really...confused, angry and sad all at the same time." My voice broke during my last words, it was terrible to loose a friend like this. It would be even harder for him, losing a miother.

"Poor kid," she whispered. "I feel terrible. How did it happen?"

"I can't tell you what I don't know," I told her. "I didn't really want to ask."

"I understand," my mom sighed. "I didn't expect this out of his mother though, Margaret seemed like such a happy person."

"I guess not," was all I could say. I sighed heavily and crossed my arms over my chest, "I feel so bad for him and I don't know how to help."

"I don't think you can help right now, it's something he just has to deal with. It may take time but you'll have to be patient. Over the next few days, or weeks, he might not be the same." My mom was a therapist so I trusted her.

I groaned and rolled over in my bed. "I'll just stay low key until he's over it," I suggested.

"I think he would want you to talk to him. You're best friends, you could probably help him through this somehow. If you tried."

"I don't think I can," I sighed.

She stroked my hair, "You can." She turned and walked out of the room. I placed my face into my pillow. I was confused, I wasn't experienced with helping people deal with something so traumatic. I wondered if Luke found his mom or if somebody else did. Maybe he just needed time. I suddenly felt a tear slide down my cheek, I hadn't realized I was crying. I didn't want to cry. I shouldn't be crying. I felt bad, terrible. Things like this weren't supposed to happen to good, young people. He was my age, thirteen. What would I do without my mom? I flopped back onto my back. "Life sucks," I muttered.

I didn't want Luke to leave, but I didn't want him to be unhappy. It was selfish of me to want him here if it didn't make him happy.

I looked over at my clock, [s]I [/s]and was shocked at how long I had spent with Luke, it was already nine at night and I was exhausted. [She was with Luke? I thought she was just thinking about him ]

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and walked over to my dresser. I grabbed my plaid pajama pants and a white T-Shirt. I stuck them on and flopped onto my messy bed. I pressed my palms to my eyes and drew in a deep breath. [I, I, I... That's what everything starts with. Try to mix up your sentence starters.]

I walked over to my desk and sat down. I grabbed my notebook and started drawing.[STOP IT!] Drawing was a passion of mine, it got my thoughts off my chest. I started drawing random bubble letters, I didn't even know what I was spelling out[,] but my hand did. It was a very plain drawing. Around the letters I drew moons, stars, and teardrops. It was all so random and I didn't even understand what I was drawing anymore. I finished and stared at the letters[s],[/s][full stop] BREAKDOWN, it read. I placed it on the desk and started contemplating why my mind would tell me to write something like this. I jumped when I heard my ring tone.

I stumbled over to my night side table and started opening drawers until I found my old, useless cell phone. "Hello?" I whispered. My mom would get mad if I were talking on the phone now.

"Dakota?" A soft voice asked.

I exhaled deeply when I realized it was Luke. If it were anybody else I probably would've hung up on them. I didn't really want to talk. "Yeah?" I asked. "What's wrong?"

"I can't sleep," he whispered. "I'm sitting on this bed, alone and confused. Everyone I know just keeps calling me. I-I just need time and they won't give it a rest. They keep calling saying, 'Sorry about your mom.' I can't take it anymore!" He babbled.

"How do they even know?" I questioned and looked towards the doorway, hoping my mom was sleeping already.

"Turn on the news," he moaned.

I padded into my living room and plopped down on the tan, leather couch. I flipped on the TV and stared at the picture on the screen. A news anchor had a stern look on her frail face. "A woman, Margaret Owens has committed suicide in her home this morning. The police are sure it isn't a homicide, no word on why the woman has done this. She has one child, age thirteen and a husband who isn't the child's father. No word on how the child is dealing with this.[The child... would they keep on bringing it up like this? I won't even mention the fact that she wouldn't have turned on the TV exactly as the news report started.] A memorial for Margaret is scheduled for this weekend. Our condolences are sent to..." She paused and looked down at the paper on her desk. "Luke Maine and Mark Owens." I turned the TV off. Luke was still on the line, "Why is it on the news?" I murmured. [ I was just thinking that!]

"I don't even know, Mark probably just wanted publicity or something," he spat.

"Why do you think that?" I asked.

"Well, his car company isn't doing so hot and maybe he thinks people will buy cars from the poor guy who's wife died and now has to take care of his stepson."

I sighed, "I'm sure that isn't it."

"Then what do you think?" He questioned bitterly.

"I don't know," I muttered.

He exhaled deeply, "OK, well, I'm [s]going to[/s]gonna go now."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah," he assured me. "I don't know if I'm going to school Monday so, I don't know when I'll see you."

"Okay, I'll miss you," I replied.

'Yeah, I'll miss you too," I heard the dial tone and turned off the phone. I didn't want things to change, I wanted things to be the same. I guessed that this was just growing up.

I didn't think something like someone's mom dying would get to me so much. But it did[,] and who was I kidding?


Okay... this was a very short chapter, so I can't say much about it.
It was good, Really. You used the right amount of description in the right place.
I didn't find myself lost at all, and that was good seeing as I hadn't read the last chapters.
Your emotion was good. It was like I was watching the internal battle that was going on inside Dakota. Nice work.
You could make this chapter a bit longer, to me it seemed short. You don't want to have a book 50 chapters, but only 100 pages long.
(Oh right: I just checked the title, part 3!)
Really, I couldn't find anything bad with it, just some nit-picks about grammar here and there. Keep up the good work!

Hi! I skimmed over the other chapters and I think you have a great story here, the way you have managed to show not only the emotions of the boy whose mother died but also the main character has been really well done! I haven't read all the other comments so sorry if I repeat what has already been said, a lot of my comments are just opinion so ignore them if you think something else

I hugged myself as I walked to my house. It had gotten colder. I kept walking thinking about the days events.
When I walked in my door my mom was sitting on the couch, "There you are! I was worried," she exclaimed.

You say walked or walking three times here- I'd change one or two of them so it doesn't sound repetitive, it doesn't have to be anything too descriptive, even just 'moving' might work I think you could extend a bit more on 'thinking about the days events' to show a bit more emotion- for instance, something like 'my mind running over and over the days events'.

My mom and mines relationship was strong we could usually talk about anything, but now I didn't feel like it.

You need an 'and' or comma after strong. I think this could be rephrased to read a bit better- I think dudette had a good example there

My mom walked into my room as I lay on my bed, staring at the ceiling. "What's wrong?" She asked and sat down beside me.

I'd rephrase the last sentence to 'she asked, sitting down beside me.' You've used walked to describe her mom's entrance again- I think you could say something else, maybe mentioning her mom knocking on the door and peering at Dakota.

I sighed, "Luke's mom committed suicide."

"I understand," my mom sighed.

I sighed heavily and crossed my arms over my chest

"I don't think I can," I sighed.

There's a lot of sighing going on here! I'd change one or two of the actions to something else- maybe something about how their expressions look would be good here too.

She stroked my hair, "You can." She turned and walked out of the room. I placed my face into my pillow.

Her mum leaving comes across a bit abruptly- I'd add a little more detail to it. Maybe the bed moved as she stood up and Dakota could hear the sound of the door shutting behind her- things like that.

I wouldn't really say placed here- it gives the kind of impression of delicateness where I don't think there would be. Buried/hid/pressed might work better.

I was confused, I wasn't experienced with helping people deal with something so traumatic. I wondered if Luke found his mom or if somebody else did. Maybe he just needed time. I suddenly felt a tear slide down my cheek, I hadn't realized I was crying.

The 'I wondered' sentence doesn't really fit in here to me- it sounds a bit random, I'd leave it out. I'm not that keen on 'I suddenly felt a tear slide down my cheek' I'd leave out suddenly.

I flopped back onto my back.

To me this sentence doesn't fit in with the rest of the paragraph, flopped sounds a bit silly. I'd change it or you could even leave it out, maybe replacing muttered later on with 'mumbled into my pillow'. There's a lot of Dakota moving back and forth on her bed, which is good as it breaks up all the thoughts, but this part might work better without her changing position.

I didn't want Luke to leave, but I didn't want him to be unhappy. It was selfish of me to want him here if it didn't make him happy.

I'd add 'to keep' after 'It was selfish of me to want' and as you end the last sentence with unhappy, I'd change 'if it didn't make him happy' to something like 'if it wasn't what was best for him' or 'if it wasn't what he wanted'.

I looked over at my clock, I was shocked at how long I had spent with Luke, it was already nine at night and I was exhausted.

I'd rephrase this sentence a little, I think glanced might sound better than looked and I think you either need to break the sentence up into two and maybe rearrange it, for instance something like this- 'I glanced over at my clock. I was shocked to see it was already nine pm, no wonder I felt so exhausted.'

I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and walked over to my dresser. I grabbed my plaid pajama pants and a white T-Shirt. I stuck them on and flopped onto my messy bed. I pressed my palms to my eyes and drew in a deep breath.
I walked over to my desk and sat down. I grabbed my notebook and started drawing.

This all sounds a bit awkward with a lot of actions- could you cut it down a little? You could miss out her going and sitting down on her bed and maybe join a couple of the sentences together. I'm not sure about 'stuck them on' either- maybe 'shoved'? For example-
'I swung my legs over the side of my bed and shuffled over to my dresser, grabbing my plaid pajama pants and a white t-shirt. I shoved them on quickly before sinking into the chair before my desk.'
If you did put something like this you could then say the part about her taking a moment, breathing deeply and stuff before writing in her notebook

Drawing was a passion of mine, got my thoughts off my chest.

I'd add an it before got and maybe change the comma to a dash.

It was all so random and I didn't even understand what I was drawing anymore.

I kind of got the impression that she never knew what she was drawing so it wouldn't be 'anymore'. You also say drawing and drew a lot here so I'd try to replace those words where you can. I'd maybe rewrite this as something like 'It was all so random- I didn't even know what I was doing.'

I finished and stared at the letters, BREAKDOWN, it read. I placed it on the desk and started contemplating why my mind would tell me to write something like this.

I'd change the comma after letters to a full stop and I wouldn't think she would need to place it on the desk as its already on the desk. Maybe just 'I left it on the desk' might make more sense.

"Hello?" I whispered. My mom would get mad if I were talking on the phone now.

Why? Because of the time? If that is why I think you need to say so- instead of now you could say 'at this time of night' or something similar.

"Turn on the news," he moaned.

I'm not sure if moaned sounds right here, I'd either replace it or leave it out so its just the speech.

A news anchor had a stern look on her frail face.

I'm not that keen on describing her face as frail- it sounds a bit odd here. If you are trying to kind of go for the angle that she doesn't care what she is talking about I'd maybe say something about her wearing loads of make up for the camera's, just my preference

A woman, Margaret Owens has committed suicide in her home this morning. The police are sure it isn't a homicide, no word on why the woman has done this.

There needs to be a comm after Margret Owens I think and I'd add but before 'no word on why'.

"Yeah," he assured me.

To me it sounded throughout this conversation like he isn't OK and that he's only saying this to satisfy her- I think you could add in about Dakota not feeling assured, questioning whether he actually is alright by maybe in her reply of

"Okay, I'll miss you," I replied.

As long as your certain... after 'Okay'.
Because of all of that, I wouldn't say assured here or add more to it- maybe you could comment on the tone, does he sound glum? Annoyed? Exhausted?

But it did and who was I kidding?

I think this might be more effective as just 'But it did.' to end on.

Overall comments: I think you are managing to tell an emotional story very well so far, its a good storyline but it has to be written right to be able to be effective- and I think you have managed to do that so well done!

A few times you tended to repeat the same word a bit- walked and sighed seemed to crop up a lot where I think you could replace them with more interesting actions. You've managed to describe her thoughts and feelings well- really getting across to the reader what it must be like to be in this situation.

I'd maybe like a little more description on the part with her mother, some description on how her mother reacts and is worried about Dakota could work really well

I enjoyed reading your story! Your doing great so far so keep going Hope I've helped!