slight smile

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Right, this is my first story, not really a story, but i would love to hear feedback, good or bad. And also, I'm not sure whether to write more or just leave it at that. Thank you for reading(:

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The pebbles sizzled under the angry sun and threatened to burn those who dared tread on them without wearing any protective footwear. There is something different about the sea today, it seems furious at those who are here. The waves are attacking the beach and forcefully dragging pebbles back, like a bear dragging its prey back into its cave.

The heat seems to have an effect on people, it makes the old slow and weak and it gives the young energy and excitement. The beach itself is swarming with youth, laughing, socialising, and drinking. They are all crammed in close to each other, sharing their towels and their food without hesitation. But there is an exception.

A circle of free space surrounds her, about five meters each way. Her fellow age group does not embrace her into their activities as they do others, instead, they shun her, as if she’s a bad memory they do not want to remember or think of.

Unlike most who are shunned, she embraces the loneliness, in fact, and it seems as if she is the one who decided it to be this way. She simply lies there on her sapphire blue towel, ignoring the others as they ignore her. You do not see her eyes as they are concealed behind large ray bans, all you can see is the slight smile on her lips. In one hand she holds her violet iPod; she nods along to the music, slowly.

Something breaks her trance. She sits up slowly and takes her sunglasses off, pulling her earphones out at the same time. She rises quickly and looks straight out into the ocean with deep concentration on her face; the slight smile is no longer there. And before anyone close by to her can realize what it is she’s doing she breaks into a quick run, towards the ocean, her things are left on her towel, waiting for her return. People soon start to understand what’s happening, pairs of eyes follow her as she runs toward the ocean, some mutter questions while others stand to get a better view. She reaches the water and immediately breaks into an agile breast stroke. It takes her only two minutes to reach the depths of the water. Her head disappears as she dives into the water. 15 seconds pass. People really start to wake up now, some suggest a suicide, hers. But 5 seconds later, this theory is dismissed immediately as she rises with another body in her arms. And that’s when the youths start to panic, phones are rushed out and a few boys start to run to the water to help her. But by the time they get to the water’s edge she’s already halfway to the shore and the hard part of her task is over. She swims quickly back to shore, half dragging the boy she has saved. The two boys who had started swimming to her aid are now helping her with the boy; they each take an arm and fling it round their necks, carrying him to a towel. The boy coughs and looks up at her.
“How, how did you know I was out there?”
Everyone turns their attention back to her. Instead of answering him she starts walking to her belongings and packs them up, quickly putting a loose summer dress over her bikini and her sunglasses back on. Flinging her bag over one shoulder she starts to walk away, with a slight smile playing at her lips.
Last edited by Armagan on Mon Mar 02, 2009 7:58 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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Hi Armagan,

Welcome to the Young Writers Society. Just to inform you that we do have a rule that before we post a piece of our own, we review two other pieces. This helps ensure that everyone gets a review.

Secondly, it is remarkably difficult to read a story like this, as it is one big chunk, rather than small paragraphs. I would suggest that you go through your story and paragraph it, as it will make it easier to read for us reviewers. I would also suggest capitalizing the title as a story looks much more appealing to read with appropriate grammar.

Now, Let's get to the review:
Armagan wrote:12pm, on a hot dry summer’s day.

Remember, this is your first sentence, you want to make this into an exciting sentence that is grammatically correct. Your opening doesn't quite draw me in. In fact I would do away with the entire sentence, and save yourself the cliche as well as the trouble of coming up with a more appropriate first sentence.

The pebbles sizzled under the angry sun and threatened to burn those who dared tread on them without protective footwear.

I don't know if you realize it, but this change in tense, from sizzled, in the past tense, to the next sentence in the present tense. I would suggest correcting this.
The heat seems to have an affect on people

It has an effect on people, and therefore affects people.
it makes the old slow and weak and it gives the young energy and excitement. The beach itself is swarming with youths, laughing, joking, and drinking.

I would suggest killing off one of the redundant words, laughing, or joking, and replacing it with something more fitting.

They are all crammed in close to each other, sharing their towels and their food enthusiastically.

I don't really think enthusiastically is the right adjective to use here.

With one exception.

But there is an exception, might read better.
She is blocked out.

You've just told us this, do you need to tell us again?
Her behaviour is the exact opposite to the majority in her shoes

Does not read nicely.
, she embraces the loneliness, in fact, and it seems as if she is the one who decided it to be this way. She simply lies there on her sapphire blue towel. Ignoring the others as they ignore her.

Join the two sentences, they are really one.

You do not see her eyes as they are concealed behind large retro ray bans, all you can see is the slight smile on her lips.

I don't think the word "retro" really works with your tone.
yet the swim trunks suggest that she feels the need to cover up her lower body.

I'm not sure how this relates to your story. We don't really see how her shame of her lower body compliments her upper body, and why.

pairs of eyes follow her as she’s running toward the ocean

As she runs toward the ocean.
She’s now running into the water and without hesitation she breaks into an agile breast stroke.

"She reaches the water and immediately breaks into an agile breast stroke."

It only takes her round about two minutes to get far out into the water

Perhaps, "It takes her only two minutes to reach the depths of the water.
“How, how did you know I was out there?”

Dialogue begins on a new line.
then everyone’s attention is back onto her.

Perhaps, "Everyone turns their attention back to her.
sunglasses back on,

Stop the sentence here.

with the slight smile back on her lips.

Perhaps, "with a slight smile playing at her lips.[/quote]

I hope the review helped!
Have a good one! :)
#TNT

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
-- Robert Frost

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Hey Armagan, welcome :)

Firstly I like the fact that she (a 'reject') saved the boy's life, it's a good story line. Although I do think that you write in telegram style (well almost). Its all short and without a lot of emotion, which isn't wrong but it sounded more like a scene in a text.
Is quick and to the point, maybe if you want to write a STORY work on that. Otherwise, I think you will write good texts :)




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Welcome to YWS Armagan! :D

Just as a first thing I noticed. Try to break this up into some more paragraphs. Just one big long paragraph is very tiring on the eyes. I'll try to show some places where this would be good. :)

Armagan wrote:12pm, on a hot dry summer’s day.

I'm thinking that this could be in italics and it's own paragraph to kind of set things up.

Armagan wrote:The pebbles sizzled under the angry sun and threatened to burn those who dared tread on them without protective footwear. There is something different about the sea today, it seems furious at those who are here. The waves are attacking the beach and forcefully dragging pebbles back, like a bear dragging its prey back into its cave. you could probably have a new paragraph hereThe heat seems to have an affect on people, it makes the old slow and weak and it gives the young energy and excitement.


Armagan wrote:The beach itself is swarming with youth[s]s[/s], laughing, joking, and drinking. They are all crammed in close to each other, sharing their towels and their food enthusiastically. With one exception. new paragraph here A circle of free space surrounds her, [s]round[/s] about five meters each way, her ((. Her))fellow age group do (does) not embrace her into their activities as they do others, instead, they shun her, as if she’s a bad memory they do not want to remember or think of.


Armagan wrote:She is blocked out. Her behaviour (behavior) is the exact opposite to the majority in her shoes, she embraces the loneliness, in fact, and it seems as if she is the one who decided it to be this way. She simply lies there on her sapphire blue towel. Ignoring the others as they ignore her. You do not see her eyes as they are concealed behind large retro ray bans, all you can see is the slight smile on her lips. In one hand she holds her violet iPod; she nods along to the music, slowly. She’s wearing boys swim trunks over her bikini bottom, but she lies there in her bikini top, she does not cover her upper body for some reason, yet the swim trunks suggest that she feels the need to cover up her lower body. (run-on sentence...break it up a little bit or re-phrase it)


Armagan wrote:(new paragraph here)Something breaks her trance. She sits up slowly and takes her sunglasses off, pulling her [s]iPod[/s] earphones out at the same time. She rises quickly and looks straight out into the ocean with deep concentration on her face; the slight smile is no longer there. And before anyone close by to her can realise (realize) what it is she’s doing she breaks into a quick run, towards the ocean, her things are left on her towel, waiting for her return. (I liked this line) People soon start to realise (realize, but i would think of changing this so it doesn't repeat the previous realize. 'Understand', maybe?) what’s happening, pairs of eyes follow her as she’s running toward the ocean, some mutter questions while others stand to get a better view.



Hmm...interesting ending. :)
I liked the story over all, it was pretty well written and had a good plot. I think it would be best to leave it as is though, without a continuation. The reader can make up their own ideas as to how she knew and what not.

Nice job.
If you have any questions or need anything feel free to PM me! :D

-Carly
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.

Ask a Therapist!
I want to beta read your novel!


Ask me anything. Talk to me about anything. Seriously. My PM box is always open <3




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Hey =]

Welcome to YWS!

I really liked this. The concept is original and that in a sense made it more enjoyable to read.

Most of the nit-piking has been done and I couldn't find anything extra to add.

Overall it's a short piece, but it seems to be the right length for the story. The only thing I would do is add in a bit more emotion, but apart from that it's fine.

Great job!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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Hiya and welcome!

Overall comments:

Person: What person is this? Most of the lines are third person, but this line:

You do not see her eyes as they are concealed behind large ray bans, all you can see is the slight smile on her lips.


Is in second person. It wouldn't be so bad if you used second person again, but this seems to be simply about "her" and not "you." So, if it's about Her, then re-work these lines so that they're in third. ^_^

Ending: I find the ending is incomplete, really. You don't have room for much else, but it would be nice to find out why the boy is in the water in the first place. And how she knew he was there. This would make a great cliff-hanger for a continuing story, but right now there are a lot of questions about this at the end. I do like it the way it is. I simply wish you would continue! :P

*Gold star* Nice work!

If you have any questions about this, PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Welcome to YMS
I really liked this story, i don't know if you

were going to carry on with it? But i think

you should as i found it gripping and mada me want to read more!

Cheers

Borntoshop
:D



Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— Miles Kington