Fake, or Real?

Fake, or Real?

Creeping through the shadows, the thief made his not so great entrance. Police were patrolling the buildings perimeter, searching, guarding, and watching. As one policeman rounded the corner, the thief made his move. Breaking cover, he raced across the lawn and picked the lock to the museum. Slipping inside, he darted behind a pillar, for he saw the police inside. Now was his chance! Sneaking up behind him, the thief hit his head with a resounding thud. Sidestepping the man, he slithered under the censors. There! The diamond, worth a million dollars! Its rare ruby hue made it so valuable. Ever so gently, he slid his heavy leather glove underneath. Removing the diamond, bit by bit, he stuck it into his un-noticeable pouch. Heading for the door, he silently cursed under his breath. The guard whom he had knocked out was reviving.


”Stop, thief! Bar the doors, don’t let him get away!” No longer taking caution, he bolted across the yard. Jumping into the convertible that was waiting, he roared off, leaving the scene of crime.

-------


“May I take your ticket, please?” The flight attendant punched a hole in the one-way airline ticket. “Here you are, sir.” Handing it back, he strode off down the aisle. The thief couldn’t help sniggering. The stupid fools! The police would be tearing all around Oregon while he was in Florida. He planned to sell the diamond to a pawn-broker, no questions asked. “Plane landing, seatbelts please.” The plane flew lower, losing altitude. Gradually, it bumped to a halt. Stepping off, he went to claim his baggage.

“Ahh, Mr. Treton, is it?” the baggage boy observed. “Where’ve you been?”

The thief spoke for the first time in a low, gravelly voice. “Oh, here and there.”

Taking his bags, he left the airport. Sticking his thumb out to hail a cab, he wondered where he could find a pawnbroker. “Where to?” The cabby asked, bored.

“The nearest pawnbroker.” Handing the cabby a twenty, Treton leaned back, for once in 24 hours, and closed his eyes.

-------

“We’re here sir. Wake up!” Groggily, he sat up. Thanking the cabby, he gave him a tip. Brushing himself off, he strode into the pawnbroker’s shop.

“I’ll take you over here, sir,” glancing up, he saw a woman beckoning to him. Walking over to her, he pulled the diamond out of his pouch.

“How much?” He asked gruffly.

“Ooh, now that’s a fine one! How about, 5 million?” the woman asked smiling,

“That’ll be fine.” 5 million!

“Here you are. Thank you for your contribution.”

Contribution? What the heck was she talking about? He pushed it to the back of his mind. Once again, he flagged a taxi.

“Hullo once again!” Treton’s jaw dropped. It was the same cabby! “Now where’d ya like to go?”

“The Sleep Inn.” He had already rented a room. The ride wasn’t as long as before. In less than twenty minutes, he was checking into the inn.

“Here’s your key. Your room is on the third floor, last door down.”

As he reached his room, he chuckled. At last, peace to do his work! He set about laying his materials out for counterfeiting. Two hours later, he had 10 million, half counterfeited. He bundled it up separately, the counterfeit, and the stolen. Striding into the hall, he dropped the counterfeit on the doorstep of room two with a note. Here is the promised money, and more. He checked out of the inn the next day, and was never seen again.


--------

Trisha literally stumbled on the money. She was coming out to do her laundry, when she tripped on it. Picking it up, she smiled. The old charmer! He had promised her two-hundred dollars, and here was five million! Pocketing it, she went back inside her room. The next day, she too, left the building. She climbed into her red Volkswagen and headed toward the bank.

“Good morning, Miss Trisha. Lovely day, isn’t it?” The banker greeted her warmly. “Do you need something?”

“Why, hello, Tim. I need to deposit some money.”

“How much?”

Lowering her voice, she answered “Five million.”

Tim’s eyebrows hit the roof and kept going. Jumping grasshoppers! Where’d you get such a sum?”

“A man dropped it off on my doorstep."

“Well, let’s get you set.” As Trisha handed over the money, his eyebrows hit the sun and kept going. “Why, Miss Trisha! How could you do such a thing!?”

‘What!? What did I do!?” Trisha’s eyes got wide with fear.

“Every penny of this is counterfeit!”

Trisha gawked at him. “Well I never!” Her indigent voice grew shrill. “That horrible man! Giving me counterfeit money!”

“Miss Trisha, I know you didn’t do it, so let’s just forget it. Get rid of it, and it will never be spoken of again.” Tim was sympathetic.

“Of course! Right away! I’m sorry to trouble you, Tim. Goodbye!” With that, she jumped into the car and lit the money on fire. After that, she bought a house and planted a garden, using the ash for fertilizer.

Teeton was never caught, but the diamond was returned.

ClimberSquirrel --

I thought you were illiterate? Really now, you act as if you have no potential, but you're only eleven. You'd be amazed how quickly your writing will improve within just a year if you keep reading. (Writing will help, too, but I'm of the opinion that the best way to improve the quality of your writing is to read read read.)

As for the story, sure, it has problems, but it's pretty basic stuff, which means it can be easily fixed.

*

First, let's go over sentence structure.

Creeping through the shadows, the thief made his not so great entrance. Police were patrolling the buildings perimeter, searching, guarding, and watching. As one policeman rounded the corner, the thief made his move. Breaking cover, he raced across the lawn and picked the lock to the museum. Slipping inside, he darted behind a pillar, for he saw the police inside. Now was his chance! Sneaking up behind him, the thief hit his head with a resounding thud. Sidestepping the man, he slithered under the censors. There! The diamond, worth a million dollars! Its rare ruby hue made it so valuable. Ever so gently, he slid his heavy leather glove underneath. Removing the diamond, bit by bit, he stuck it into his un-noticeable pouch. Heading for the door, he silently cursed under his breath. The guard whom he had knocked out was reviving.

”Stop, thief! Bar the doors, don’t let him get away!” No longer taking caution, he bolted across the yard. Jumping into the convertible that was waiting, he roared off, leaving the scene of crime.

I'm sure you can see the problem here. Notice how all those sentences start the same way? I used to have trouble with this -- I formed an over-reliance on present participles (words like "walking" or "talking") and used them to start too many sentences. Sentence structure is just one of those things, you know? You have to constantly monitor how your whole paragraph sounds together; remember that each sentence flows into the next. They stack on top of each other; they rely on each other. And if they're too similar, the reader quickly grows tired of the repetition.

And look at this:

Handing it back, he strode off down the isle.

Hm... so he handed it back... while he walked down the aisle?

*

Now, dialogue. First of all, let me say that you probably a few steps ahead of most eleven-year-olds in that you know each speaker gets his own paragraph. (Actually, the fact that you can paragraph at all is significant -- it was a long time before I learned how to do that effectively.)

However, dialogue is a tricky thing, and there are a few rules to keep in mind.

Behold:

“Ahh, Mr. Treton, is it?” [s]The[/s] the baggage boy observed.

WRONG: "Come here." He said.
STILL WRONG: "Come here." he said.
WRONG YET AGAIN: "Come here," He said.
RIGHT: "Come here," he said.

That's a basic rundown, grammatically, but these sites are excellent for learning all the dialogue rules and how to write conversations effectively: Writing Dialogue and Dialogue: Punctuation, Capitalization, and Spacing.

*

Typos! These will cripple any story, if you have enough of them. If there are too many, the reader's mind might begin to subconsciously seek any others out.

“Of cuse! Right away! I’m sorry to troubl you, Tim. Goodbye!”

There's an example of why you should always proofread before posting a story. Of course, no one's infallible in this regard; we all make typos or unintentional grammatical errors occasionally. But it's important to at least check for the blatant slip-ups. Do you have a word processor on your computer that has spell-checking? That can be a helpful tool. Or, there are always online spell-checkers.

*

Now, for one other way to improve your story. This is an easy-to-remember tip that will help you in lots of creative writing: Remember the five senses. Touch, smell, taste, sight, and sound. This is the basis of description -- you can make your story really come alive if you describe the nuances of the environment and the people within it. How does that lady talk? Is the wind blowing? What does the air smell like, taste like? Any unusual colours? Metaphors and similes are also great techniques to employ in description. Put your reader in the story.

*

You mentioned that your stories are never very long. This made me laugh, because when I was your age I had the exact same problem -- still do sometimes. Maybe you feel like you don't know what to actually "fill" the story with. That's how I felt, and it's frustrating, but I found that was largely due to my age. As I got older, I learned how to actually show scenes, instead of summarizing them. This may or may not be how you feel, but if it is, know that you aren't alone.

Also, I'll let you in on a secret: There's nothing wrong with really short stories. There's actually something of an art form to it -- check out flash fiction.

*

Really, I just want to encourage you to keep writing -- you're not illiterate and you are not bad. Did you know that by at least attempting to follow basic grammatical and spelling rules you are ahead of most people? Did you know that by paragraphing, you instantly make people five times more likely to read what you've written? Sure, you're not great yet, but the fact that you are writing at age eleven is huge. If you keep it up, and keep reading, too, in one or two years you will be amazed at how far you've come. Writing is a learning process -- and it's hard. Take someone you consider to be a great writer on this site and understand that even they have a long way to go. But they keep going because they love to do it. I hope you'll keep going.

Also, yes, please stay on YWS. I know it may feel like your opinions don't matter because of your age, but it's just the opposite. 14 and 15-year-olds, they're dime a dozen on this site. But you have a more unique perspective as someone who's younger. You're only young once, as they say.

Anyway. Please keep writing, please stick around, and most importantly, READ. If you have any other stories you want me to look at (not poetry, though, because I can't do that ), don't hesitate to ask.

I hope this helped a little, and as if I haven't already pounded this into your head enough, keep writing.

Prokaryote

Music here- as requested. Planning to do a complete grammar, spelling, and what not check and then overall impressions.

Police were patrolling the building's perimeter, searching, guarding, and watching.

As a side note, I'll second what Prok noted. You start sentences with "ing" words a lot. Try and rephrase those sentences to get some more variety!

”Stop, thief! Bar the doors[s],[/s]; don’t let him get away!”

“Plane landing[s],[/s]; seatbelts, please.” The plane flew lower, losing altitude. Gradually, it bumped to a halt. [s]Stepping off, he[/s]He stepped off and went to claim his baggage.

Example of rephrasing used above.

[s]Taking his bags, h[/s]He left the airport, taking his bags with him. [s]Sticking[/s]He stuck his thumb out to hail a cab[s], he[/s]and wondered where he could find a pawnbroker.

“The nearest pawnbroker.” After [s]H[/s]handing the cabby a twenty, Treton leaned back, for [s]once[/s]the first time in 24 hours, and closed his eyes.

“We’re here, sir. Wake up!” Groggily, he sat up. [s]Thanking[/s]He thanked the cabby, he gave him a tip. Brushing himself off, he strode into the pawnbroker’s shop.

[s]Walking[/s]He walked over to her[s], he[/s] and pulled the diamond out of his pouch.

“How much?” [s]H[/s]he asked gruffly.

“Ooh, now that’s a fine one! How about, 5 million?” the woman asked, smiling[s],[/s].

He bundled it up separately, the counterfeit[s],[/s] and the stolen.

Trisha literally stumbled upon the money. She was coming out to do her laundry, when she tripped on it. Picking it up, she smiled. The old charmer! He had promised her two-hundred dollars, and here was five million! Pocketing it, she went back inside her room. The next day, she, too, left the building. She climbed into her red Volkswagen and headed toward the bank.

“Good morning, Miss Trisha. Lovely day, isn’t it?” [s]T[/s]the banker greeted her warmly. “Do you need something?”

[s]Lowering[/s]She lowered her voice[s], she[/s]and answered, “Five million.”

Tim’s eyebrows hit the roof and kept going. "Jumping grasshoppers! Where’d you get such a sum?”

Trisha gawked at him. “Well, I never!” Her indigent voice grew shrill. “That horrible man! Giving me counterfeit money!”

Hiya, Climber! Interesting story! As I've said, that "ing" use got a bit over-kill-ish, so try and edit those. I edited a few for you already.

As for the content of the story, it was pretty good. I was left wondering why Trisha was given the money, though. Were she and Teeton friends? Was he in debt to her? Did she work for him? I would've liked if that question was answered.

Pretty good story; it was a nice thing to review! Thanks for asking me to do so! You'll develop into a great writer.

Love,
Music.

One of my fellow younger members on the site! *high five* Dear, as Prok already emphasized, please do keep writing, and no, you are not too young for YWS! I'm only twelve, and I'll tell you that your writing can only get even better with time and opinions. You're already talented as an author.

So, enough of the pep talk. I'll go ahead and get to the review, now, as you've requested. That said, I'm going to review you just as I'd review an eighteen-year-old. That's the best way to improve, I think.

Alright, heed Prok's advice about all of the -ing- words. They're a great way to spice things up from the old "He did this, he did that", sure, but you need to find that balance between different ways to begin your sentences. Also, remember that not every sentence needs to revolve directly around your main character. You can have sentences thrown in the mix about how his footsteps sounded against the museum tiles, or how the musuem air-conditioning was on full-blast, sending chillds up his spine.

Also, you might want to make sure that you keep things at least partially realistic. Really, it would not be this easy for your thief to steal this diamond. A highly protected museum with a very expensive diamond in its care would not be easily thwarted by your average robber-- one way you could make this a teensy bit more realistic would be to make Trenton seem more like a professional in his line of work. You want your readers to be amazed by how sneaky and clever your theif is, not how idiotic and unobservant your museum guards are! Make this Trenton seem a bit more impressive.

Why?

So, this doesn't have so much of a plot, which is actually totally okay. However, I kept waiting for some bit of explanation-- why did Trenton give this fake money to Trisha mixed in with the real money? There is no motive behind this, it seems. If he wanted to get her in trouble, he'd just give her the fake money. And, if he just wanted to help her, he'd just give her the real/stolen money. Why is he giving it to her? Who is she? What is their relationship?

So, obviously he knows her, because she wasn't all that surprised when she found the money. Before I forget, there's another thing. If someone promises you two-hundred dollars and you get five million, you are going to be very shocked. Trust me. Really, put yourself in your characyers situations and see how you'd react. It's one thing to kind of expect it, but it's another thing to hardly react at all when finding this bundle of extreme cash on your doorstep. FREAK OUT! You can retire for the rest of your life! You can buy a manshion in Hawaii with your own private helicopter!

You don't have to explain everything. In fact, it's great that you don't. That's the point of a short story in the first place; leaving something unknown! However, somethings are essential for us to even get the story at all. If you can even hint to why he'd give her the money (are they secret lovers? Can she blackmail him? Does he owe it to her because of something he stole from her years ago?) we'd understand better.

Why, Evi?!?! Why must you do this to me!?!

So, I realize that I made a lot of suggestions. These are purely to help you learn how to tie together a storyline efficiently, find a balance between the known and the unknown, and develop your description. I think that you are already way ahead most people your (our?) age in the writing department-- infact, your grammar especially impresses me. To aid with the punctuation in dialogue, check this out: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewarticlebody.php?t=44898. It's a helpful guide by Demeter, one of our very own Instructors.

PM me if you need anything else, and I'll be sure to try and check out your other pieces!

~Evi

Thank you, Prok, Music, and Evi. I wrote this in less than an hour, so is it really surprising that I left something out? I was trying not to tell too much, that's why I used so many "ing" words. Why are you surprised about my grammar? Stori/Kyte, Fire Light, and Yagaron are all my bros. My dad had writings published, I won a couple of contests where we had to write about our favorite bird, I went to a Spelling Bee. Even though my whole team including me was out, could you have spelled muumuu without ever hearing it before? Anyway. I'll see if I can fix that. I'll do it on Word, but not now. I have it saved on another one of my computers, and this is my bro's, which I'm not supposed to use.

Hiya Climber! So very sorry for getting to this late.

And since the whole "-ing" thing has been covered, I won't go into that.

Creeping through the shadows, the thief made his not so great entrance. Police were patrolling the buildings perimeter, searching, guarding, and watching.

Now, upon reading "not so great," coupled with the line after it, I think he's not done a good job at entering. I realize now you were referencing to theater and "not so great" as a quiet entrance, but because you don't give any metaphor in here (like, a mention of an actor), we are left to figure out the meaning for ourselves. In some cases that is good, but in others, it just leaves readers confused.

Breaking cover, he raced across the lawn and picked the lock to the museum.

How long did it take him to pick the lock? Wouldn't the cops have noticed him had he taken too long? ^_^

Sneaking up behind him, the thief hit his head with a resounding thud.

Who "him" is in this paragraph is a bit hard to decipher. Give us more proper titles to avoid that confusion.

Sidestepping the man, he slithered under the censors.

Now, I'm no expert on censors, but I do know that those laser-beams you see in movies don't actually exist. A museum like that would have pressure sensors on the floor, motion detectors, pressure sensors on the case, maybe even heat detectors and infrared beams, which you can't see in real life.

Sensors are trick business, no? ^_^

Its rare ruby hue made it so valuable.

If you really want to make this diamond rare, make it purely colourless or deep blood red. Those are the most expensive and rare.

he stuck it into his un-noticeable pouch.

How is this pounce unnoticeable? ^_^ If a diamond is in a museum for being rare, it's going to be big. Therefore, it would make the pouch bulge.

”Stop, thief! Bar the doors, don’t let him get away!” No longer taking caution, he bolted across the yard. Jumping into the convertible that was waiting, he roared off, leaving the scene of crime.

~ Your tags here are a little fuzzy. ^_^ The way things are now, it looks like "he" is the speaker, while the speaker is the guard and the thief is "he." Put some more proper names to avoid that.

~ How did the thief get away? A guard's word should get some fast reactions, so unless the thief already had a planned, completely open (which doesn't exist, by the way), escape route, he needs a new plan. ^_^

“May I take your ticket, please?” The flight attendant punched a hole in the one-way airline ticket. “Here you are, sir.” Handing it back, he strode off down the aisle.

"Handing it back" implies that it was the thief that handed it back. If you want to make it proper for the thief's actions, it would be "Taking it back." Now, ask yourself, can he really take it back and stride down the aisle at the same time? That's one way to get rid of "-ing" words. Ask yourself if they really are doing those actions at the same time.

He planned to sell the diamond to a pawn-broker, no questions asked. “Plane landing, seatbelts please.” The plane flew lower,

~ This rings a little untrue to me. Wouldn't somebody with a huge diamond (I mentioned the rarity, size and price issue before) be questioned? Or, would he just find the laziest pawnbroker?

And, such a large theft wouldn't go unnoticed. If that diamond really were that prized, it would go to nation wide alert. Airports would be alerted to look out for that car/person, as would every other way to leave the country. Bag would be searched, ect. The only way he could get off scot-free would be to not only leave ahead of those alerts, but to find a way to hide that diamond from the x-ray machines. Diamonds would show up on those machines, you know.

~ This line a contradiction to later on. When he actually sells this, he gets a no-questions asked pawnbroker and jumps. It just doesn't add up. ^_^

~ You're missing any mention that they took off before they landed here.

The thief spoke for the first time in a low, gravelly voice. “Oh, here and there.”

Hmm, is this the first time he's speaking, or just the first time he's using that tone? Clear up this tag so we know which one it is, please. ^_^

“The nearest pawnbroker.” Handing the cabby a twenty, Treton leaned back, for once in 24 hours, and closed his eyes.

~ Wouldn't said cabby ask questions? I would think any sane cabby would.

~ Why would it be the first time in 24 hours? (A side note, here- unless the number is huge and hard to type, spell out numbers. "24" would be "twenty-four") Since we don't know how long he was in the air, how nervous he was, how long he'd been worried about the heist, we don't see why this would be the "first time"

“We’re here sir. Wake up!” Groggily, he sat up.

It is unclear who is doing what here. You seem to do that with tags a lot. Be sure that every bit of dialogue has a mention of who is speaking around it.

“I’ll take you over here, sir,” glancing up, he saw a woman beckoning to him.

I would put the mention of the woman before the mention he's glancing up to make this clearer. ^_^

Walking over to her, he pulled the diamond out of his pouch.

Ahh, now it makes sense how he got past security! You didn't mention that he still had the diamond in his pouch. I thought it was in his bags. (A side note- He'd have to be really careful not to leave anything metal in his pockets. If he did, he might get caught with the diamond.

5 million!

You could do with some emotion behind this tag.

“Hullo once again!” Treton’s jaw dropped. It was the same cabby! “Now where’d ya like to go?”

~ That is just weird.

~ You don't really mention your MC's name anywhere else. He's always called "he." Seeing his name here throws us.

The ride wasn’t as long as before. In less than twenty minutes, he was checking into the inn.

What does he do during said ride?

“Here’s your key. Your room is on the third floor, last door down.”

Who said this?

He set about laying his materials out for counterfeiting.

Did he have one of his buddies drop off a printing press to the room? That's what he'd need to counterfeit properly. That, and some heavy-duty technology. Not exactly stuff that could fit in a suitcase.

Two hours later, he had 10 million, half counterfeited. He bundled it up separately, the counterfeit, and the stolen.

~ You're missing any mention of real money in sentence one.

~ In sentence two, it makes me think he's robbed a bank. Put that it was the money from the diamond.

Picking it up, she smiled. The old charmer! He had promised her two-hundred dollars, and here was five million!

So, her mind isn't totally blown by all this? I mean, if I found five mill I'd probably hit my head on the ceiling I'd be so happy.

Put some more backhistory to this relationship so we understand all this better. How does she know him? Why would he go to all that trouble just to repay two-hundred dollars? What was the two-hundred for?

It would really help your story if you answered those questions. ^_^

Pocketing it, she went back inside her room.

How could she pocket a bag-full of money?

“Good morning, Miss Trisha. Lovely day, isn’t it?” The banker greeted her warmly. “Do you need something?”

If she knows the banker, his name should be mentioned the first time he is.

“A man dropped it off on my doorstep."

“Well, let’s get you set.”

So, no questions?

You'll need to explain the relationship she and the banker have for this to make sense. ^_^

As Trisha handed over the money, his eyebrows hit the sun and kept going. “Why, Miss Trisha! How could you do such a thing!?”

~ The first time you used "hit the ___ and kept going" it was funny. The second time, well, it lost some of it's pizazz.

~ Double punctuation is something that is usually not done. Do not ask me why, it just is. I guess it'd because if your tags are good, you shouldn't need double-punctuation.

“Every penny of this is counterfeit!”

How long did that take him to figure out? ^_^

“Miss Trisha, I know you didn’t do it, so let’s just forget it. Get rid of it, and it will never be spoken of again.” Tim was sympathetic.

Instead of telling us he was sympathetic, why not show us using some actions?

With that, she jumped into the car and lit the money on fire.

So she lights the money in the car? I would be afraid my insurance would hit the roof if my car ended up burned to a crisp.

Teeton was never caught, but the diamond was returned.

How was the diamond returned? ^_^

~~

Alright! After reading all that, you might think I didn't like this. In fact, I did enjoy this little story. It's got such potential to it, with all the relationships and so-forth, that you could turn it into a full-blown novella or even a novel!

Emotion: Here is where things are the most thin. You simply say what the characters are doing, not what they are feeling. Characters are about 80% of the story, and characters themselves are about 90% emotion. And since emotion rarely makes sense to the people watching, it's best to explain it all, no?

Realism: I would suggest you delve into the Internet to answer some of the questions I posed. Asking yourself how security systems are set up would be a huge bonus for this work. Who knows, it might turn out to be more fun then imagined!

Motivation: Have you ever heard the saying: The truth is stranger then fiction? Well, the reason is because fiction must make sense. You must have enough back-story and reason behind action or else readers are left scratching their heads.

Blanks: In several locations (I have pointed them out) you don't give us enough that we really understand things. Really watch that you have a string of words leading from once place to the next.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey

Creeping through the shadows, the thief made his not so great entrance. [here you say entrance, and then you reveal that he is outside... you could try and clarify this] Police were patrolling the buildings perimeter[s],[/s]; searching, guarding, and watching. As one policeman rounded the corner, the thief made his move. Breaking cover, he raced across the lawn and picked the lock to the museum. Slipping inside, he darted behind a pillar, for he saw the police inside.

Try and not use 'inside' twice here... it ruins the mood!

Okay... this first part is over very quickly, and I have to say that you haven't put much detail about it. You could try and bulk it up with more descriptions, like how easy it was for 'the thief' and the cool touch of the diamond against his gloved hand... he wipes away some sweat from his brow as his mouth waters... that sort of thing! I can see a lot of improvements to be made here, but it is really good.

“May I take your ticket, please?” The flight attendant punched a hole in the one-way airline ticket. “Here you are, sir.” Handing it back, he strode off down the aisle. The thief couldn’t help sniggering. The stupid fools! The police would be tearing all around Oregon while he was in Florida. He planned to sell the diamond to a pawn-broker, no questions asked. “Plane landing, seat belts please.” The plane flew lower, losing altitude. Gradually, it bumped to a halt. Stepping off, he went to claim his baggage.

You explain a lot here. You could instead put in something like :
He saw the familiar landscape stretch out in front of him. The Grassy plains halting suddenly as the city skyline neared. anticipation grew in his heart as he realized that he was free.
You could also add in something about the rushed exchange at the airport, because you jump to what I think is a taxi scene, after only a paragraph of writing. I got really confused at that, and I had to read it over again.

The thief spoke for the first time in a low, gravelly voice. “Oh, here and there.”

[POINT 1]
Taking his bags, he left the airport. Sticking his thumb out to hail a cab, he wondered where he could find a pawnbroker.[POINT 2] “Where to?” The cabby asked, bored.


“The nearest pawnbroker.”[/b][POINT 3][/b] Handing the cabby a twenty, Treton leaned back, for once in 24 hours, and closed his eyes.

Hmmm... you wouldn't say that to a taxi driver, in point 3, and you jump scene really fast in points 1 & 2, and the overall exchange is very quick and unintelligible to me. I can't get what is going on as he mysteriously jumps into a taxi, outside and to a baggage claim. You need to work on your scene changes a little bit. Also, you have this entire section very confusing and - it seems to me - unnecessary. You don't need to have thins, you could work it into the story at another time, and it's really short and isn't - in my opinion - long enough to make that much of an impact.

“We’re here sir. Wake up!” Groggily, he sat up. Thanking the cabby, he gave him a tip. Brushing himself off, he strode into the pawnbroker’s shop.


“I’ll take you over here, sir,” glancing up, he saw a woman beckoning to him. Walking over to her, he pulled the diamond out of his pouch.


“How much?” He asked gruffly.


“Ooh, now that’s a fine one! How about, 5 million?” the woman asked smiling,


“That’ll be fine.” 5 million!

WHAT!?!? 5 million for the taxi ride... I have missed something here, haven't I?

“We’re here sir. Wake up!” Groggily, he sat up. Thanking the cabby, he gave him a tip. Brushing himself off, he strode into the pawnbroker’s shop.

Okay... he's in the cab and he gets out.
You have a little too many '...ing''s here for my liking, even though there are only 2.

“I’ll take you over here, sir,” glancing up, he saw a woman beckoning to him. Walking over to her, he pulled the diamond out of his pouch.
“How much?” He asked gruffly.
“Ooh, now that’s a fine one! How about, 5 million?” the woman asked smiling,
“That’ll be fine.” 5 million!

'I'll take you over here... that means that he is inside the pawnbrokers, and he goes somewhere. Doesn't he have to walk over to the counter... tell them his name and business? The exchange is very fast here, an you don't explain what is going on.

I think that you should also put in some feeling around the 5 million, and the 5 should be five. He needs to be thinking something when he hears that he's getting 5 mil for a nights work!

“Hullo once again!” Treton’s jaw dropped. It was the same cabby! “Now where’d ya like to go?”

What's so bad about that? The cabby could have waited, knowing that the pawnbrokers don't take long and they give big tips... HEY! I just realized that you said nothing about him getting the money! What?!@?! We need to know if he gets it!

Two hours later, he had 10 million, half counterfeited. He bundled it up separately, the counterfeit, and the stolen. Striding into the hall, he dropped the counterfeit on the doorstep of room two with a note. Here is the promised money, and more.

HUH!?!?! You say that he stole one diamond from the museum... then he counterfeits the minerals - which he as already been paid for I take it. - (How does he get the counterfeit stuff though... he can't just make real looking diamonds out of thin air) and then he drops them onto someones doorstep - which would mean that any odd person could come along and steal them because there was no checking to see if it was their room, and there was no 'inside the door' so no-one could pick them up and run. This story is getting too unbelievable to me! I don't get half of what is going on because you don't have the adequate scene changes, and the actions aren't explained enough.

Trisha literally stumbled on the money.

WHAT? it was money he deposited? then why did they spend the entire night counterfeiting diamonds?

After that, she bought a house and planted a garden, using the ash for fertilizer.

OKay... so she gets uptight about having 200 owed tro her... but the money she already has is enough to buy a house... just so she can burn some money? I find this very unbelievable. You haven't explained enough of this... I don't get what the jack is going on... I'm confused... you need to clarify this!

I didn't have time to read what other people had to say, so I apologize if I repeat anything that has already been said. I want to focus more on the meat of the story like flow, character development, and the plot line, then the grammar or nitpicks. I am going to apologize ahead of time, because I know I am going to be really harsh in this review and I don't want you to take it personally.

“May I take your ticket, please?” The flight attendant punched a hole in the one-way airline ticket. “Here you are, sir.” Handing it back, he strode off down the aisle. The thief couldn’t help sniggering. The stupid fools! The police would be tearing all around Oregon while he was in Florida. He planned to sell the diamond to a pawn-broker, no questions asked. “Plane landing, seatbelts please.” The plane flew lower, losing altitude. Gradually, it bumped to a halt. Stepping off, he went to claim his baggage.

The transition here is so abrupt it is hard to really grasp what is going on. One minute he is boarding the plane and the next the plane is landing. At first I thought the plane was crashing because this was so quick. It is okay to take your time here. If you are going to have him on a plane let the guy sit down, enjoy a glass of champagne and the in-flight movie, and take a small nap. I mean a flight from Oregon to Florida is going to take several hours. This is a great moment to get to know more about this character. Describe how he sits in the seat. Is he nervous or cool and collected? Why steal the diamond? Is he using it to pay off debts? Or to travel the world? When the plane is about to land start a new paragraph.

The thief spoke for the first time in a low, gravelly voice. “Oh, here and there.”

This is excellent development of your character! I can almost hear his voice in my ear as I read this. Good job!

Sticking his thumb out to hail a cab, he wondered where he could find a pawnbroker.

Stealing a rare diamond from a well-guarded museum and getting away with it is something that requires a lot of planning and plotting. Don't you think that he would have thought where he was going to sell the diamond as well? I don't think he is going to let fate decide something imperitive like that. Plus pawnbrokers don't have that much money, maybe 100 grand, so I think a private buyer or selling it on the black market would be a more realistic way to go.

“Here you are. Thank you for your contribution.”


Contribution? What the heck was she talking about? He pushed it to the back of his mind.

What the heck was she talking about? I mean, I have absolutely no idea what is happening here. It is like asking a question and then never providing an answer, which is very frustrating. Why did she say "thank you for your contribution"? You need to either nix this or explain why she said that.

As he reached his room, he chuckled. At last, peace to do his work! He set about laying his materials out for counterfeiting. Two hours later, he had 10 million, half counterfeited. He bundled it up separately, the counterfeit, and the stolen. Striding into the hall, he dropped the counterfeit on the doorstep of room two with a note. Here is the promised money, and more. He checked out of the inn the next day, and was never seen again.

Why is he counterfieting money? Why is he stealing a rare diamond if he can counterfeit all the money he would need? If he owed someone two hundred dollars, why would he give them five million counterfeit dollars? I think this twist just doesn't fit.

After that, she bought a house and planted a garden, using the ash for fertilizer.

This made me laugh. Like all this craziness has happened and then she does something so normal as planting a garden.

Plot: The plot was a little fuzzy. Stealing a diamond, running off, and pawning it off is a good plot. But then you threw in the counterfieting and other little things that didn't make sense to me. It was hard to follow and I think the best way to fix this is just to nix some of the "twists".

Flow: The flow was very choppy. There were places were you were transitioning to another scene and it was so abrupt I had to go back and reread the paragraph to figure out what had just happened. An easy way to show your reader you are transitioning is to start a new paragraph.

Character Development: There didn't really seem to be any here. I mean the main character is the thief through two-thirds of the story and we don't even know the poor guy's name! And what about his appearance? If he is running from the law wouldn't he change that to throw the cops off his trail? I know you struggle with this and you are only 11, so you have plenty of time to improve and grow in this department.

Overall: The reality of this story is kind of lacking. A pawn broker offering 5 million dollars for a stolen diamond? I don't think so. Maybe your protagonist should have a private buyer already set up. The tellar letting Trisha off with five million dollars of counterfeit money? Not going to happen. And she lights the money on fire in her car? Some of this is just so absurd that it is hard for your audience to read and actually imagine it happening. And that is the point of a story, to draw your reader into the story, making them believe that they have stepped into this alter universe that you have created. But I don't want you to take this as a personal attack on you. Like I said, you are young and you do have a lot of time to improve yourself. And you do have talent, it is just like a diamond in the rough. You need some polishing and refining, but you can do it!

I hope that helped and keep writing!!

This is a nice enough work, but I must agree with all that has been written beforehand, it can certainly use some improvement.

It's a slick piece, the character is written well and the dialogue is neat. the problem is the plot does get a bit fuzzy for the reader and the motives are never revealed. There's not much insight into the character/the thief himself.

I can notice the talent you have though, this is a good work, and with even more development you could transform your writing into something great.

keep it up.
Mike.

This is one of the two complimentary critiques you get for entering CIA's money contest. The other will come from Bittersweet, CIA's guest judge.

Honestly? I don't want to critique this. You're eleven years old, and I don't know you well. I don't know how you take critiques, and I definitely don't want to discourage you from writing, because you have potential. Seriously. You already know a ton of things – how to give characters motives, tie things together, wrap a story up. Plus all the grammar, spelling, and punctuation things that will make you respected. Seriously, you should see some of my old writing (actually, I think I have one of my old stories in my blog…) – I couldn't write like that!

But I'm a harsh critiquer, so I'm going to forget a bunch of what I thought was wrong. You'll learn it through reading and from critiquing. (Really – critiquing will improve you so much because it forces you to be a reader, but actually look at what you're reading from a writer's perspective.) I will tell you one thing though – slow down!

I see that Pork touched on this, and honestly, just listen to his critique. He's brilliant. But I do have a trick about lengthening things that I still do to this day.

Often times, people summarize, which is kind of what you did here. I do it all the time when I don't know what to write. What I do is simply get it all on paper and then go through and edit it with track changes in Word. I take each sentence and expand like crazy – adding sensorary details and going step-by-step. I don’t stop until the entire document is red.

The key to that is to over-describe. Do it to a point where it's exhausting. Then accept all changes. (Make sure you saved the original!) Go away from it for a day, then start cutting. Here's the trick though – don't shorten. Rather than take a long description of running through the park and summarizing it, simply cut the sentence you had about the squirrel. Take out the unnecessary bits.

Hopefully that will help you. If you go overboard like that and then simply cut, rather than shortening, you will quickly lose the habit of summarizing.

Good job! I really liked your take on the prompt. =]

PM me for anything!

~JFW1415

Hello ClimberSquirrel! I've arrived to give you your second complimentary review for the February CIA contest! So let's get started, shall we?

Reading through this, I'm quite amazed at the level you're at in writing being the age you are. I pride myself for being a good writer when I was your age, but I think you exceed that. This being said, however, you still have a lot of room to improve. I mean, I'll probably still be improving by the time I'm like... 30. Maybe even for my entire life.

Your story was well constructed, but it skipped around too much and there wasn't much of a resolution to the story. I felt like we didn't get enough information or enough detail. I had a hard time imagining a lot of this. You may need to work on describing the characters' surroundings, taking care not to go into too much description.

When you explained the bit about the thief exchanging the diamond for the money, I was thoroughly confused. Why 'contribution'? Was it some charity thing and the thief hadn't realized? You never resolved that at the end of the story. If it doesn't have much to do with the story, I'd say just take it out. As of now, it doesn't really add anything to my story.

Also, it was really unclear to me why he was giving the girl the money, even if it was fake. Was he doing a job for her? Was he doing it in exchange for a deal, or what? What did the thief have to do with the woman?

Another thing I think you need to focus on is characterization. There was nothing that made these characters stand out, you know what I'm saying? Give them funny quirks. What are they dressed like? Do they dress in a peculiar way? Are they always well-kept? Character charts are an excellent way to get to know your character. I use them often. They're a huge help for me.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. So I bid you farewell and good luck in the outcome of the test!
-Holly