Clone Rewrite

"Adam. Adam, get up."

I grumbled something and turned over.

"Adam, today's our birthday. Don't you remember?" My twin brother's voice promised
a good breakfast, maybe an illicit movie, and certainly a good time. How's that for an alarm clock?

We weren't identical twins; Clark's hair was blond and mine was brown. He had braces on his teeth,
while I had one on my leg. Yes, it was malformed, and I'm not ashamed to say it.

I got out of bed, groaning. Clark saw my expression and reached out his left hand.

It was more than just courtesy. As his palm met mine, strength flowed into my leg. Clark's ability is a lifesaver.

His eyes were the same gunmetal gray as mine.

Hi Fire of Dawn!

I was going to be your reviewer today, but there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it!

I was just wondering whether this was a poem or just an extract of a novel; I'm not so sure which one, please tell me!

I'd like to say when I read this, it seems quite sympathetic for the narrator. Clark sounds like a really nice character, and at the end when you wrote:

Clark's ability is a lifesaver.

I was partly confused about this sentence. Is Clark a human with extraordinary powers? Or is it just a metaphor?

Overall, you have quite a story/poem idea here. I'm looking forward for you to expand the idea and develop it.

ThienThienThien,
Your Developing Fan

Oh, "lifesaver" is used as a metaphor. This is actually a revision of the prologue, which can be found in Stori's portfolio.

Hi Fire of Dawn again!

Oh ok, I had a strong feeling it was a metaphor. It's a really good one, too!

OK, I'm definitely going to go to Stori's portfolio; this revision of the prologue sounds really great so far.

Thanks!

ThienThienThien,
A YWS Fanatic!

Hey, Fire_of_Dawn!

Well, this is... short...

Oh well. Post a bit more next time and get the full value of the a hundred points that you are spending! ^_^

So here is your only nit-pick:

Yes, it was malformed, and I'm not ashamed to say it.

"I'm not ashamed to say it" is in the present tense.
The rest of your prologue is all in the past tense.
Make sure you stay consistent with your tenses!

Hope this helped,
~~~Sakura~~~

We decided, without words, to spend the day quietly. Clark cooked breakfast; we talked about life before my accident.

"I miss having two good legs," I sighed.

"You know I"d find that back who did it, if I could."

I snarled. "Damn it, Clark, let it go! Your talent is enough." Breathing hard, I turned my face to the wall. "Talk to the back.'

"My 'talent'... it only works on you, Adam." I didn't know that.

This is really good.
It's short, but still, it has a lot of power to it.
Not much to review on it.
Very good.

Howdy! I'm Dahlia and I'm here to review your piece.

fire_of_dawn wrote:"Adam. Adam, get up."

I grumbled something and turned over.

"Adam, today's our birthday. Don't you remember?" My twin brother's voice promised
a good breakfast, maybe an illicit movie, and certainly a good time. How's that for an alarm clock?

We weren't identical twins; Clark's hair was blond and mine was brown. He had braces on his teeth,
while I had one on my leg. Yes, it was malformed, and I wasn't ashamed

I got out of bed, groaning. Clark saw my expression and reached out his left hand.

It was more than just courtesy. As his palm met mine, strength flowed into my leg. Clark's ability was a lifesaver.

His eyes were the same gunmetal gray as mine.

I honestly don't know what this is. A snippet? Character profile? A chapter? It didn't seem like much, and I was quite sure.

It's a short piece, and short pieces have to make for their lack of length with power. If you want to write a short piece you want it to punch your reader in the stomach. It has to be something memorable. However, I didn't feel like this was all too memorable, it was rather bland. It lacked something.

First off your characters, I know nothing about them. I know that they're brothers and that's it. I know nothing of their relationship, their family, heck I don't even know where they are! For all I know they could be floating next to Mars or floating in the Indian Ocean. You need to create an atmosphere to give something to your story.

Also you use info-dumps which is a bad thing because they're annoying to read. When you meet something you do notice their appearance first, but there's no need to go into deep detail about it. Some of your descriptions almost felt like an afterthought, especially the last sentence. You should fix it so your descriptions flow with their story - you don't want them to pull your reader out!

All I have to say is add some flesh to the bare bones of this piece. It's short, but it lacks and it just needs some more work. I hope I helped you in some way!

---Dahlia

This is quite short for a science fiction story but if you may please continue because it is interesting but if that is it then well done i prefer if it is longer but anyway amazing.

It was short ,but great. I hope you add more. Because i'l be looking forward to reading it. I just have a question is how does Clark's ability help Adam? But again it's very good.

Your story is too short, but still it is good.I hope you add more to it, (because I will be looking forward to reading it some more). I have a bit of a question when you say that Clark's ability is a lifesaver.Is he immortal? Or is it just a metaphor? I'm sure of it. I like the way you give out the boys' detail. It makes it more imaginable for the readers to picture them. Again it was well written, and it is terrific. Keep writing!



Bye!