Zombies Are People Too

*this story has been deleted*

That was really entertaining. I seriously though that was awesome. Your voice really comes out in your writing, and it's pretty descriptive! You gave enough description so that I could see the setting but still see it in my own way.
I really liked it. scottish music- now that was original.



What you said about the ending was true though. Its just a little... 'Is that it?'. it would be fine if you kept it the same. Maybe try something like: 'I did a quick victory dance. And then I went home for a spot of tea'. No wait, dont use that. The ending is fine.

I really enjoyed this (has that not gotten through to you yet) mainly because of my childhood fear of zombies. (That still exists)

! This was really funny, all the way through you managed to keep the humorous edge to your writing and I think the ending fitted perfectly with the style of the story. This is one of the funniest things I have read on YWS!

The person looming in the pale hallway light was slightly odd. It appeared to be missing its head.

As you already say 'the person' I would change 'It appeared' to they appeared and 'missing its head' to they're head.

I did the only logical thing to do in a case like this: I screamed like a schoolgirl and tried to wake up.
It didn’t work. This meant two things: A) I’d been awake all along, and B) The laws of nature had just been horribly and grotesquely broken.

I like this, but if I'm being picky isn't it possible for someone to scream in a dream and not wake up? I think you could make this part a bit better by saying how they tried to wake themselves up- pinching themselves? jumping up and down?

I ran and hid amongst the covers in my locked room.

This makes it sound as if the bedroom is already locked- I'd say about hiding in their bedroom and locking the door behind them.

Cowering worked for nearly two hours, but unfortunately I hadn’t turned off my alarm clock.

I think you could add a bit of thoughts here from the MC, surely they would be very confused right now and giving the reader insight into what is going through their head would be effective. It might be nice to add a bit more detail to how they are under the bed-covers- are they shaking? Huddled into a ball?

The video game people always managed to find one…

You missed out an 'In' at the beginning here.

And then I wondered what I would tell my boss. “I’m being besieged by zombies” wasn’t exactly the best or even the most original of excuses.

I'm not that keen on 'and then', maybe 'I started to wonder' would work better.

Then I noticed the stench.

Because its supposed to be something really awful I'm not sure if 'noticed' is the right word- maybe 'Then the stench hit me'.

And I stormed into my room and grabbed the phone. I called 911.

I'd get rid of 'And' at the beginning and instead of having 'I called 911' on a sentence of its own, I'd change it to 'dialling 911' with a comma instead of a full stop before it.

“911, what is your emergency?” came the cheery voice of someone who listened to people’s emergencies all day.

I'm not sure about the 'listened to peoples emergencies all day'- something like 'who received regular urgent calls' could be a better replacement.

Then my gaze fell on the flyer I had found last week on my door.

Where is the flyer when their gaze falls upon it? Wouldn't it come through your door instead of on it?

Eventually, the fear of zombies breaking in overcame the fear that they would find me afterward

I'm not sure what you mean by 'find me afterward'.

Zombies, it read, are dead. Therefore anti-oxidants cause irreparable damage to their necromantic fields. Green tea, pomegranate juice, grape juice, most berries, and many spices can destroy zombies.

I'd put the text that they're reading in italics.

I left the computer and grabbed all the grape juice I had out of the refrigerator.

Instead of just 'all the grape juice I had' I'd say something like 'all the cartons of grape juice I had'.

The bottle hit one of the zombies with a sickening crunch, and it fell back and exploded in a cloud of noxious juices. The grape juice burst from its plastic bonds and splattered all over the zombies and the carpet.

I like your description here but you kind of say that the grape juice spilled everywhere twice I'd maybe miss out that the grape juice 'burst from its plastic bonds' -although it is a nice description - as you have already said that the grape juice has spilled everywhere. I'm not sure about your use of 'cloud' either as that is more used to describe gases, 'fountain' maybe?

Together, the zombies grabbed me in their strangely soft and sticky, yet obscenely disgusting claws and started dragging me toward the door.

You need a comma after disgusting.

As I regained my sense of smell, I realized that there weren’t any zombies about. Instead, there was a large group of people, walking around and glancing fearfully at everything that moved.

I wouldn't really say that you wouldn't know there were any zombies around because of the smell, as you have just said their nose shut down I think it would be a while before they could smell properly again, so maybe they could just tell from looking around?

walking around and glancing fearfully at everything that moved.

Something moved near me.

As you have just said moved I'd change one of them to something else.

I noticed that her hair was supposed to be carefully kept in some sort of cinnamon bun shape, but had come undone and had several strands floating at odd angles from her head.

This sounds a bit wrong to me- how do you know it was supposed to be kept in a tight bun shape? Maybe instead you could say about her hair coming loose from what would have been a tight bun.

At that moment, however, a loud noise startled me.

I'd leave out the 'however'- I don't think you need it.

A computerized Stephen Hawking voice began to speak.

Stephen Hawkings voice is computerised so you can't computerise it more- which is how this sentence sounds. If you added a comma after computerised and put style on the end of Stephen Hawking it might make more sense.

“For the past century,” it said, “mankind has been trying to stomp out prejudices of race, religion, gender, and other such identifying factors. They have eliminated the vast majority of hatred and bigotry slowly and steadily. But even today, groups are persecuted, hunted down, and killed for no reason other than simple dietary preference. It is a crime.”

!

“And this is a wrong that must be righted. As your Martin Luther King Junior said, ‘The time is always right to do what’s right.’ And that time is now.”

As the voice is trying to stop people from thinking of Zombies as differently to humans I would not say 'your Martin Luther King', instead just saying Marting Luther King.

I'd get rid of beginning sentences with 'And', they work just as well without it.

The screen changed again, this time showing a odd looking laboratory-type setting

'a odd' needs to be an odd

but reeled back as the scent of advancing zombies infested my nose

I'd say nostrils instead of nose- just my preference so ignore me if you think differently

Her face flickered and vanished

As you have just said that the screen flickers on I'd change the flickered here so as not to repeat the word.

I halted my running.

I'm not that keen on this sentence- either 'I halted' or 'I stopped running' might work better.

Love the ending!

Overall comments: I think you have done brilliantly writing this, I was grinning all the way through. You have managed to turn something creepy into something very funny

In other stories I would advise adding more description to a piece like this- how does the cavern they are in look? What is the character feeling? What does he look like? And although I think you could add more of this in, you don't really need all that much as its a different style piece that works well as it is. It doesn't have to be realistic because its entertaining

You have done well in sentence structuring and punctuation- you definitely have a skill for writing.

Hope I've helped! *Star*

Thank you, Pippiedooda and Crazy Sock Lover (117) for your reviews. I feel informed.

Just one question, though.

Pippiedooda wrote:

The person looming in the pale hallway light was slightly odd. It appeared to be missing its head.

As you already say 'the person' I would change 'It appeared' to they appeared and 'missing its head' to they're head.

Why am I making it plural?

Woops sorry meant to say 'their head'
sorry about that! I thought that it would be better to say they and their as you have already referred to them as a person and so to then say 'it' sounded a bit odd to me. Just my preference though

Nice. So it lacked desciption, imagery, soul, depth, all that... But I suppose that was the point, hmm? It made me smile

I can't really criticise much, which rather defeats the purpose of a critique, but just mention that to get the comedy over more, you should try not to over-emphasise. Subtely is key... hey, what am I talking about? Zombies & subtlety?

I'm not too sure about the ending... It seems a bit off, somehow.

Good job! Except one part were the Zombie Watch Committee guy answers the phone saying "Brains?" Wouldn't one be a bit suspicious? Strange way to awnser the phone i think

blackpencil wrote:Good job! Except one part were the Zombie Watch Committee guy answers the phone saying "Brains?" Wouldn't one be a bit suspicious? Strange way to awnser the phone i think

Zombies in my universe are only able to say "Brains". That's why they had to use a synthesized voice to spread propaganda, and why the zombie answered the phone like that.

Good job, I was very entertained. I was going to nitpick it but Pippiedooda pretty much covered all that. As for the ending, what if you got rid of the last two sentences? So that it just ended with you seeing the daylight beyond the bagpiper. IDK, I think that would make a pretty strong ending, because as it stands I agree with you. The ending is off. Hope that helped and good luck with the contest.

See, I thought about that, but the ending lacked the certain random style that the rest had, and seeing daylight is a bit serious.

Thanks for the advice, though!

I really enjoyed your story! I love zombies
they are so cool! do u have a a sequel?
if not you should make one.
It does lack just a teeny bit but other than that
it rox