Russian Roulette

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The sun shines through the bathroom window, casting four mottled rectangles of light across the floor. With her back against the closed door, Sally Sutherland lines up groups of white round painkillers along the ground. Counting them slowly, she decides that sixty-seven will do it. She lifts the first three pills to her mouth, drowns them in water and forces them down. Freedom fills her body. Peace at last. As she reaches for another three, the sound of the front door being swung open breaks the peace, allowing rivers of alarm to rush through it.
“Sal? You home?”
She scoops up the pills, shaking, and returns them to the bottle.
“I’m-I’m upstairs. Just a second.”
Click.


Bob Scott opens the door of his car and sits down. For metaphorical effect, he figures he might as well buckle his seatbelt; this is going to be the last ride of his life. Turning on the ignition, he sits back in his chair, closes his eyes and breathes deeply. Not long now until the garage will fill with fumes.
“By Thy resurrection from the dead, O Christ, death no longer hath dominion over we who die in holiness. O Lord, may my faithful soul, through your mercy, rest in peace.”
His wife flings open the car door, her face panic stricken.
“Bob? What the hell are you doing?!”
Click.


Looking over the edge of the building, Sophia Wilson can see her colleagues leaving for lunch, scurrying like ants in all different directions. A cold gust whips past her, but she is still too hot. Taking off her jacket she holds it up like flag and releases it to be captured and flicked away by the wind, it floats like a feather downwards to the pavement. Perfect.
She sits on the railing, her feet dangling in the abyss of nothingness beneath her. She pictures herself standing and jumping; throwing herself over the edge and being gone. From up so high, her blue dress would flutters in the wind as she plummets. So beautiful; the onlookers would half expect her body to, like a china plate, shatter into a thousand pieces on the pavement below. She hears footsteps behind her, sharp stilettos on the cracked concrete.
“Sophia? What are you doing sweetie?”
Click.


Elizabeth Davidson sits on the side of the bath running her fingers over the surface of the warm water. A tingle of anticipation flows from her fingers through her body. She stands, steps in and lies down, her head under the water. Calm engulfs her body and mind. This is it. She waits, feeling the tightness in her chest rising like a wave. The shrill ringing of the phone echoes in her ears; she shoots upright, gasps for air and grabs the phone.
“Hello..?”
“I’m so sorry I couldn’t call earlier. I hope you didn’t do anything stupid.”
“Of course not, just taking a bath…”
Click.


Daniel Parker raises the gun to his head, the cool metal quiets the voices and, for once, there is complete silence. Control. He feels a stirring under his skin, the inner unseen has been awoken for the last time; his last attempt at rebellion will be successful. He increases the pressure and shifts his index finger on the trigger. The silence is broken by the scream of one. Parasites; they want to feed, to bring him near to death, but never near enough. He raises his face to the mirror and looks himself in the eye for the first time in years. They are sunken into his haggard face, the skin hanging off his bones; he is filled with contempt for what they have made him, for this shell that he has become. His face hardens and he clenches his teeth.
Bang.


-----
Thanks to everyone who has and will review this piece! Just a quick question, I noticed that someone said the names are cliche. They are all mixed names of people I've known in my life, reflecting that suicide is an issue in all walks of life etc. Is this *too* cliche? How could I make it seem less so?
Last edited by dreamintechnicolour on Sun Mar 01, 2009 10:32 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Wow. I like this piece; it has a really haunted feel to it. Gold star for you. :]

The first three pills are liftedto her mouth, drowned in water and forced down

The only problem with this sentence is the passive voice, which you want to avoid. Try
She lifts the pills to her mouth, drowns them in water, forces them down

...or some close variation of that. :]

The car door is swung open by his wife, her face panic stricken.

Another example of the passive voice. Try
The car door swings open. It's his wife, her face panic stricken.


So beautiful; the onlookers would half expect her body to, like a china plate, shatter into a thousand pieces on the pavement below.

I love this part. Very...eerie. ;]

All in all, it's really good. :)
'Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.' - Zelda Sayre Fitzgerald




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Wow, this was really really good. Like, at first, I didn't know what I was getting into when I decided to read this because at first I thought it was gonna be a murder piece or something along those lines. But the way it was formatted was brilliant and I can't say that I found anything wrong with it grammatically.

Again I wanna commend you on the wonderful format as well as the way you touched into different emotions of each character (even if their names were a little cliche.)
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.




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Excellent. Very good work, but try to avoid passive voice.
If you're learning from your mistakes, you shouldn't be making the same ones again.




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I’m…I’m upstairs. Just, just a second.”


When 'stammering' use a hyphen. Well, at least I think you should use a hyphen.

Taking off her jacket she holds it up like flag and releases it to be captured and flicked away by the wind, it floats like a feather downwards to the pavement.


I think the comma should be changed from a, well, comma, to a period, and then have a new sentence start.

I guess others already touched up on the passive voice. I'm sure I use it too.

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS~
A very powerful piece. The format is amazing. I love the whole "Click, bang" thing. Very cool. I opened the piece, and scrolled down to see the length, and the bolds caught my eye so I began reading.

Again, very powerful.

Good job.
"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.

Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth."

-- Oscar Wilde




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This was really, really good.

On to the review:


she decides that 67 will do it.


'67' should be written as 'sixty-seven.' I'm sorry, I just hate numbers in writing.


The first three pills are lifted to her mouth


Try to keep from writing in passive voice. I would suggest changing it to "She lifts three pills to her mouth," or something similar.


Redundancies:

sound of the front door swinging open breaks the peace


The car door is swung open by his wife


'Swinging/swung open' is used twice. To help, change the second sentence (which is also written in passive voice) to "His wife opened the car door."


“Sal…? You home?”


The ellipsis is unnecessary. This applies to all of the 'insert name...?' that are in the piece.


“I’m…I’m upstairs. [s]Just,[/s] just a second.”


When your characters are stammering, it is best to use a hyphen. The second 'just' weighs down the sentence.


the onlookers would half expect her body to, like a china plate, shatter into a thousand pieces on the pavement below.


The imagery here is beautiful.


“Of course not, just taking a bath…”


The ellipsis is unnecessary.


The silence is broken by the scream of [s]just [/s]one


This was very powerful, but the 'just' slows it down.


Click.


I really liked all of the 'click's. It was a creative way to break apart the stories.

Bang.


The 'bang' was very clever. It was a change from a 'click, which made it more dramatic and final. Very clever.


Overall thoughts:

This was really good. You have talent, and should keep writing. Try to avoid passive tense; it ruins the story. I thought that it was clever to play different angles of suicide using a wide variety of people and situations. The 'click's helped to add to the suspense, and once again, the 'bang' was absolutely fantastic. Gold star.


--Alex
"Imagination was given to a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is." - Oscar Wilde

"Life is a daring adventure, or nothing." - Helen Keller




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Wow. Well, everyone's done all the nit-picking already.

I really liked this. The present tense suits it well, like all these things are happening at once, and they are all connected by their death wishes. I also like how you made them all have their preferences to death: overdose, carbon dioxide poisoning, drowning, etc. It seems to me that they all prefer their choice of death because they each think it is more effective than the other.

Anyway, great job! *gold star*


~Sunny




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This was a really good piece! Haunting, all that jazz. It drew me in, definitely. However, I'd like to see it expanded, especially your characters. You've laid the groundwork for us readers; give us some backstory, give us some frontstory. What happens after this? How are these characters' lives intertwined? You have a great premise for a story, something that could easily turn into something submittable for publication.

I did notice a few errors in this paragraph:

Elizabeth Davidson sits on the side of the bath running her fingers over the surface of the warm water. A tingle of anticipation flows from her fingers through her body. She stands, steps in and lies down, her head under the water. Calm engulfs her body and mind. This is it. She waits, feeling the tightness in her chest rising like a wave. The shrill ringing of the phone echoes in her ears; she shoots upright, gasps for air and grabs the phone.


Comma after "bath" in first sentence, and overall, the whole paragraph seems a bit too "flowy." Weird, right, since we love to have rhythm and flow? I think, however, if you varied your sentence length a bit, tweaked it a tad, then it would "flow" much better. :)

Try italicizing your characters' thoughts, too. It makes for a more powerful effect.

Great job! I look forward to reading more of your work. :) If you have any questions, feel free to pm me!

Wiggy/Mary ;)
"I will have to tell you, you have bewitched me body and soul..." --Mr. Darcy, P & P, 2005 movie
"You pierce my soul." --Cpt. Frederick Wentworth

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Nicely done.

I didn't get the title until I realized towards then end that all of the other people considering suicide are stopped by someone, therefore they get a blank shot at them, then the last one has no one to stop him so he gets the bullet.

It's very clever and I think it represents all the different ages and types of people that consider suicide and how they would do it.

I would have liked to know a little more background on each of them.

I think you could expand this and make it a bit longer. I feel like you could make it really good.

It was very well written though.

I enjoyed reading and don't think it was cliche. I thought it was a pretty fresh and original idea actually.

-Rory
All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, and I promise you something great will come of it.

-Benjamin Mee




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Hey =]

Well everyone else seems to have already picked out the mistakes, but I really felt that I needed to comment on how much I enjoyed reading this. Even though the topic of the story wasn't exactly positive, I still found it a great read.

I was a bit confused at first when you switched narrators/characters, but then I realised that it was the style of the piece.

It flowed well and I think you did a good job of linking them all together - different forms of suicide.

You could have spent a tiny bit more on each section so we got more of a chance to sympathise with the character but I still think it's great as it is :D

Great job!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.



"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll