Untitled (for now)

The castle looked magnificent when you looked at it from outside. It was by no means as large as any of the other castles in Velekrikorn ,yet it was the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen. It was painted in a soft golden color and it had scarlet roses growing on its walls. There was a vast garden stretching out before it ,full of rose bushes ,red roses .They were favorites of countess Alia Catherine Shenrik ,the widow who lived there with her adolescent daughter ,countess Scarlet Anne Shenrik.
To the countess ,nothing was more important than her daughter’s welfare in life and with the not too feministic views she had ,it was no wonder she thought there was no other way but to marry her daughter off to someone rich. Her life had been controlled by her parents for most of the time and she had certain unshakable ideas about life and her meaning into it. When Alia was a young ,not just young but an astoundingly beautiful lady her parents thought that the beauty their daughter possessed would help them climb up in society. It wasn’t long after her introduction to the King’s court that Count Shenrik had approached her. Two months later they were married. For the young countess it was no more than a marriage of convenience .For the count ,it was anything but convenience. He was ,like many other young men ,enchanted by her beauty.
By the time the count had realized how shallow his wife was, she had already given him a daughter. Scarlet Anne was a beautiful young baby, that somewhat bonded the troubled couple. In the years to come ,they learned to love each other truly ,his intelligence evening out her beauty ,so it was a huge blow to the countess when her husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. The cause is still unknown, although many believe it to be a suicide.
It was that day that she swore to fulfill her husband’s desire ,she believed it to be his last. He wanted Scarlet to marry someone with the rank of a duke or higher. She would do it no matter what .
Everyone in the nearby village knew that story well ,yet everyone admired the beauty of the castle and it’s mistresses and everyone wished they could be them.
To sixteen year old Scarlet the castle had been more of a prison cell than anything else for two years now. Her mom had made her fate quite clear and nothing Scarlet would say would shake her mum’s ludicrous ideas away. She tried ,in vain to explain to her mum how there was no way her mum could make her do anything she didn’t want to , and that her fate had already been decided by herself ,she was going to find the book.
It was a mystical treasure , with empty pages that were said to posses a power to no measure. It was said that once a person wrote a wish in it ,no matter what that wish might be ,that wish will most certainly came true. However , only one person had been known to have written in the book. His desire had been for people to learn of the book ,to know that exists and it had happened. The legend said that people all over Velekrikorn heard the strange ,mystical voice that seemed to echo all over the lands : The desire has been fulfilled ,the book has been found ,the book of the impossible is not just a legend ,not just a legend ,I repeat ,Sir Rion has found it and made it useful. The book will remain here to serve the brave .” – Nothing is known of the man’s fate after that .Only the fact that the book is still there is known and people have set out on dangerous journeys. The casualties were many . No one has returned . Everyone has been looking in vain ,but Scarlet knew that it was her destiny ,her fate. The instant she heard about the book she felt a need ,no that wasn’t the right word ,she felt a craving to find it. It was vital for her to find it. Nothing would stop her. No amount of persuasions were enough to make her give up. It was like she was bound to the book ,like her whole being was centered around it for the rest of her life and nothing else mattered.

Firstly, there's the grammatical issue of comma positioning. You've placed commas at the start of the next word, when they should be at the end of the previous word.

full of rose bushes ,red roses

Just say full of red rose bushes

Also if Alia Catherine is the countess, her daughter can't also be the countess (Unless in this fantasy world titles are different) If so, instead of saying "The countess" you should use their names because its confusing when there are two countesses.

When Alia was a young ,not just young but an astoundingly beautiful lady

Saying "was a young" sounds like young is a noun which it isn't. Just say - "When Alia was a young and astoundingly beautiful lady"

It flows much better that way. Before it is as if you are speaking the story and you change your mind about what you want to say. One of the best things about writing is that if you change your mind you can delete what you started to say.

It is also confusing how it starts with Alia Catherine and her daughter Scarlet Anne, then goes back to Alia Catherine meeting her husband, then to Scarlet Anne's birth. You should put the paragraph's in chronological order.

I'd say the biggest flaw in this piece is something that I and most authors have been guilty of, especially when we first start. It uses lots of words when few will do. If I were you I would go through this with a red pen and cross out any words, sentences or paragraphs that don't add to the plot or help clarify a point. Then I'd try to find more concise ways of expressing every phrase, sentence and paragraph.

George Orwell's policy was: If a word doesn't have a purpose, cut it out.

Your plot is hidden amongst bunches words that should be cut out.

Less Is More.

Thank you. I am working on my second draft. I don't understand what you mean by the titles though.
When a count marries someone they share the title ,then the title is also given to their eldest child and in some places to all their children ,am I not correct?

Yes, the children do inherit their parent's titles, but only when their parents die or step down. A King's son isn't a king when he's born, he's a prince. He only becomes King when his father dies or decides to pass the title on. The same goes for countesses, although I'm not sure that there is a title for the children of counts and countesses as there are for kings and queens.

Edit: The next rank down in nobility from count is viscount, perhaps the daughter would be viscountess. Don't take my word for it though. Then again, It's a fantasy world so it doesn't have to follow the same rigid structure of British nobility.

Oh wow. Guess I'll just make mine a little different, then. Thanks for that little fact, though.

Hello! I saw chapter 3 and decided to review chapters one and two as well.

Punctuation: You have unnecessary spaces between commas and periods. You put a comma right after the word, <--- like what I've done just there. The same thing goes for periods.

To go into a bit more detail for punctuation, here is a useful guide.

Pronouns and nouns: Please, go through this and add nouns in place of some of those pronouns. Pronouns are "she" "her" "him" and other such words. Nouns are "Countess Scarlet" and others. Throughout the whole opening I thought the "her" that was being discussed was Scarlet. When I discovered it was the mother, I just got confused.

Showing vs. Telling: This whole thing is telling right now. You tell us the book was found, you tell us the castle was a prison, you tell us what Scarlet wants to do. Now, you might say that you need to tell us the mother's backhistory. I agree to a point, but you don't really need to tell us right now. Since your MC (main character) is Scarlet, start with an actual scene introducing her properly. Give us her thoughts about the castle, her mother and the book slowly, over about three pages.

Here is an article explaining the finer points between showing and telling.

Questions? Send me a PM.

~Rosey

Oh that was my previus draft. I have made it way better in my other draft that's also posted here. I know itr's confusing which is why I followed Hippie's advice and put it in chronological order so it makes more sense.

Oh that was my previus draft. I have made it way better in my other draft that's also posted here. I know itr's confusing which is why I followed Hippie's advice and put it in chronological order so it makes more sense.