Little-Huge Void

(My rythm sucks, I know, I'm really struggling with it. . .)


In this little-huge void I build my fortress
And in this sensitive-strong emptiness I hide my heart.
These prison bars are my safety
And these crushing chains my security.

In this blackness of my soul my monsters lie.
And from here the poison spreads.
Half-heartedly I go through life
And loving comments bounce off like rocks.
Numb, that’s the norm of me.

Reality sinks as I realize,
I’m the captive and the captor.
But the poison keeps on spreading
And my being sinks in quicksand.

If we were made to love
Then I must be a dud
And if we were made to feel,
I’m experiencing a malfunction.

Incapable of letting go,
Incapable of love.
Strike me,
Hold me,
Kill me.

Save me from myself,
Save me,
So that I can feel again.

Hi, ConfusingSillyLittleGirl.

I found that the best part of your poem is the ending - the gradually diminishing lengths of lines is very effective, and the repetition of

Strike me,
Hold me,
Kill me.

was very effective. Moving on!

In the first two lines, note the lines in bold:

In this little-huge void I build my fortress
And in this sensitive-strong emptiness I hide my heart.

I see what you're trying to achieve here, and it's good that you're endeavouring to use more advanced techniques such as juxtaposition. However, I would think it better to juxtapose more subtly than this, because (please don't be offended) it seems as if you are hyphenating the opposite words for the sake of putting them next to each other.

Moving on...

Then I must be a dud

I feel that the word "dud" is a bit informal and could be replaced with something much better and much more representative of the persona's feelings towards herself.

Finally, I don't think your rhythm is that bad. I actually quite like the semi-free verse style you have incorporated.

Overall, nice work here.

Best wishes in your writing!

~ timeless

I like the message of this poem, even though it is a bit darker. I have a few nitpicks though. First off, when you say "And loving comments bounce off like rocks," the 'and' doesn't sound quite right. Could you change it to 'the'? That would flow better. I also agree with Timeless on the fact that 'dud' sounds too informal and out-of-place. And the hyphenated words could be done a bit more subtly, but I didn't dislike them that much. Altogether, well done.

I absolutely loved the ending of your poem, I did. The increasingly smaller line lengths added a desperation to the piece that really helps the reader to understand what the poet is going through. Good work!

I especially liked stanza three, line two - it's a nice play on words and the contrast between the two really works together in that one line. I pretty much like the whole of stanza three anyway; you used some good imagery in it and I think you grabbed a'hold of your flow for the poem at that very point.

I agree that perhaps your flow is a bit off through the piece - but for the life of me I couldn't tel lyou how to improve it. I'm pretty sucky at stuff like that. Perhaps shortening some of the lines could help? Even if you just carry them onto another line? I don't know - ignore that.

All in all, I really liked this and you showed what you meant to say in such an original way - good work!

Nice work! I like the originality of this poem, it really is one of a kind, even if the message is a bit dark.

I have to agree that the flow of it is a bit off, but I don't think the rhythm was that bad. Actually, like Timeless, I kind of liked the free verse part of it, I thought that it sort of made it a bit more...dramatic? Not quite the word I'm looking for, but you get my drift.

Also, the way you ended it wrapped everything up nicely, and also added to the...dramatic effect. I really can't find the word I'm looking for here, because "dramatic" definately isn't it...it's more of...a mixture of haunting and dramatic all together. It's really good!

Lastly, about that "juxtaposition" that Timeless mentioned, I really have no idea what it is, but even so, I think that you could have been a bit subtler with it, merely because you sort of confused me with the opposing words and stuff.

Overall, a good poem! Keep working at it, you'll get it eventually!

- Claeren

Hey, thanks so much guys! I read your reveiws and I understand what you are saying, thanks again, I'll go work on it )