Risking Raindrops

So here I am!
Take it or leave it,
I bear all
(My sin and joy).
Honesty comes
But once in a relationship
And this is your moment
To dance in the puddles.

Is it the boy
Or the partner I want?
Lips tangle like
Fishing hooks
As we drown on words
Only half-swallowed.

So here I am,
Naked and unarmed
Before you.
Will you let go
Before the water gets too deep
Or will you do
The perfect cannonball
Taking the risk and
Pulling me along for the ride?

hmm.. line breaks seem rather awkward. I think this sounds better read aloud, too.

hehe.. gunn liked the fishing hooks line (creepy, just a bit thinking about it..)

I thought this was pretty good. When I first read, I wasn't sure what I thought of it because it's not my style, but after reading it again, it is a good poem. Some of the linebreaks as Meshugenah stated threw me off and some of your words sounded rather awkward (the word 'puddles' bugged me...not sure why), but overall, I liked it. The ending was cool.
Nice job...keep writing

So here I am!
Take it or leave it,
I bear all
(My sin and joy).
Honesty comes
But once in a relationship
And this is your moment
To dance in the puddles.
The first line didn't really establish the mood of the poem very well. I think just by removing the exclamation point that could be solved. Also, parenthesis are unnecessary, I found them distracting. I liked the lines "honesty comes but once in a relationship". That was really cool. I also like the puddles line.


Is it the boy
Or the partner I want?
Lips tangle like
Fishing hooks
As we drown on words
Only half-swallowed.
Good imagery. First two lines were really good.

So here I am,
Naked and unarmed
Before you.
Will you let go
Before the water gets too deep
Or will you do
The perfect cannonball
Taking the risk and
Pulling me along for the ride?
I don't know about the cannonball line, but I liked the rest of it, especially "will you let go before the water gets too deep".

EDIT: Forgot to mention that I love the title.

Hmm... Perhaps "the perfect dive" would fit better? Anyway, thanks for the critique.

The first line is just horrible. Why not just write "Hello! I'm writing this poem. Come and share my emotions! Woohoo!" Okay, exaggeration, but you might understand my point. It just seems so tacky and redundant.

I agree also that the parenthesis doesn't work. Just interrupts the flow. If you really want to keep them, I always think it's better to have them on the same line, otherwise they become pointless if they have a line of their own. The "but" of the next line I also find is not needed, would be better said as "Honest comes once/in a relationship".

Last two lines are great.

Here's how I would restructure it (personally):

"Take me or leave me,
I bear all (sin and joy).
Honesty comes once
in a relationship
And this is your moment
To dance in the puddles.

Second stanza is fine...

Third stanza...

"So here I am, <------------Once again, kill it. Not needed.
Naked and unarmed
Before you. <----- bring back onto the line above, line break seems silly.
Will you let go
Before the water gets too deep
Or will you do
The perfect cannonball <-----Eh? Strange metaphor. But if it holds some sort of meaning to you, keep it by all means.
Taking the risk and
Pulling me along for the ride?" <-----Nice finish.


My suggested restructure....

"Naked and unarmed before you,
Will you let go
Before the water gets too deep
Or will you do
The perfect cannonball
Taking the risk and
Pulling me along for the ride?"

Good job anyway.

the poem felt bare, there was no warmth in it. i felt it was a little over explained. restructuring a bit (as suggested by jack) would deifintely help. really though it's up to you how you want to change it but it hink adding some mystery here and there (taking out lines like the first three in the last verse might help, they felt unnecessary).

the lines "is it the boy or the partner i want" were very simple but effective. maybe, though, it would be better to move those lines around a bit so they have a postion of more importance? perhaps seperating from the rest of the verse if that doesn't screw everything up too much?

anyhoops, good job.

This is very good and well-written. It makes sense and it is very fluent. I love the poetic nature to it, and the whole thing about cannonballs and fishing hooks was beautiful.

I really like the analogies to water here, and how they mean different things yet are a connected whole. "This is your moment to play in the puddles" a beautiful representation of putting aside restraints and enjoying life's simple pleasires. And then the bit about pressing on to the deep waters refers to putting aside fears and reaching for the best. I think it was a very effective use of the analogy.

yeah, the first line didn't really work.

I have no specific suggestions. Just change the tone. It didn't seem to fit was this poem was about.

I like. I loved the way you kept using water-related metaphors, and "Lips tangle like fishing hooks" is really awesome and unique. The anaphora was really well-done too; nice and subtle and didn't mess up the flow. I would omit the exclamation mark from the first line, and I don't get why the 4th line is in parenthesis, but whatever.
Cool!