These are all really good! The same mistake happens in all of them, and that's the rhythm, but it's still pretty good. Also the story is great as well, but did you finish it? because it doesn't seem finished to me.
Anyway, I'd be happy to donate some points to you if I only knew how. If you want some just give me the instructions and I'll donate as many points as I can without going broke and stuff. Think you can do that? If so, please do!
Hi kamasgirl! I'll let you in on a little secret...the best way to get points is to review, review, review! You get up to 50 points per review, which you get by giving quality, detailed reviews. Don't just say you liked something, say why you liked it. Don't just say you didn't like something, suggest an alternative. Also, even though you may have lots of stuff to post, the key is to spread it out. If people see lots of new posts by one person, they're less inclined to review. Two or three times a week is a good maximum.
That said, I enjoyed these poems. They were cute and whimsical. However, like Claeren mentioned, your rhythm is off. Rhyme schemes aren't just about rhyming words; they're about creating a rhythm. Your rhyming lines should all have the same number of syllables, or it doesn't really flow right. I'm not so good at rhyming myself, which is why I stick with free verse.
As for the story, I enjoyed the idea of Alice in Wonderland from the rabbit's perspective. You could definitely flesh that out and finish the story if you wanted to.
Keep writing!
"You do ill if you praise, but worse if you censure, what you do not understand." Leonardo Da Vinci
Ha! I like the second one.
Lotsa imagination!
My reviews are in capitals.
I went on a hunt for a ferplabbit
I ran into a big old rabbit. MAKE THIS: WHEN I RAN...
This rabbit asked me,
If I have seen an strange lady
Who plays the trumpet,
While eating purple crumpets. HA! I WANT PURPLE CRUMPETS!!
I said “Maybe, who’s asking?”
The rabbit said “Why me, the king!”
“Please come to my kingdom
And I will share my wisdom” UM... THESE TWO DONT RHYME AS WELL AS THEY COULD... BUT THEY FIT TOGETHER NICELY SO OH WELL.
So, I bowed deep and low
And decided to follow. SAME WITH FOLLOW AND LOW.
When we got their I met the fool I THINK YOU MEAN: WHEN WE GOT THERE, NOT THEIR!
Who was dancing while playing pool.
He asked me “What time is it?”
“Time to go chase a ferplabbit”
UM NICE. Id say just make some of it flow a little more..... but other than that, I liked it! Especially the purple crumpet part. I will probably review the other ones later but i am too lazy right now so yeah. GOLD STAR!
Be crazy, be wild, be silly...
Because life is too short to be cool.
Uh, this isn't amazing. It depends how old you are, I guess.
I just felt like you were searching for rhymes.
They didn't sound natural, they sounded forced.
It was good ideas, just kind of rough around the edges.
And the second one, might want to format that. Haha. It hurt my eyes to keep scolling accross.
The first poem was very cute made me laugh. I have no real crits for it.
The second poem, on the other hand, has a very irregular rhythm. Also, the rhyme felt very forced, as in you chose words that rhymed and forced the poem to use them. The only way to fix this is through practice.
The third poem also felt very forced. It wasn't as bad, though, since there was some repetition which gave the poem a definite rhythm, and you kept the syllable count about the same for each line.
Overall, your poems were very cute and humorous. I enjoyed them. You have issues with the same things in all of your poems; pay attention to these trouble spots and learn how to fix them. Being aware of them is just the first step to improving those areas.
As for the story, I didn't bother reading it because, quite frankly, it hurt to even look at it. Reformat it, please, with paragraphs.
