Burn/Sharktooth .. not sure of the title

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Speed is anaesthetic, place your foot on the throttle
While you drown yourself in cigarette smoke in a bottle.
It lingers, the feel of her lips on your skin.
An itch that’s on the outside fuelled by darkness within.

Can you taste it? The acrid stench of an unnecessary death?
Can you hear it? The parting wishes from her very last breath.
Can you see it? The orange glow that’s shining right through the haze?
Is it salvation? Or simply just your heart that’s ablaze?

In the hope that one day my idealism can learn,
I think I’ll let my heart burn.

Her final words still explode in your eardrums
You shiver in despair as your limbs start to feel numb
Funny how when you first met her beauty was stunning
And now the beautiful girl has you running and running

Can you taste it? Oxygen from the window seems to poison the air
Can you hear it? The dogmatic buzz from the flies in her hair
Can you see it? The prick of light in cold grey of her eyes
Is it understanding? Or just a reprimand in disguise.

In the hope that one day redemption I can earn.
I think I’ll let my heart burn

She even looks graceful lying face down in the water
Like she couldn’t give a fuck her mum was losing a daughter
The ocean swallows her whole; now just another whoever
You hope she doesn’t get bored as she lies there forever.

Can you taste it? The salt breeze that draws blood from your tongue
Can you hear it? The deadly oxygen vacating her lungs
Can you see it? The stealing of all directions by the colour of lead
Its devoured salvation; your salvation is dead.

While the world has absorbed all that used to be bright
A flicker remains, cos’ my heart’s still alight.

You stare at the ripples and know its fucked that you miss her
But you gave her it all and now she’s taken it with her.
Solemn music plays on your harpsichord – heartstrings
And the waves dance seductive while your sorrowful soul sings:

Can you taste it? Salty tears that meander your cheeks; red
Can you hear it? A constant echo of the sweetest things she said
Can you see it? Porcelain doll that once glowed from your shelf
Cos’ killing her you’ve really killed a part of yourself

But these minutes are infinite and I can hardly remember
My heart slowly simmers, transformed black from the embers

You fly in silence as you soar over the ocean
Gravity, spiteful, seems to work in slow-motion
Your soul is at peace now, just like a beautiful dream
Cos there’s nothing inside you; your lungs hold no scream.

Can you taste it? The liquid knives rushing to fill the abyss
Can you hear it? You laugh as you descend into a mystical bliss
Can you see it? A light in the distance, precious diamond in the dark.
Is this redemption? Or is it just the tooth of a shark?

Just know that I can’t even feel a thing anymore
But I’m sure you’ve heard those words before
And believe I can’t believe in love anymore
And I know you’ve heard those words before.
But no apologies baby cos’ you just don’t deserve it
I have no regrets because I know you were worth it.
I have no regrets because you just don’t deserve it.
I apologise baby cos you were just so damn perfect.

You turned my blood ice babe I can now do without –
So I’ll let watery tombstone come and put my heart out.
I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas. . . . . .

"The Lovesong of J Alfred Prufrock" T.S Eliot




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This was frikin good maaan!

I usually get bored reading long poems, but this held my attention all the way through.

I couldn't pick out any punctuation or spelling mistakes, not that i was especially trying to.

Your rhyming was spot on and went well with the rhythm

I could really feel the emotion through the words, and i liked the twist at the end.

The repetition of the senses worked well to reinforce the emotion in the main body.

Overall, nicely done!

Gold star from myself... or i might have clicked it twice by accident... anyhoow

laters
i'm so lost x5




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Points 890
Reviews 15
Quite nice... very dark.

Interesting imagery. It enhances the dark/almost depressing tone of the poem/song.

As for punctuation and spelling mistakes, none seen.

I must say that you don't have to follow such a rigid style. Some authors do not restrict themselves to a certain rhyme scheme, and some don't even have correct grammar, choosing to go with what makes the poem flow instead of what sounds correct. Try it sometime. (I'm not saying you have to...)

Anyways, keep writing. This was very emotionally charged and stirred my feelings. Writing like this can probably get you far, should you become an author
"I know my apprehensions might never be allayed, and so I close, realizing that perhaps the ending has not yet been written." -- Myst: The Book of Atrus




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Points 1947
Reviews 26
Wow that was a brilliant poem.
Well done,
I can only imagine the amountb of work that was put into this,
it seemed flawless.
You can easily put a lot of well known poets to shame.
Impossible is a word to be found in a dictionary of fools- M. Thatcher



You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?
— Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid