Prone to Weakness

This is part of my first chapter of Prone to Weakness. I hope you like it and help me improve:D. Please Rate when your finished!


Barely gripping his glass of vodka, Alden giggled happily to himself. The bartender shook his head and laughed as Alden continued slopping down more of the mystical liquid that he could handle. Though, some wouldn't know it, he was a rather a good drunk. Since the age of ten, he had gained plenty of practice and knowledge of his limits.

After his third glass, he rose to his feet firmly with his fourth. Finally, he was beginning to unwind after an unforgiving day at his father’s law firm. He didn’t have much time though; he would have to be back in England the day after tomorrow. Right now his father thought Alden was diligently studying on his “class field trip” to the United States Supreme Court. It was a beautiful lie that only true genius could take credit for. Only Alden that is. A break from his "supreme overlord", also known as Dad, was what he really needed today. No rules, regulations, black ties, and what he detested most, fake smiles. Tonight was his night. Marco cocked his head to the side at a passing stranger. A sinister smile swept over his face.

"Come here gorgeous!" Marco hollered. The young woman spun into his arm.

"What's wrong with you, get off me!" she growled attempting to reclaim her skirt.

"You're darling." She struggled to shake her body loose, but he grabbed her again.

"Care to…BURP"

"Ah sick!" the girl groaned taking in a nose-full.

His breath traveled through the headlights like a deadly stink bomb hovering over innocent victims. Marco quickly covered his mouth subconsciously allowing his captive to escape. He watched her disappear into the neon blinking lights over the dance floor. Alden chuckled. "That was funny” he thought. Usually he was more suave with his ladies. It was a point off his perfect record he noted.

“Its so difficult being perfect.”

Short puffs of air was coming from Marco's lungs, suddenly it felt extremely stuffy in here. He paid the bartender and grabbed his coat to leave. Just as he expected the night was cool and breezy. His breathing began to settle as the cool air spewed through him. The breeze started to carry him to a familiar place, somewhere a long time ago.

He imagined himself on the beach with the most important woman in his life holding him close. He could smell the salt breeze sting his nose a little and the soft smooth sand encircling them. She would say I love you, then he would sing it back to her and hear her laugh. Ahhhh...her laugh, he missed it so much. He remembered it so clearly this time, like a pig choking on its breath. It maybe have been irritating sound to some but, he loved that about her. He loved everything about her. He loved her long black sleek hair, like curtains brushing his cheek, and the cool feeling it had. He loved to think about her. No one could take these precious memories away. Marco focused deeply on her touch as she used to stroke his hair. So relaxing...

"YOU'RE SUCH A TRAMP!" Marco's head tanked from the clouds and immediately turned towards the direction of the noise. He sighed heavily. Whoever just ruined his moment better have a good explanation.



Rate me:D, click the little stars!!!

Hi good beginning! I like how you've added in the flashback, it really adds to the mystery around the main character. I like how you've ended this part too- I hope you write more

The bartender shook his head and laughed as Alden continued slopping down more of the mystical liquid that he could handle.

'that he could handle' seems a little tagged on the end here to me. I'd get rid of it, I think the sentence might work fine without it but if you think it is neccessary you could begin a new sentence saying something like 'Alden could handle his drink-' at the beginning of 'though some wouldn't know it,'

A sinister smile swept over his face.

"Come here gorgeous!" Marco hollered. The young woman spun into his arm.

"What's wrong with you, get off me!" she growled attempting to reclaim her skirt.

Its not very clear what happened here- I think you need to say that he spun her into his arms and that he grabbed her skirt. I'm not sure if sinister is the right word here either as he sounds more drunk than menacing.

I got quite confused here as you switched people- I think you do need to say something about Alden watching Marco or observing him as this all happened.

"Ah sick!" the girl groaned taking in a nose-full.

'the' should have a capital at the beginning and there needs to be a comma after groaned.

Alden chuckled. "That was funny” he thought. Usually he was more suave with his ladies.

As this is a thought, I'd put it in italics.

Short puffs of air was coming from Marco's lungs, suddenly it felt extremely stuffy in here. He paid the bartender and grabbed his coat to leave. Just as he expected the night was cool and breezy. His breathing began to settle as the cool air spewed through him. The breeze started to carry him to a familiar place, somewhere a long time ago.

Are Marco and Alden the same people? I'm kind of confused

I don't think 'spewed' is the right word to use here- rushed might work better or something similar.

Instead of just 'started to carry him' I'd say 'carry his thoughts'.

Ahhhh...her laugh, he missed it so much. He remembered it so clearly this time, like a pig choking on its breath.

Lol!

He loved her long black sleek hair, like curtains brushing his cheek, and the cool feeling it had.

I'd ge rid of 'and the cool feeling it had'- it doesn't really fit. I'd add against after brushing too.

"YOU'RE SUCH A TRAMP!" Marco's head tanked from the clouds and immediately turned towards the direction of the noise.

I'm not sure what you mean by 'tanked from the clouds'- something like 'Marco snapped out of his day dreaming' might work better.

Overall: I got quite confused with Alden and Marco- are they the same person? If so why did you switch names? If they are not then why switch the perspective of the characters so early on? If they are different characters I think you need to make it clear that Alden is watching Marco.

Marco does sound very drunk so if he is Alden I'm not sure whether the begining about him 'handling his drink' is right. Maybe you could mention something about him going a bit over the top this time?

You have managed to set the scene well, I think there were a few words you used that seemed out of place but other than that I think your style of writing was good. If Alden is Marco then you have manage to introduce him well- like I said I am very confused about that part!

I haven't noticed many punctuation mistakes- I'm generally not that good in that area though.

I'm interested as to where this is going and hope to read more! I think you might be a bit confused about the star at the top- you only click it once if you think the person has done really well in their writing, not to rate them. I think you do deserve a star though for he way you have set the scene so have one I'd rate you at a 7/10- I think you have got a good story, but I do think that the whole Marco/Aldin thing needs to be cleared up.

Hope I've helped!

lol I didn't mean to make that Alden and Marco mistake wow. Marco was supposed to be taken out and changed to Alden (thats the main character's name). Thankyou so much!! I'm definitely going to make those corrections, thankyou so much for your support! I'll make sure to give you the best review i can:D!

Hello! I will critique your piece today. You do not have to critique mine back. It has been posted for a long time and has plenty of enough reviews. You only have to if you really do wish too. I am afraid it has gotten eaten alive already.

Okay, let's begin.

Barely gripping his glass of vodka, Alden giggled happily to himself.

This kind of makes me kind of smile. It seems to me that he is hopelessly drunk. It is a great way to start it making people want to read on more. It gets them excited, well, at least it made me excited.

The bartender shook his head and laughed as Alden continued slopping down more of the mystical liquid that he could handle.

I would have added a comma in there so that the sentence does not seem to drag on and on. This is what I would do. The bartender shook his head and laughed as Alden continued, slopping down more of the mystical liquid that he could handle. It just breaks it up nicer.

he was a rather a good drunk.

I believe that you added an unneeded 'a' in there.

Finally, he was beginning to unwind after an unforgiving day at his father’s law firm. He didn’t have much time though; he would have to be back in England the day after tomorrow. Right now his father thought Alden was diligently studying on his “class field trip” to the United States Supreme Court.

This part kind of confused me. I did not understand if his father's law firm was in England or the United States. It said he was 'beginning to unwind after an unforgiving day at his father’s law firm' while his father thought he was on a class field trip in the United States. Did Alden get a flight out of England that day to go to the United States, or was his fathers law firm also in the United States, but that would give him no reason to fly to England. You might want to clear that up. I am a very easy person to get confused.

"Come here gorgeous!" Marco hollered. The young woman spun into his arm.


"What's wrong with you, get off me!" she growled attempting to reclaim her skirt.

This part said she spun into his arm. I did not understand that. I thought maybe she willingly spun but then the next line contradicted that. I also could not figure out what she would have to reclaim her skirt. You might want to explain in a bit more detail what was happening. Otherwise, I like the start of the dialogue. It brings a flair to the story.

"You're darling." She struggled to shake her body loose, but he grabbed her again.

I think you should have said something more like "Calm down darling" because right now she is struggling and pushing him away. Also, 'You're darling' doesn't seem to make sense to me. "You are a darling" seems more adequate, yet he is drunk so I understand if he cannot speak in perfect english.

Also you might want to describe how he said it and how she responded with struggling to get loose. I also would have said he tightened his grip rather than grabbing her again because it says nothing about her getting away.

"Care to…BURP"

I would have rather put it; "Care to..." At that moment he belched incredibly loudly and obnoxiously. Or something on the lines of that.

Marco quickly covered his mouth subconsciously, allowing his captive to escape.

Which is the captive? The burp or the girl? I am pretty sure it is the girl but you might want to specify that somewhere. Also, when I was reading it, I thought it was a bit of a delayed reaction to cover his mouth. the noxious smell was already let loose in the bar! What more could escape his mouth other than his foul breath?

You should also put a comma between subconsciously and allowing.

“Its so difficult being perfect.”

Who said that? Was it apart of Alden's thoughts or was it Marco? I also found you used perfect to much in that last little bit of the paragraph. You could probably change one and make it seem less repetitive.

Short puffs of air was coming from Marco's lungs, suddenly it felt extremely stuffy in here. He paid the bartender and grabbed his coat to leave. Just as he expected the night was cool and breezy. His breathing began to settle as the cool air spewed through him. The breeze started to carry him to a familiar place, somewhere a long time ago.

You said it was Marco a little to late here. I was thinking it actually was Alden for a little while. You also were talking in second person with Alden, going into his thoughts before. Now it is Marco. It is vital to distinguish between the characters if you are going to go indepth with both their emotions/thoughts.

with the most important woman in his life holding him close

I thought usually it was the man holding the girl close. I could be wrong. That is just my perosnal opinion. I do not really have a love life so I would not reallly know.

Ahhhh...her laugh, he missed it so much. He remembered it so clearly this time, like a pig choking on its breath.

That there, is my favourite line in this piece. It made me smile.

He loved everything about her. He loved her long black sleek hair, like curtains brushing his cheek, and the cool feeling it had. He loved to think about her.

You do not need the part saying 'the cool feeling it had'. I do not like that. It just rubs me the wrong way. Also, with this part believe that you used the word 'loved' to much. I believe you could have changed some of that maybe to 'adored' or 'admired'.

"YOU'RE SUCH A TRAMP!" Marco's head tanked from the clouds and immediately turned towards the direction of the noise. He sighed heavily. Whoever just ruined his moment better have a good explanation.

I agree with Pippiedooda. That 'tanked out of the clouds' part doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I understand what you were trying to go for, but literally, that didn't make quite as much sense.

Now that that part is over and done with, lets go to my overall evaluation of the piece.

Overall

The Alden and Marco mistake is quite evident, but I understand what you did wrong. I tend to change my main characters names all the time, and I tend to forget that I changed them. It is a habit of mine, but it is easy to fix.

I was incredibly impressed by the grammar. There was little to none grammar mistakes. I think there was two comma mistakes that I caught on to but you can never really know with commas.

I did indeed like this peice. I love reading about drunken people. I really liked the discription of the girl and him on the beach. It can kind of make you smile. I am a sap for romance. I think that is because I myself am too much of a loner for romance but anyways lets continue.

I think you need to work on adding a bit more description. You had some great lines in there, but I think you should try to connect with all five senses and get into more detail of the set. The author's job is to get a story across to the reader, and a lot of the time, readers have different ideas on how the story is played in their head. I believe that when I write, I want to try as hard as I can to get all the readers to think almost the same thing. That is only my personal opinion.

Well, if you fixed up the few things I caught, then I think this piece would do very well. It has a nice plot line and kept me reading right from the beginning.

Thank you.
~Incognito

Hey Muffy! Sorry I hand't reviewed your story yet ( I didn't realize that it was posted). It seems everyone else has done the bulk of reviewing so I guess I'll just say a few things about the general story. I really liked it! The story drew me in (it had the perfect flow ya know?). Continue the story fast!!!!! Becuase I want to know about Aiden, Marco!!!!!

-Dee