Freakshow, edited

The circus I worked for was unlike any other I had ever seen. Life was so surprising there. Well, ever since I had watched my parents be brutally murdered. I could still see their faces contorted with fear and agony as they screamed for help. I still hated myself for not opening the wood oven door, for not preventing them from being bludgeoned over the head. Why? Why did he choose my parents? I swore vengeance to find who killed them, and why. Instead, I hid in a corner, away from the murderer. That was how I got my...."specialty". Seeing my parents die, that is. I can tell when people are going to die, and how. But, along with that power, I can tell the future. Not down to the very last detail, but just the important things.
That's how I found Reg.

Reg is the ringleader, and pretty much my older brother. I never had any siblings, my parent's were too busy. But this, this is how I would imagine a brother. I had many friends at the circus, Nell the contortionist, Lei the trapeze artist, but they weren’t as close as Reg. Reg is pretty young, 25 mabye, and has the softest, cleanest hair, even though we can only bathe once a week. He dyed his hair bright blue, and it reminds me of the ocean. He has a ton of piercings, all along his ears and eyebrows. Compaired to him, I’m pretty plain. Short black hair with two red streaks on my choppy bangs, a boring face, and a thin, small body. I’m sixteen, and I look like a freaking twelve year-old. It’s really sad, actually. The only noticable thing about me is my eyes. They’re a startiling, piercing blue, the type of blue that seems to look right through you. Sad looking eyes with huge pupils and eyelashes that only appear on the bottom lid. Even my name is really boring. Ella. Ella Star. My last name was made up so I sound more mysterious. And so I at least had one.

“Ella! Start getting ready!” Reg called from outside the trailer.I sighed, and then got prepared for the show. You ahve to wake up early for the showsI always paint my face white, with the clown crosses vertically down my face, then slashing across my cheekbones. Then I add four dots under my left eye, while one dot is over my right one. That’s how I look when I “read” someone. Of course, I have to dress the part. Usually, I just grab what ever I can and put it on. Today, it was a black tank with purple tights that had green spots. Then I added a poofy skirt and a few random accesories. It’s funny, really. Having to get so dressed up for something so petty. It’s just not me.

When I hear stories about the kids that run away to join the circus, I just laugh. They think the circus is all fun and games. They think that the circus will just take them in and teach them everything how to be a Carnie. But no. The circus does have a few kids who ran away, but that’s only because they have some talent the others don’t. But the circus isn’t going to take in a bunch of misfits with no talent, none the less teach them how to juggle or stilt. We heve enough of those already. And just forget the trapeze. I’ve been here for three years, I have the most talent, and they still haven’t even thought of teaching me how to work the trapeze. I wasn’t even going to try the it. Not after what happened to Lei. She fell and landed on her hands. Both her wrists were broken, and she couldn’t use them for eight weeks. Yeah, it’s not really for me, anyway. Not enough muscle. Or the guts.

The morning that my life spiraled downward was an exceptionally cheery start to an exceptionally cheery day. The birds were singing, and flowers were everywhere. But as soon as I walked out of my tent, things were starting to get gloomy. There was no more singing from the birds, and the small amount of sun there was was disapearing. I sighed. Even the world was hating me this day. I stared up into the blue sky, and screamed. No reason at all. Not a startled scream, but a full, bloodcurdling scream. The ones that make your throat dry. Everyone came running, asking me if I was okay. Lei came over and hugged me, all protective and motherlike. Totally unlike Miss Run-around-the-place-in-my-bikini. Her elven eyes searched me over for any wounds. She smelled like soap and lavender. Lucky. She had a bath.
“Yeah, um, I um, I saw a huge bug!” I sputtered.
“You sure?” said Reg. Crap. Really, I wasn’t scared of bugs. Once, on a dare, I stuck my hands in a bucket of wax-worms for twenty dollars. Reg was there.
“Well, uh, it was a wasp, and, uh, it was crawling up my arm.” I was allergic to wasp venom.
“A really big wasp like thing, and it wouldn’t come off. Held on real tight.” Reg knew that I was allergic, and that it was a traumatizing thing for me. My face puffs up, and I can’t breathe.
“Okay, just tell us the next time you decide to scream for no reason.” Did I tell you I was a bad liar?

Heya! This sounds much better. I really like this story. The MC seems to have a tormented...uh soul. If that sounds right. It's quite different. The whole circus idea is different and I really like it.

But I just wanted to point one thing out to you. I've seen this mistake lots.

Totally unlike Miss Run-around-the-place-in-my-bikini. “Yeah, um, I um, I saw a huge bug!” I sputtered. “You sure?” said Reg. Crap. Really, I wasn’t scared of bugs. Once, on a dare, I stuck my hands in a bucket of wax-worms for twenty dollars. Reg was there. “Well, uh, it was a wasp, and, uh, it was crawling up my arm.” I was allergic to wasp venom, my only weakness. “A really big wasp like thing, and it wouldn’t come off. Held on real tight.” Reg knew that I was allergic, and that it was a traumatizing thing for me. My face puffs up, and I can’t breathe. “Okay, just tell us the next time you decide to scream for no reason.” Did I tell you I was a bad liar?

Every time a different person is speaking, it needs to be in a new paragraph. Always! It's less confusing and it's proper.

Other than spelling mistakes (I noticed quite a few) that's it. Good job! PM when you post the next part of this story up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

It's really good but the flow of it moves a little quick. To me, it kind of jumped around though it was good in description. There were a few things that got me like:

He dyed his hair bright blue, and it is as blue as the ocean. He has a ton of piercings, all along his ears and eyebrows. Compaired to him, I’m pretty plain. Short black hair with two red streaks on my choppy bangs, a boring face, and a thin, small body. I’m sixteen, and I look like a twelve year-old. It’s really sad, actually. The only noticable thing about me is my eyes.

To me, I kind of stumbled over the 'and's but other than that, I think it was pretty good. The characters were well defined but I didn't get what Lei looked like. That was kind of vague. You should tell more about the fair, for example, you should briefly describe some of Ella's co-workers. Meep. I liked it though! ^-^
Good job!

Okay so here I am to read and review!!!

The circus I worked for was unlike any other I had ever seen. I had worked there since I was thirteen. Ever since I had watched my parents be brutally murdered. I could still see their faces contorted with fear and agony as they screamed for help. I still hated myself for not opening the wood oven door, for not preventing them from being bludgeoned over the head. Why? Why did he choose my parents? I swore vengance to find who killed, them, and why. Instead, I hid in a corner, away from the murderer. That was how I got my...."specialty". Seeing my parents die, that is. I can tell when people are going to die, and how. But, along with that power, I can just tell the future. Not down to the very last detail, but just the important things.

Okay a couple things... first off writing something in first person is totally fine, the only hiccup is that you need to find ways to refer to the character without using "I", to much. It's hard, but when you keep saying "I" it can be distracting. Especially in the first two sentences when you used it 4 times. So I would just try to cut down on a few of them...

"Vengeance" not vengance...

I can just tell the future.

Okay this sentence felt WAY underplayed for me. It was almost like she was writing off the fact that she could tell the future, you know I can JUST tell the future, like it is no big deal. If it were me I would be flipping out and bouncing off the walls. Personally I would reword this, it just makes her awesome power seem kind of dull and worthless.

. He dyed his hair bright blue, and it is as blue as the ocean.

To repetitive for me. I would try something like, "He dyed his hair bright blue, and sometimes it reminded me of the ocean, the way his curls rolled and bounced." Or something different, the whole dyed blue then blue ocean thing just sounds odd.

My last name was made up so I sound more mysterious. And so I at least had one.

Poor girl, i actually feel sorry for her

I stared up into the blue, blue sky

You have already stated that the sky is blue and you don't need to do it again. So take out one of the blues so it is just, "I stared up into the blue sky...."

The ones that make your throught dry

I think you mean throat, not throught

I was allergic to wasp venom, my only weakness.

Beginning part is fine but the "my only weakness" part is kind of... cheesy. Reminded me of something a super-hero would say. If she is allergic to wasp venom then it is obviously a weakness so I would just cut out the last bit.

The ones that make your throught dry. Everyone came running, asking me if I was okay. Lei came over and hugged me, all protective and motherlike. Totally unlike Miss Run-around-the-place-in-my-bikini. “Yeah, um, I um, I saw a huge bug!” I sputtered. “You sure?” said Reg. Crap. Really, I wasn’t scared of bugs. Once, on a dare, I stuck my hands in a bucket of wax-worms for twenty dollars. Reg was there. “Well, uh, it was a wasp, and, uh, it was crawling up my arm.” I was allergic to wasp venom, my only weakness. “A really big wasp like thing, and it wouldn’t come off. Held on real tight.” Reg knew that I was allergic, and that it was a traumatizing thing for me. My face puffs up, and I can’t breathe. “Okay, just tell us the next time you decide to scream for no reason.” Did I tell you I was a bad liar?

And as Meadowlark already stated make sure you start a new paragraph every time someone talks.


Good job. Your sentences actually flow really well and for me they are very easy to read. Just make sure you use spell check to avoid those little things. Other then that I liked it! Keep up the good work!