In Defense of Mankind

This is something I'm pondering whether I should continue or not...give your honest (aka devastating) opinion about it, so I can change what is needed, and know should I continue at all. And yes, I do hate the title myself, couldn't just think of any other...it needs a name you see...


In Defense of Mankind

Chapter One

You believe that the wall separating civilization from barbarism is as solid as steel, but it is not. I tell you the division is a thread, a sheet of glass.
-Kyril Sindermann





Countless majestic explosions littered the slowly rotating red Agamemnon, a star named after one of the ancient kings of old Earth. The solar winds caused by the explosions lashed out into the emptiness of space, as if searching for something to obliterate in order to calm the star's fiery heart. All this gave the star the appearance of the centre of a gigantic, hellish volcano. It was an ancient star, quite near the end of its life, though to call it's death "near" by any other standards than the measures of stars, would have been lying. It radiated light in amounts incalculable around it, giving life and illumination to the three planets orbiting it, Etreus, Romanai, and Argivius. Though the sun remained unchanged as it had for ten billion years and would for another hundred thousand, the planets around it were soon to receive far more abrupt and violent change in the form of the Angels of Death; the Space Marines.


Every breath was like a wall of ice cold spikes being run into his chest, every step a boulder more to be dragged by his already faltering feet. He was wandering across a dark red wasteland where dreamlike pillars of crimson stone rose from the ground like spears of frozen blood. He was exhausted beyond measure, every second robbing him of strength like aging a decade. He was alone. His sight swam for a moment, then it suddenly sank into a menacing ocean of deep darkness. Then a question came to him like the morning sun, scorching away the feelings of misery from the depths of his mind. Who was he? At that question the world vanished... and he woke up.

This was good, but a little bit too wordy. A few sentences didn't make much sense to me:

He was walking across a blood red barren, dreamlike pillars of crimson stone rising from the ground like spears of frozen blood.

I think you put the comma in the wrong place, or didn't put enough. Also, you said "a" and then "pillars", so yeah. And you used the word blood twice, so it sounds a little weird.

in the form of the Angels of Death, the Space Marines.

The comma makes it seem like you're listing things, not defining what the Angels of Death are. I would replace it with a colon or semi-colon or something.

Countless majestic explosions littered the incomparably slowly rotating red Agamemnon

The "ly" endings used twice in a row makes it awkward and a little confusing. I would rephrase it or get rid of the "ly" in in slowly.

You believe that the wall separating civilisation from barbarism is as solid as steel, but it is not. I tell you the division is a thread, a sheet of glass.

I'm not sure if this is what the quote you used actually says, but to my knowledge of... stuff for lack of a better word, "civilisation" is civilization.

Anyway, nitpicks aside, I liked it! I would consider continuing.

Amniel wrote:The solar winds caused by the explosions lashed out into the emptiness of space, as if searching for something to obliterate to soothe the star's fiery heart. /quote]
To obliterate to soothe? Which one is it?
If its 'to obliterate and to soothe', it would sound kind of strange. Obliteration is soothing? O_o
Though there is some plausibility in it...(based on my warped logic)

It radiated light in amounts innumerable around it, giving life and illumination to the three planets orbiting it, Etreus, Romanai and Argivius.

Technically, there isn't really anything wrong with this sentence. But the word 'innumerable' seems a bit superfluous and inappropriate.
After all, light can't be measured in numbers. That's a given

Though the sun kept on unchanged as it had for ten billion years and would for another hundred thousand, the planets around it were soon to receive far more abrupt and violent change in the form of the Angels of Death; the Space Marines.

Kept on unchanged? Maybe you could substitue with a better word like 'remain unchanged/unaltered'.
*laughs* I didn't know Angel Of Death was a space marine XD

Every breath felt like a wall of ice being run into his chest, every step a boulder more to be dragged by his faltering feet. He was walking across a dark red barren where dreamlike pillars of crimson stone rose from the ground like spears of frozen blood. He was tired. He was alone. He was covered in a shroud of menacingly deep darkness, unable to see himself. But who was he? At that question the world vanished, and he woke up.

First sentence: Wall of ice being run into his chest? Well...that sort of makes sense...except that it's a 'wall' of ice being run into his chest? Or something perhaps, sharper?
Second sentence: Walking across a dark red barren. Barren is not a noun, but an adjective. Its noun would be 'barrenness' Also, I don't really think pillars are spear-like. They're usually rather thick?
*babbles nonsensically*
Oh, and walking could be replaced with better synonyms like 'wandering'
Last sentence: I would suggest - At that question, the world vanished... and he woke up.
But that's just my opinion.

Good points:
[I'm a comma-happy person myself, so I can't really correct punctuation.]
1) I loved the language. Awesome descriptive skills. It was very...fantasy and dream-like.
2) You didn't beat around the bush too much. Short and sweet.
3) I know I've said this, but the description was brilliant.

My opinion:
Great job. You should definitely work on this.
Come on, chop chop! Pick your pen up and start writing!

~Meep(:

I had a better version, it was on paper and I lost the paper...
So you'll have to do with this one.
Oh well
Thanks for the reviews

*grins*
You should be honoured.
This is my first critique for the war XD

Countless majestic explosions littered the slowly rotating red Agamemnon, a star named after one of the ancient kings of old Earth. The solar winds caused by the explosions lashed out into the emptiness of space, as if searching for something to obliterate to soothe the star's fiery heart. All this gave the star the appearance of the centre of a gigantic, hellish volcano. It was an ancient star, quite near the end of its life, though to call it's death "near" by any other standards than the measures of stars, would have been lying. It radiated light in amounts innumerable around it, giving life and illumination to the three planets orbiting it, Etreus, Romanai and Argivius. Though the sun remained unchanged as it had for ten billion years and would for another hundred thousand, the planets around it were soon to receive far more abrupt and violent change in the form of the Angels of Death; the Space Marines.

Every breath felt like a wall of icy spikes being run into his chest, every step a boulder more to be dragged by his faltering feet. He was wondering across a dark red desert where dreamlike pillars of crimson stone rose from the ground like spears of frozen blood. He was tired. He was alone. He was covered in a shroud of menacingly deep darkness, unable to see himself. But who was he? At that question the world vanished...and he woke up.

I like it, I am somewhat a Warhammer fan myself, and a fan fiction would be delightful to see! I'll address some things here in Itallics and then show my changes in Bold below.

1. I just wanted to point out that "obliterate" and "soothe" are sort of opposite spectrum words, and they way you joined them makes the sentence have a rough sound.

2. This part sounds a little funny when i read it aloud to myself.

3. In my opinion, menacingly and deep are unneeded.

Countless majestic explosions littered the slowly rotating red Agamemnon, a star named after one of the ancient kings of old Earth. The solar winds caused by the explosions lashed out into the emptiness of space, as if searching for something to obliterate or to soothe the star's fiery heart. All this gave the star the appearance of the center of a gigantic, hellish volcano. It was an ancient star, quite near the end of its life, though to call it's death "near" by any other standards than the measures of stars, would have been lying. It radiated light in amounts innumerable around it, giving life and illumination to the three planets orbiting it, Etreus, Romanai, and Argivius. Though the sun remained unchanged as it had for ten billion years and would for another hundred thousand, the planets around it were soon to receive far more abrupt and violent change in the form of the Angels of Death; the Space Marines.

Every breath felt like a wall of icy spikes being run into his chest, every step was another boulder attached to his already faltering feet. He was wandering across a dark red desert where dreamlike pillars of crimson stone rose from the ground like spears of frozen blood. He was tired. He was alone. He was covered in a shroud of poignant darkness, unable to see himself. But who was he? At that question the world vanished...and he woke up.

I put a comma in before "and Argivius", not sure if that would show up well.

I would certainly like to see more of this, it would be awesome if you could PM me when/if you post more of this. Keep up the good work!

Ok... My comments are in bold and corrections underlined but there are hardly any because I could not find anything wrong with this really

Countless majestic explosions littered the slowly rotating red Agamemnon, a star named after one of the ancient kings of old Earth. The solar winds caused by the explosions lashed out into the emptiness of space, as if searching for something to obliterate to soothe the star's fiery heart. All this gave the star the appearance of the centre of a gigantic, hellish volcano. It was an ancient star, quite near the end of its life, though to call it's death "near" by any other standards than the measures of stars, would have been lying.Ok, that last sentence confused me a little, do you mean that since it was a star and they lived for millions of years, it's death was not really 'near'? It radiated light in amounts innumerable around it, giving life and illumination to the three planets orbiting it, Etreus, Romanai and Argivius. Though the sun remained unchanged as it had for ten billion years and would for another hundred thousand, the planets around it were soon to receive a far more abrupt and violent change in the form of the Angels of Death; the Space Marines. The last sentence seemed a bit long, maybe you could find a way to split it up? That would make it less confusing

Every breath felt like a wall of icy spikes being run into his chest, every step a boulder more to be dragged by his faltering feet. He was wondering across a dark red desert where dreamlike pillars of crimson stone rose from the ground like spears of frozen blood. He was tired. He was alone. He was covered in a shroud of menacingly deep darkness, unable to see himself. But who was he? At that question the world vanished...and he woke up. Can't find anything to critique here

Great Work Amniel! The first paragraph set the atmosphere really well, and you gave a very vivid description of the star and the planets orbiting it. In the second part, I loved the short sentences:

He was tired. He was alone.

Don't know why!
Anyways... MOVING ON from that haha.

Awesome job! If you decide to continue this, pm me!
xxmimixx

Hey Otto! Commissar Robert at your service. This was great but short! It was only an introduction! It is like watching Star Wars III Until the Part when Anakin Skywalker cuts of Master Windu's arm(Then BOOOM the TV tuns off). I was expecting this to be really long. The way you told me about this at school made me think that this will like 2 pages long. Anyways good introduction.

Hmmm, did you want a grammar nit-pickish review, Otto? Because I can come back and give you one. ^_^

Right now, there is only one thing that bothers me.

I think you should make Agamemnon either a planet, moon, or asteroid (or anything else of the like).

Why, you ask?

You see, planets (except the gas giants), moons, and asteroids all have something in common...

They are solid!

A star just so happens to be an incandescent ball of burning gas. Not only does that sound extremely unpleasant to walk on, it's impossible!

I admit, Otto-kun, science fiction isn't my forte. However, I really did enjoy this. Thumbs up for you!

--Sakura's Cat