Writing about writing

Hi, this was a competition entry to the writing about writing contest. I came up with this in lie... 5 minutes and I couldn't be bothered erasing it form existence, so I posted it here! I really had no aim for this, so I didn't let myself down.


Three… Two… One… GO!
Inspiration flows through me, the ideas in my head pouring onto paper [s]faster than a fox in the wintertime.
clearer than a crystal at daybreak.
like a flowing stream that… ummm, flows, somewhere.[/s]
faster than any angry author could scream.
The words are [s]like bullets onto paper[/s]
[s]more creative than anything precedenting-ish-it.[/s]
Inspired by… wait, no! I’ve said inspired twice! I'm almost tempted to goung holes in teh paper to protect the world from montrosities like this
Whatever shall I do? My work of art is ruined before it has a chance to prosper! The colourful field of blossoming ideas trampled into the dirt before a single petal opened. My mind is a blank typewriter, waiting for fifty monkeys to perpetualize the motion, the object we call a novel.
Monkeys! Monkeys at a crime scene, the big fat one the boss, smoking the cigar and wearing a bowler’s hat. The sergeant comes up and starts to… Where can this go? What can they do?

Nothing… That’s what. The idea is a big fat lump of nothing with a cherry on top. That's my brain, completely and utterly useless. Mangled beyond repair, with a suicide note left on the counter.

It wasn’t your fault. I was heading this was for a long time. The signs were there, I just hid them from you the best I could. I was slowly shutting down, realizing my pain and giving in. It wasn’t your fault; I was just useless to the world. I decided to leave you, you would be better off.

Wait… How does that work? Can a brain leave you? What would happen? Can you live on only half of our brain? What of you replaced the working half with your mates brain…? Hello! Idea coming through! Quick, fire up the engines, I got a one way ticket to stardom.
Let’s see. It starts off with…
A monkey in a fire engine.

Wait, where did that come from? Okay… and then he hits a women. The doctor tells the boyfriend they can have the brain transplant or die… Okay, let’s roll with that…
A murder mystery!
YES! And the pair have to work together to find the monkey! And it turns out that the monkey was really the mother in-law and she was committing murder, trypical, trypical trypical
.
Yes, that’s’ it, I admit a little sketchy, but you’ve done your job. Thanks brain!
I'm just in the process of offereing a sacfirice to Oh Mightly Brain, when there is a scratching on the door. Seconds later I am being dragged out of my room and shoved into a while coat.
HEY! That's a good idea for a story...
Sorry, It's really lame, I know! Comments welcome!

Hey asxz! This was so not lame - it was cute! And very, very relatable. However...I could tell that you wrote it fast, because there were some typos. It helps to read it a few times again before posting, just to catch those annoying little things, dear. ^^

So, the first thing that really bothers me about this is the tenses...euh. You change them a lot. Like, a lot. I don't know if it was on purpose, but it needs to be fixed! Tenses must be consistent. Good. Now you must decide whether it should all be in present or past tense. Either could work, but I vote for present tense, as the piece is a real, live thought process and I think it would be more effective!

The second thing was the actions. For example:

*Gouges hole into paper, while trying to erase all evidence*

IMO, that kind of thing should only be used in scripts. In scripts, the audience sees the action, so those movements are stage directions for the actors. But in fiction, we rely on words to describe what we're doing, you know? So I think this is fairly inappropriate for this piece. And it's so easily fixed, just ditch the stars and add a subject and reconjugate the verbs.

Anyway, this was really cute (again)! And I think as soon as you clear up the typos and decide on a tense and maybe fill this in a little more, it will be great and fully contest ready.

-Mars

Hi, ASXZ, I shall be your second reviewer for today, and this shall be my second review on my account!

First of all, I'd like to tell you that I think that writing can never be 'lame'; no matter what its contents. Writing is like magic. Magic is GOOD!

-- *Gouges hole into paper, while trying to erase all evidence*
-- *Mentally kisses and hugs brain until the mental psychiatrist comes in*
Despite the fact that it is very amusing, you can't use this when it comes to writing novels. Like Mars stated, it could only be used in scripts. Instead, why don't you reword it a bit to transform it into a sentence that is suitable for a novel, rather than a script? For example: I was almost tempted to gouge holes into the paper, to obliterate all the evidence of my horrible work (<------- Change it into whatever tense you're using, as, like Mars again, I'm not sure what tense you're using )

There are numerous spelling errors that I noticed immediately when I skimmed through your piece. You should really check through your posts before actually posting it in. Some people can get very irritated with this problem on YWS, trust me!

I was going to mention the fact of your changing tenses, but since Mars has covered that, I won't bother. Lol.

Overall, it is great. The piece is very effective, not to mention humorous. You have chosen a great narrative thingamajig and is informal which makes it easier to read for everyone. Anyone on YoungWritersSociety could connect with the plot of this piece of work; how hard it is to think of an idea. Now I know that I am not alone. Thanks

From ThienThienThien
A human, just like you!

Hey! Thanks you two. I will fix it up... now. I couldn't be bothered going back and editing last night, so I will do now!