Idiotic boyfriend

This is a poem about a girl who wasn't even my girlfriend. I wanted to hook up with her but she talked about some friendship and stuff...liar...

There was a time
when unhappy we were;
I tried so hard to get to her,
but she left me only this rhyme.

There was a trying of lop
filled with greed;
I planted the seed,
but she ruined my crop.

This was her reign,
this was my defeat.
Her idiocy meet
my unforgettable pain.

This is my amend,
my conquered land:
her strong stand
shown as idiotic boyfriend.


I also had an option for the last stanza...
This is my amend,
my conquered land;
And I say she was
just an idiotic boyfriend.

Not done with the editing yet.

Hey Darko! It's June again! Let's work on this .

Before I begin... I'm confused. You say idiotic boyfriend, but you're referring to a she?? I think it should be girlfriend, right?

Anyway, moving on!

I like the emotion you've writ into this, Darko, it's pretty strong, and the rhythm of this is good. The rhyme scheme here is forcing-- it really is. Instead of just allowing us to read through this smoothly, we have to like... piece together what the meaning of the word you're using is and we shouldn't have to, dear.

For now, it seems a little fuzzy, like a first draft. That's not a bad thing, at all. All you have to do it take another look at this -- not right away, come back to this with a fresh eye-- and cross out what you think can stay and what you think needs to go. Chop away some of this, make some holes and patch them up. Play with the rhyme a little and turn this into something perfect.

It's a good job, Darko, just a little rough. Keep it up, dear, and if you need help, feel free to PM me!

June

springrain2693 wrote:Instead of just allowing us to read through this smoothly, we have to like... piece together what the meaning of the word you're using is and we shouldn't have to, dear.

June

Lol, you got me I know it is, but with this type of rhyme I couldn't do more.

springrain2693 wrote:Before I begin... I'm confused. You say idiotic boyfriend, but you're referring to a she?? I think it should be girlfriend, right?

Nope, I meant just as I said-boy... I make fun of her every day now, when I don't love her anymore. So to me, she is a boy. Not that she looks like a boy but for some reason this makes her very angry... And I tried to make this special for something...

P.S. Thanks

Hey there!

Ah, so that was the point? Great! I'm glad I didn't misread you.

Oh wow, you're silly. Really. But good point with that, dear. Adds a touch of humor to this for us.

Sorry for the whole scenario--

No problem; anytime!

June

You couldn't know... thanks anyway..

i don't like this. it sounds like you might be trying to hard to rhyme, rather than just writing what you're feeling. also, the rhyming pattern bothers me. it seems to go:

A,B,B,A.

this is rare, and i think it sounds unnatural and uncomfortable. in the future, you might wanna try something like

A,B,A,B / A,A,B,B.

sorry. it's just a pet peeve of mine.

i do like the idea, and the energy behind the poem. however, i think you just need a better way to channel it into a poem. try not thinking about it. just let the words fly out. it seems like you're revising and perfecting it too much, and leaving out important parts.

Yeah, June said the same thing..haha..nevermind, thanks.. I'm fixing it at the moment...

Hey.

You've got a rhyme scheme going here but I think your lines are missing or having a syllable or two out of place here and there. Anyway, it needs a little fixing up regarding the rhyme. Read it out and see if it flows well once you edit it.

Anyway, that's pretty much my only problem. Emotions are well portrayed here and also a hint of isatire/humor in poetry always leaves a lasting impression. Hmm... The first part of your poem was dark then it goes into satirical humor at the very end. I appreciate consistency in poetry but it worked here so good job.XD

that's all.XD fix up the rhyme, though.

Keep writing.XD

--Knightly

Hey brother. I loved your poem but I thought it lacked essence. I understand that you liked this girl who belonged to another. That's why in your poem you made references to pain. I'm pretty sure you know this but poetry is about passion and great emotions. Inside every writer is this unrelenting passion that refuses to stop existing. Every time we write we need to tap into that source of passion. We need to make others see and feel what we are experiencing. I believe there is no good or bad poem. All poetry is great poetry. Its the thought and motivation that counts. I believe you potentially have a great poem but I wanted to know more about this girl. What she looked like, the way that she smelled, the color of her hair, how attractive she was, and what made you want her so bad even though she was already taken by another. I want to be able to feel your longing for her, the move in your soul that made you want to be with her. Show me the magic and inspiration behind this piece. Other then that I think you pretty much have a good foundation to start on. Good job buddy but make me feel more.

XavierJohnson123 wrote:Inside every writer is this unrelenting passion that refuses to stop existing. Every time we write we need to tap into that source of passion.

ever heard of Baudelaire? He didn't want to live, he was bored with life, dissapointed in people and himself.

XavierJohnson123 wrote:What she looked like, the way that she smelled, the color of her hair, how attractive she was, and what made you want her so bad even though she was already taken by another. I want to be able to feel your longing for her, the move in your soul that made you want to be with her.

If I do that, it would be quite a long poem, eh? It's too late now when I don't think of her in that way. I can't find that passion and I'm scared of the emotions that will came all over again if I do that...
Oh, and I didn't said that she was with someone else... So you took her from me, ha??? Wanna fight? LOL

I'm new on this forum but I honestly just wanted to say that the poem was great but it lacked a real concept. You also said that the title to this was "Idiotic boyfriend" but why did you write about a "she?" Now I could understand if maybe you were feeling upset about whatever happened between you and your girlfriend, and you figured that you should maybe drop your self esteem and be like "Man, I feel like I was the most idiotic boyfriend...," something along those lines. But there was no concept, and I would've actually really liked it more, if there had of been a moral or special message to the poem. Something more bolder and blunt, you kind of wrote this piece without feeling. It was more plain, stale and it was hard for me to understand where you were trying to get at with the poem. I believe you can do better, just work on this in some areas and try to make it flow better, give it more "life" make it more vibrant you know? Lure your readers or seduce them with twists and turns within your poem. Let your imagination take effect, but don't do it to the point where it'll be bland and scattered, not making any sense period. Bring a little more of your own personification into it, shine some light on YOUR experience or what you learned at the end of the day. And make sure next poem, that the title ACTUALLY SIMMERS into the words. Cause you had it mixed around up top there. Other than that I honestly did love it. You can pm me if you'd like, just for the heck of it. We could be cool Don't take this all to personal, just giving my opinion on it. Good job though!

BabygirlJazzy16 wrote:You also said that the title to this was "Idiotic boyfriend" but why did you write about a "she?" Now I could understand if maybe you were feeling upset about whatever happened between you and your girlfriend, and you figured that you should maybe drop your self esteem and be like "Man, I feel like I was the most idiotic boyfriend...," something along those lines.

I explained that in this topic...read all reviews and replies and you'll find it...

BabygirlJazzy16 wrote:...shine some light on YOUR experience or what you learned at the end of the day.

I did that...I learned she was just another idiotic boyfriend...

oh, idiotic boyfriend..are you pertaining to yourself?


for me, it was fine.. and you used a-b-b-a kind of pattern, right, which i find quite hard.
very well, i know you're writing based from experience..

but i've never seen someone like you so down, underestimating your self, and like, letting that girl reign over you..hmm i guess, you're really broke..

i like this:

This was her reign,
this was my defeat.
Her lovely idiocy meet
my unforgettable pain.

but i don't understand this:

And I say she was
just an idiotic boyfriend.

how can you call a girl an "idiotic boyfriend"?

telle_04 wrote:oh, idiotic boyfriend..are you pertaining to yourself?

...but i don't understand this:

And I say she was
just an idiotic boyfriend.

how can you call a girl an "idiotic boyfriend"?

Just look my 1st reply to June ...and thanks for review....

There was a time
when unhappy we were.
I tried so hard to get her
but she left me only this rhyme.

• Second line: Um. Sounds a bit "hillbilly" if you know what I mean. What happened to good old "When we were unhappy?" And it doesn't help the rhyme anyhow because...
• Next topic:... The next line's rhyme seems very forced. If you still wanted the second stanza to remain as is, than I would suggest saying, "When unhappy we were, I tried so hard to get to her." This way, the iambic pentameter stays the same and the two lines fit together nicely.

There was a trying of lop
filled with greed.
I planted the seed,
but she ruined my crop.

• Interesting analogy. It fits with the hillbilly theme above. I'm joking okay. But I like the analogy and it rhymes smoothly.l
• I don't think that the word "lop" fits in that context. I really don't know what you want there, but I advise against "lop."

This was her reign,
this was my defeat.
Her lovely idiocy meet
my unforgettable pain.

•There's a bit of a forced rhyme here again. It sounds so forced because of lack of attention to the syllable patterns. You've got a nice around five syllable pattern [the first two lines] and then you out of the blue come up with a nine syllable line followed by a seven syllable line. Oh wow. Say it out loud... hear the issue. I suggest making each line at least, give or take one, the same amount of syllables. That way everything fits together smoothly and nicely.

I also had an option for the last stanza...
This is my amend,
this is my conquered land.
And I say she was
just an idiotic boyfriend.

• As I recall, she is a girl. "Girlfriend" would still work you know.

---

I enjoyed it. It was upbeat. So much though you could possibly make up a little jig to go along with it. That wasn't an insult. That meant that over all, your iambic pentameter is in check.
I liked your rhyme scheme. It helped the poem a lot. (I'm really tired, I just want to find what's wrong with it. Ugh. I'm half asleep.)

Hm. That's about it. Again, just see if any of my suggestions could enhance the quality of your poem. I hope you'll take some into consideration for merely the sake of the poem. I did enjoy it, it was fun to read.

(I also reviewed a piece of yours because you are the fabled harsh reviewer. I just wanted to see what you could do. So far, I'm satisfied.)

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Oh. I read the rest of the reviews. Interesting. But by calling your idiotic girlfriend an idiotic boyfriend to insult her, aren't you basically insulting yourself, and apparently your appearance, and your very being?! Well?