No title...yet (prologue)

So this is just a little prologue of a story I'm going to be writing in the future, right after I finish my current story, Clover's Curse. I'm just experimenting right now, and I'd like to know what you think.

There are three kinds of princesses.

The first princess is the most common and stereotypical – the “cursed” princess, the delicate one, highly feminine and always in need of rescuing. I’ve read enough stories to know that the curse flung upon her is usually the result of a spell cast by a witch, or a potion secretly carted by an envious relation. Generally, this curse disfigures the princess in one way or another, or it sends her into a long period of narcolepsy. The curse remains until the princess is saved by the True Love’s Kiss, and then she lives happily ever after.

The second princess is the one who seeks freedom and adventure. Typically, this princess is locked away in a tower where she sits at the only window and gazes at the moon. Or she lives in a glorious palace and walks out onto her balcony on a daily basis, sighing longingly as she watches the sun sink below the horizon. This princess wants more out of her life. Eventually, she’s kidnapped by pirates or thieves, goes on a thrilling adventure, and ends up falling in love with the captain or the head thief himself. Procuring a life full of glorious travels and enchantment, she too, lives happily ever after.

The third is the content princess – the one that I can relate to the most. This princess is satisfied with what she has and is highly confident within herself and her relations. She has no time for childish adventures, and laughs at the idea of silly curses. She has lived a happy childhood, she will marry a wonderful prince, become the queen of a magnificent kingdom and have beautiful children.

I am Princess Carmenita Alexandria Renato, and I used to declare myself among the content princesses. I had no ridiculous dreams of romantic odysseys, and I was never paranoid enough to look over my shoulder every waking minute of the day for fear of being turned into an ogre or put to a never-ending slumber. I had more realistic things to put my mind to.

It was my eighteenth birthday, and I was anticipating my ball, for I was to be courted by two very suitable gentlemen that night – Prince Carlos Paquito Nunez, and Prince Alejandro Ricardo Remerez. My decision was yet to be made, but it would have been determined by the star qualities of each bachelor. I was so close to everything I’d ever desired in life. I would have been engaged, married, ruled my kingdom and beared heirs to the throne. I would have lived happily ever after.

Ha. That was what I thought.

This was definitely a great piece! I didn't really see anything wrong with it. Well I can't wait to read more!
Keep doing what you're doing!

Interesting premise, very nice structure with the three princess types. The descriptions of the three are all very well written, and you've got some nice allusions in there.

The last line bothers me.

Mostly it's a noticeable tense change (and I mean noticeable. Sticks out like a sore thumb, ahem, cliche count for post=1) - i.e. it suddenly becomes past tense when the entire rest of the piece is in present. I know this is partially for dramatic effect, but it just doesn't work here. Either the tense shift needs to come earlier:

"she will... become the queen of a magnificent kingdom and have wonderful children.

I am Princess Carmen of the Long Name .... and I USED to be one of the content princesses...."


Or you need some other way to invoke drama and a sense of conflict and tension.


"There are three types of princesses...
(describe the three)

And then there's Princess Carmen of the Long Name, who would appear to be princess type three - only, she's not. (Maybe she's princess type four?)"

Other than that, intriguing. I wonder how you will turn HRH Carmen's life into the wonderful nightmar- adventure it was meant to be. There are so many ways this could go...

~annie

This was great! I love your style of writing. Really I do. I like how you described the three types of princesses and how content Princess Carmenita Alexandria Renato is with her current life.

But I think I know who this is. Is this the love of Prince Alejandro in Clover's Curse? The one who got turned into a dragon? Oh, I hope I haven't ruined anything for anyone. It was just a question.

I love it. Couldn't find anything wrong with it.

Meadow

I loved this. The first three paragraphs about the princesses are really explanatory. I have a funny feeling that the princess will become more like the other two princess types. maybe i am wrong. i was totally intrigued once I got to the paragraph when she starts to say what she is (content princess) and what she expects. What really caught me was the last line of the whole thing. It dragged me deeper into thinking about what would happen to her. it made me want to keep reading, but there was nothing more. Put out the next chapter quickly I really want to read the next part. It was short and quick and perfect for a prolouge. I am off to read your other story.

OMG.

The Carmenita and Alejandro story! Yay! ^_^ I've been looking forward to this, as you know-- and I'm glad to have a bit of it to read, even if it's only a taste of things to come.

I really like the introduction-- I thought your first sentence was phenomenal. That was what actually made my want to keep reading the piece, long before I found out the characters it was about-- though I squeed a bit when I saw Carmenita's name halfway through. ^_^

And the following paragraphs were great-- a little mockery of fairy tale and fantasy cliches that made me giggle and set just the right tone for the story-- as well as letting us know what kind of character Carmen is.

Speaking of which, I like her already. XD She's smart, practical and sensible-- three traits that fantasy writers aren't often good at giving their princesses, as you so well illustrated in the intro paragraphs. XD I think she's the sort of person that ordinary people can understand and find likable and relate to; I know I can.

The only flaw I see is that last sentence, and I think I know why it bugs me. It's in the wrong tense. Everything up to that sentence is in present tense, and that one is in past... I don't understand why Carmen would be relating the events of her past in present tense, but if she's going to say anything about "little did I know..." she must be looking back from the future. I think either the tense should be changed, or that sentence should be replaced with something else, whichever's easiest for you, really.

Based on this first page, though, and the amazing writer I know you are, if this were in a bookshop I'd totally pick it up. Congratulations on a wonderful beginning. ^_^

That was so sweet.I totally loved it. The entire thing just kept you reading and wanting to find out more. It waa amazing. I'd definately like to read the rest. When it was over i was like "Oh,no!"

It was that good, even these few paragraphs make me want to read more. Especially when I read the last sentence, I was like...dude! SOMETHING will happen and it probably will be way more original than most stories. You HAVE to keep writing. Please PM me when you write more so I can like...read it.

Hi there! I'm Music, and I'll be reviewing you today.

Generally, this curse disfigures the princess in one way or another, or it sends her into a long period of narcolepsy. Very nice overview in this first paragraph, by the way.

Procuring a life full of glorious travels and enchantment, she, too, lives happily ever after.

She has no time for childish adventures[s],[/s] and laughs at the idea of silly curses. She has lived a happy childhood, [s]she[/s] will marry a wonderful prince, become the queen of a magnificent kingdom, and have beautiful children.

I have no ridiculous dreams of romantic odysseys, and I’m not paranoid enough to look over my shoulder every waking minute of the day, for fear of being turned into an ogre or put to a never-ending slumber.

Today is my eighteenth birthday, and I am anticipating tonight’s ball, for I'm to be courted by two very suitable gentlemen[s].[/s] – Prince Carlos Paquito Nunez[s],[/s] and Prince Alejandro Ricardo Remerez. My decision is yet to be made, but it shall be determined tonight by the star qualities of each bachelor. I am so close to everything I’ve ever desired in life. I will be engaged, married, rule my kingdom, and bear heirs to the throne. I will live happily ever after.

Little did I know how wrong I was going to be. I love this last line.

Hi! I really enjoyed this! Usually I don't like information dumps in books, but you made it work! I really liked the last line, as I noted.
I think you captured how mature the MC thinks she is and how ready she thinks she is for life in the later paragraphs. It gave me a better picture of her.

I think this is a good piece with the potential to turn into a great story! You've got talent!

Love,
Msuic.

I love this! And that's true about most story book princess.
I really like how you diatribe the hole thing:)
I can't want to read more!

(OK ya sorry it's short but I have writer's block even for reviews right now!)

Thanks for all the critiques, guys! They're really encouraging. Hugs and kisses.

Ankhirke and Zan, I totally agree with you guys, I totally hate that last sentence. I was pretty confident in this piece except for that last bugger. I think I have a good way to fix it though...

Hello!
I really enjoyed this. Your writing style is so fresh, modern and interesting, I adore it. The description of the princesses could be shortened to keep the reader reading, but that's something small. The last sentence really shakes the piece up. Thumbs-up! Keep writing.

I enjoy your structured writing style. This story has great potential You do tend to use a lot of commas. Proof read it to make sure there aren't too many. Commas are great, but can be put in the wrong places and over-done. Great work

Structured writing style? Seriously? Wow, that is not usually a compliment I get too often. Thanks, Matt! I feel like my writing style is all over the place because I usually start a story with no plot in mind, just a few characters with over-the-top personalities.

I really enjoyed this. Your writing style is so fresh, modern and interesting, I adore it. The description of the princesses could be shortened to keep the reader reading, but that's something small. The last sentence really shakes the piece up. Thumbs-up! Keep writing.

Thanks, flytodreams! I'm especially glad that you like the last sentence because I had trouble with it at first. So thanks for the reassurance!

wow! their are so many great writers on this site and only a few stories that I've read really caught my attention and this is one of them! Great piece! I really hope the rest is just as good!!! I'd love to read more!

Thanks Rubin! Unfortunately, I'm working on another project right now so I haven't written this story yet. The story I'm writing right now is called Clover's Curse. The characters in this story showed up in Clover's Curse as minor characters, so if you liked this piece, I definitely recommend you reading Clover's Curse.

Hey There Worx!

I really enjoyed the story, but that aside, here is the review that you asked for:

Dreamworx95 wrote:There are three kinds of princesses.

Not bad, but I think this could be better as a hook. Perhaps something more interesting like, "Princesses come in three breeds." If you do this, you define what you are going to tell us in terms of species and not merely difference in culture.

The first princess is the most common and stereotypical – the “cursed” princess, the delicate one, highly feminine and always in need of rescuing.

I love this!

I’ve read enough stories to know that the curse flung upon her is usually the result of a spell cast by a witch, or a potion secretly carted by an envious relation.

I would change "flung upon her" to "she bears".

Generally, this curse disfigures the princess in one way or another, or it sends her into a long period of narcolepsy.

Great line!

The second princess is the one who seeks freedom and adventure. Typically, this princess is locked away in a tower where she sits at the only window and gazes at the moon.

I don't think that the first sentence here is the defining trait that you want to give this princess. I'd try it like this, "The second princess is the one who is typically locked away in a tower where she sits at the window and gazes at the moon. Generally, this is because she seeks freedom, and the moon is viewed by her as some sort of a metaphor of her liberty.

If you were to accept this approach, you could edit the next bit as follows,

[s]Or[/s] And on those odd occasions when she is not locked up in a tower, she lives in a glorious palace and walks out onto her balcony on a daily basis, sighing longingly as she watches the sun sink below the horizon.

This princess is satisfied with what she has and is highly confident within herself and her relations.

I think this reads a little clumsily. Perhaps something along the lines of, "This princess has everything that she could desire, and will, unless she is a temperamental teenager, conduct herself in a manner befitting of a princess."

She has no time for childish adventures, and laughs at the idea of silly curses.

Try, "scorns the idea of silly curses".

I am Princess Carmenita Alexandria Renato, and I used to declare myself among the content princesses.

This is clumsy. Try, "I am Princess Carmenita Alexandria Renato, one who used to count myself among this third category."

I had no ridiculous dreams of romantic odysseys, and I was never paranoid enough to look over my shoulder every waking minute of the day for fear of being turned into an ogre or put to a never-ending slumber.

Beautifully put!

I had more realistic things to put my mind to.

Perhaps, "My attention was required by less trivial matters."

I was so close to everything I’d ever desired in life.

Try, "I was an inch away from anything I had ever desired."

I would have been engaged, married, ruled my kingdom and beared heirs to the throne. I would have lived happily ever after.

Borne heirs to the throne.

Ha. That was what I thought.

Great ending to the prologue.

Overall prose: Marvelous. Your writing style is intriguing, and you draw us in beautifully with it. There really isn't much to improve here.

Characters: Not much to comment on here. Your character has a basic sketch, but not really enough to comment on right now. I'm sure that you'll develop her though.

Setting: Remarkably, with no information on the actual place that this will take place, you've painted the setting successfully as a typical fairy tale world. I like that.

Overall Impression: Great piece. This is entertaining, funny, and makes me want to turn the next page.

You can even have a gold star.
Have a good one!