In Paradise...(Chapter one part two)

This is the next little section of my story. It's short because if I put anymore and tried to end the part on a good spot it would be way to long. All critiques welcome! Help me improve.
"You must think I'm a total klutz now huh?" I said looking over at him and trying not to burst out laughing.
"No," he replied calmly.
I nodded, "So have you been taken hostage too?" I questioned while trying to get the blood off my knee.
"What do you mean?" He asked, staring out at the ocean.
"Are you here with your family?" I answered.
"Oh," he said with a laugh. "Yeah, I'm with my mom, dad, and my twin sister," he said while glancing over to an area where a family was sitting. "What about you?"
"I'm with my mom, my seventeen year old sister and my little nine year old brother," I replied and glanced over at Jake who was floating on his back in the water.
"That's cool," he told me with a smile.
"Why aren't you hanging out with your family?" I asked.
He looked over at me and his smile faded, "Well, we're pretty close but I guess I'd rather just be by myself." He hugged his legs to his chest. I looked back over to the people that I assumed were his family because of how he looked at them before. They looked so perfect, so close. A girl, I assumed was his twin was grabbing some sodas from a cooler. She toyed with her hair, the same color as Brayden's except without the black area on the top of his head and handed sodas to the two adults. The woman, his mother, smiled at her daughter and brushed her blonde bob out of her eyes. The man, his father remained his gaze ahead but smiled slightly.
"Where's your family?" He asked out of nowhere.
I pointed into the water, "That's my brother Jake, the short one with the shaggy brown hair." He nodded and I gestured to Jessica. "That's my older sister Jessica." He nodded again.
"What about your mom?"
"She isn't here yet," I said, "She's at the hotel."
"Oh," he said softly. I looked back at his family, his sister was now walking towards us, I turned away and stared at the ocean.
"Brayden?" She asked in a sweet voice.
He turned to look at her, "What?" He asked.
"I don't know," she laughed.
"Okay," he said sarcastically. "This is my sister Brianna," he informed to me and glanced at her warily.
"Hi, I'm Lindsay," I said to her.
She smiled a warm, loving smile. Her dark eyes shined, "Hi," she replied and sat next to Brayden. It was weird how Brayden seemed more tense when Brianna was around. Like she knew something nobody else knew and he was just waiting for her to blurt it out. "Are you going to come swim with me later Bray?" She asked him.
"I don't know," he said. She sighed and turned around, walking away. "Come with me," he said to me and stood up.
I followed him as he walked down the beach. "So where are you from?" I asked him.
"Tennessee, so not that far," he said. "But, we're moving, they haven't told me where yet."
"Oh, well I'm from Virginia," I told him.
"That's cool, well I should go, but I hope I'll see you around," he said.
"Yeah," I sighed. He smiled and ran off. There was something about him, something that drew me in and there was also that mysterious side to him. I had only known him for fifteen minutes and I found myself wanting more.

You have me interested for more:). I'd like to see more of how the main characters look. I really appreciate the attention to detal, thats the stuff that makes lil scenes golden. I love that.lol I thought that you kinda gave away his "mysteriousness" a little too early, he didn't seem mysterious at all unitl you told us. Maybe you could have let us see more of him acting weird to build onto that.Keep it up budd;D

Ooo I'm hooked =) good job. I agree with muffy above that you do a really good job with the attention to detail. And Brayden's mysteriousness was revealed a little early. You have a lot of saids also. I read the first part and know it was mentioned and it seems you worked on it. I personally have the same problem with using too many generic saids and tolds. Good job so far though =)

It's exam season, and I really shouldn't be doing this. I've successfully curbed posts for about two weeks now.. but I can't stand it no more!

I agree with muffy an Lauren on the "saids" and the "mysteriousness". Don't tell us he's mysterious! Show us! Make Brayden act it out!
Anyway, here's my critique. My comments are in bold and my corrections are underlined. The corrections of punctuation marks are in *asterisks*. Warning: I'm a little bit of a grammar freak.

mhmmcolleenx0 wrote:"You must think I'm a total klutz now*,* huh?" I said*,* looking over at him and trying not to burst out laughing.
"No," he replied calmly.
I nodded*.* "So have you been taken hostage too?" I questioned while trying to get the blood off my knee.
"What do you mean?" He asked, staring out at the ocean.
"Are you here with your family?" I answered.
"Oh," he said with a laugh. "Yeah, I'm with my mom, dad, and my twin sister," he said while glancing over to an area where a family was sitting. "What about you?"
"I'm with my mom, my seventeen-year-old sister and my little nine-year-old brother," I replied and glanced over at Jake*,* who was floating on his back in the water.
"That's cool," he told me with a smile.
"Why aren't you hanging out with your family?" I asked.
He looked over at me and his smile faded. "Well, we're pretty close but I guess I'd rather just be by myself." He hugged his legs to his chest. I looked back over to the people that I assumed were his family because of how he looked at them before. They looked so perfect, so close. A girl (remove comma) I assumed was his twin was grabbing some sodas from a cooler. She toyed with her hair, the same color as Brayden's except without the black area on the top of his head and handed sodas to the two adults. Break down sentence. She can't play with her hair and hand out sodas at the same time - not unless she has an extra arm. The woman, his mother, smiled at her daughter and brushed her blonde bob out of her eyes. The man who must've been his father kept his gaze ahead but smiled slightly.
"Where's your family?" His voice brought me back to us. Or something like that.
I pointed into the water*.* "That's my brother Jake, the short one with the shaggy brown hair." He nodded and I gestured to Jessica. "That's my older sister Jessica." He nodded again.
"What about your mom?"
"She isn't here yet," I said*.* "She's at the hotel."
"Oh," he said softly. I looked back at his family*.* His sister was now walking towards us*.* I turned away and stared at the ocean.
"Brayden?" She asked in a sweet voice.
He turned to look at her*.* "What?" he asked.
"I don't know," she laughed.
"Okay," he said sarcastically. "This is my sister Brianna," he informed [s]to[/s] me and glanced at her warily.
"Hi, I'm Lindsay," I said to her.
She smiled a warm, loving smile. Her dark eyes shined*.* "Hi," she replied and sat next to Brayden. It was weird how Brayden seemed more tense when Brianna was around. Like she knew something nobody else knew and he was just waiting for her to blurt it out. "Are you going to come swim with me later*,* Bray?" she asked him.
"I don't know," Brayden said. She sighed and turned around, walking away. "Come with me," he said to me and stood up.
I followed him as he walked down the beach. "So where are you from?" I asked him.
"Tennessee, so not that far," he said. "But (remove comma) we're moving, they haven't told me where yet."
"Oh, well I'm from Virginia," I told him.
"That's cool*.* Well, I should go, but I hope I'll see you around," he said.
"Yeah," I sighed. He smiled and ran off. There was something about him, something that drew me in and there was also that mysterious side to him. I had only known him for fifteen minutes and I found myself wanting more.

By the way, stop ending your sentences with commas! *flips out Grammar Police badge* There're also a bunch of other types of mistakes, but I corrected them above.

On the story: you're bein' a lil too predictable. The mysteriousness, mainly. I'm guessing he'll move to Virginia or something like that, but that kind of predictability is almost unavoidable.

You also tend to recycle many of your words, like "smiled" and "said". The part where your MC was watching his family was a little too obviously descriptive.

(Of course, it's just my opinion. Feel free to ignore whichever you think is subjective.)

Other than that, it's fine. I'm following this one.

Cheers,
Lily.