Author's Note: This is a process analysis (how-to) essay for my English 101 class. I chose to do a satirical (please note: SATIRICAL) how to succeed in school essay. It's purely for fun; however, it is indeed for a grade and I could use some reviews plz. ^^
How to Succeed in “Edjerkation”
Children across the globe spend their youths within the halls of educational establishments. In America, free education is one of our proudest achievements, and our wiser members of society take full advantage of tax-supported learning. Success in school is a measurement of later success, in both employment and social life, and everyone in this country desires success.
High school students are allowed an unprecedented amount of freedom in choosing their own courses. Success starts in the classroom, and success comes easiest in the easiest classrooms. When signing up for classes, it is important to choose the simplest courses required for graduation. Embarking on challenging courses will only lead to eventual burnout before the end of just one year. Be sure to strategically plan course load for the last difficult classes that offer the least amount of homework. If at all possible, see about joining a special education class, too. Faking a learning disability and earning a ticket into the easiest classes invented is simpler than ever these days. The path of least resistance is always the fastest path to an end result.
Now that all of the available sleeper classes have been picked, it is time to do just that – sleep. Sleep through every class, every day, and do not wake up for any reason whatsoever. Additionally, when these simplistic classes do assign homework (a rare occurrence), do not complete it right away. Friends have a higher priority during all out-of-class time – after all, students spend seven hours a day locked up in a classroom, and there has to be time for sleep. The time to do homework is in the two minutes it takes a teacher to collect assignments. For a better effect, refrain from doing any homework at all. However, this carries the risk of increased altercations with those in “authority.”
Standing at the front of each class is the teacher – that cynical, jaded, “college educated” demon in disguise. Teachers want nothing more than to be giant roadblocks on the road to success. This, of course, makes them responsible for everything – failures, problems with them as people, and especially disciplinary issues. Every missed assignment or in-class altercation is one to blame exclusively on the “ruler” of the classroom. Accept no responsibility, and this particular roadblock will soon evaporate. This is, of course, easier said than done; it can become a stressful experience. However, a simple chat with close friends about the difficulties of interfacing with instructors can easily relieve stress. Be sure to insult and degrade teachers as much as possible, remembering to blame them for everything.
An essential construct of school life and later life is friendship, and the more friends, the better. Life is not about what one knows; rather, it is a contest of who one knows. Interact only with people that are conniving and that follow the same brilliant, responsibility-free path to success. If they are guaranteed to betray their “friends,” keep them closer than anybody else. Popularity is another measurement of success, and is far more important than the “educational” rubbish teachers try and shove down the throats of their students. Additionally, a key factor in popularity is fairly simple – reject any “unpopular” kids, especially anybody who has an “A” in any one of their classes. These “A” students are colloquially known as “nerds” and are to be mocked, ridiculed, shoved in rubbish bins, and generally avoided at all costs.
Occasionally, teachers will be beaten into a corner from determination to succeed – similar to Superman with kryptonite. These creatures have one super-weapon left hiding in the shadows – school administrators. However, this group reacts much as teachers react. When referred to the jurisdiction of these “head honchos,” simply neglect all responsibility. Remember that teachers are obstacles on the road to success, and all that goes wrong is strictly their fault. However, administrators have a different kind of kryptonite. Between disciplinary visits to officials, flatter and brownnose administrators at every available opportunity. This makes them vulnerable to wiles that are not their own, as much as they would enjoy believing in their own “invincibility.” Appeal to their twisted perception of what makes a successful student successful and they will bow to any will. All administrators are highly vulnerable to “good students,” as they believe that good students are the ones that carry the school on their shoulders and make the administration look like it is running the school properly.
The road to success is a highly treacherous one, especially in the years it passes through school hallways. The simplest route is the easiest route, and the less work and responsibility attached, the better, similar to carrying less luggage through an airport. It is important to remember that those who demand more are only difficulties in the way of success, and success can only be obtained on a difficulty-free path.
