Calm

The screams of dismay
The cry of convulsion
The howl of anguish
The yell of tribulation
But I am calm

Sitting in the silence
Sitting in the bedlam
Waiting for them to attain my limp body
Waiting for them to mutilate my exhausted figure
But I am calm

They go in order prodding their vexation
They stride from cell to cell
They come and go at intervals during night and day
They laugh at the hunted
But I am calm

The darkness that surrounds me
The cell that is so small and cramped
The perspiration that trickles down my spine
The filth that encloses upon my frame
But I am calm

Hearing the chaos and nothing more
Waiting for my turn
Seeing the others before me and nothing more
Feeling the emptiness within me
But I am clam

My inevitable turn haunts my mind
I did nothing wrong, I thought at the time
Here, in my own personal hell is where I belong
Harming the others around me caused this hurt
But I am calm

The screams terrorize my woken state
My eyelids become weaker and unbearable
My mind happily floating into the great abyss
With no hope of survival
But I am calm

Come and go, come and go
Walking, laughing, smiling
But, when I thought they never would, they stopped
Stopped the chaotic foolishness in front of my cell
But I am calm

There are many of the caged victims
They guide me through the maze-like domicile
There are cries from the hunted
They ridicule the prey
But I am clam

Through the double doors they brought me
To the surgeon they took me
“To save you,” the man assured me
A syringe he gave me
But I am calm


The dark surrounded my white center
All of my happiness was left at the door
The pit of my depths were ripped from my grasps
All my hopes and dreams were tossed aside
But I am calm

It didn’t take long for the juice to kick in
The ceiling of the white room was cloudy, distant
My vision disturbed and all limbs numb
The laughter ceased as well as the minute pain
But I am calm

Hey there! I'm June, and I'm your critic for the moment! Here we go!

Okay! I'm kind of short on time here, so I can't go too indepth on this, so let's do a rather quick overall, dear. If you like, I can come back and be more precise. Here we go:

So! Judging for the line "But I am calm" you are going for the rhythmic repetition here. I like it, but in some places it stumbles.

It's probably in the tenses-- I'm not sure, but, something here needs to be tweaked a bit to fit better. Let's take a look a stanza:

Through the double doors they brought me

To the surgeon they took me

“To save you,” the man assured me

A syringe he gave me

But I am calm

Okay, the thing here is, it's all past tense, until we come to the last line. That could work, but I'm not sure, it's like... disrupting the flow a bit and making it sound too fragmented.


Also! Connectivity! Your stanzas feel loose, dear! There's nothing wrong with having them put vaguely or anything-- it's just that your audience can't connect as well as we should be able to. You kind of lose us each time you begin a new stanza. Just remember to have an audience in mind as you write.

However! I really, truly do like this concept. It's so touching-- although it's rather vague.

Keep it up, dear!

June

Harsh Critique? I think I could give my inner editor a runabout.

I do really like this piece, it scared me a bit at a few points. I don't know if it's intentional, but each time 'But I am calm' is repeated, it seems to have a different tone to it, which works great.

Now...

At first glance this is long, really long. That'll put people off right away. It drags at some points too.

'The screams of dismay / The cry of convulsion / The howl of anguish / The yell of tribulation' - These all say pretty much the same thing. It's better to say it once, and say it right, or maybe just cut this out all together.

The next verse has the repitition of 'sitting' and 'waiting', and the lines have similar meaning. My suggestion is to rewrite these two verses as one.

In fact, the repitition at the beginning of each line needs to change the whole way through. One or two instances of repitition work, but using it this much really drags the piece down.

I like your use of 'they,' it made me kind of nervous trying to work out who 'they' are. 'They laugh at the hunted,' it a really good like to use. It makes them seem like they're not the hunters, but they're just as bad, or worse.

The fifth verse is good, but the repitition of 'nothing more,' needs to go.

'Harming the others around me caused this hurt,' I like this line, the words are similar but the use of them is completely contrasting.

'My mind happily floating into the great abyss / With no hope of survival / But I am calm' - This doesn't make sense. It switches from euphoria to depression to calm too fast. Maybe you could cut out this whole verse. It doesn't really add much, and the poem could still do with a few less verses.

You also switch from present to past tense here, it would be better if everything was the same tense.

'The dark surrounded my white center,' - what's the dark? And what's the white center?
'All of my happiness was left at the door' - This line I do kind of like, but it conflicts with the whole 'I am calm' idea.
The pit of my depths were ripped from my grasps - The meaning of pit and depth are too similar, so this doesn't make sense.
All my hopes and dreams were tossed aside
But I am calm

Overall I'd say you made a really good effort here, there's potential, but it needs work. My main suggestion you pick out the best parts, and either combine or cut out the rest. Loose the repitition - all of it. If you do decide to have another shot at it, let me know, this is a piece I would love to read at its best.

1st stanza: if one of your verbs is going to be plural, unify the entire stanza by making all the verbs plural. Example: "the howls of anguish" instead of "the howl of anguish." Or, go in reverse and flip the first verb to the singular.

5th stanza: the repitition of "nothing more" has to go. You can say it once; all that's needed is to decide where it is going to be placed.

It is also somewhat lengthy. For some people, 12 stanzas could quite possibly be a turnoff, as they neither have the time nor patience to read it. However, for the level of detail, leave the length as it is and take the advice into account for future poems.

As a whole: 7.9/10. Needs some work, but is otherwise good.

Hey ya, I'm Zakku here to give you a review. I really liked your use of repeating "But I am calm." I kind of got lost in the story, I didn't really understand what was happening in some parts.

Hearing the chaos and nothing more

I think you should rephrase this line. The nothing more, kind of doesn't fit in to the rhythm of the poem. Maybe change it to "Hearing only the chaos."
Keep up the good work

I like what you're trying to accomplish, but honestly I was bored through the whole thing. Use more powerful words. Don't let them fall flat. You were being way to vague. I want to know who the speaker is. I want to know why he is in this predicament, and I want to know the extent of his apathy. I simply don't know what is happening! Also it was kinda long-winded. yeah, I know I'm being harsh. Sorry, but I tell It like it is. (Or was, or whatever.)