Night visitor part 7

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Hi here's number 7 :D All the reviews I got last time were brilliant so thanks to everyone who commented on part 6! This part has some explanation but it may be a bit info-dumpy :? if anyone has any suggestions on how to present the information better then let me know :) All reviews are much appreciated- Well, hope you enjoy!


“I’d suggest you get ready quickly- I’m not very patient.”

End of part 6

*

The dress was so light, it felt like Holly was wrapped in cobwebs. The material skimmed her skin, fitting perfectly and just long enough to brush the floor. Holly could imagine herself twirling this way and that in front of her mirror at home, Rosa perched on her bed oohing and ahhing as Holly admired herself. Some cheesy pop music would be playing in the background, perfume choking the room and makeup littering the floor- the typical scene of Holly’s bedroom before a night out. The image seemed so clear in Holly’s head; the excitement, her and Rosa giggling, the comfort of her own room…

She wasn’t at home though- she was outside, walking barefoot along a barely visible path. Instead of her bedroom towering oaks surrounded her, Moonlight filtering through their leaves to bath her in its feeble light. She had no companion to joke with- Zahra walked sliently beside her in the shadows. Holly was in another world here.

Zahra had turned ’politely’ to face the wall after ordering Holly to change. She’d never been far- always present in the corner of Holly’s eye. Holly’s stiff muscles combined with her own uneasiness had made dressing an unfavourable challenge. The room had not been warm and the quiet chamber had provided little cover for gasps and grunts of discomfort.

Whilst peeling back her jacket, Holly had felt a lump in her pocket. On further inspection she’d found an unopened chocolate bar. It had taken her a moment to remember why it was there, to recall the trip to the corner shop when she had shoved the mars bar deep into her coat.

It seems like a lifetime ago…

A lump had caught in Holly’s throat but she’d forced herself to swallow it.

No, I’m not going to break down. Not now.

The earrings had been difficult to attach with Holly's numb and shaking fingers. She’d persisted though- nothing on earth would have persuaded her to ask Zahra for help. Once finished, she’d been scrutinized under Zahra’s piercing gaze and after some time been rewarded with a cold “You’ll do.”

Passageways and staircases blurred together into one long journey in Holly’s mind. Her muscles had ached and her head span slightly, but she dared not slow down incase Zahra decided to aid her- the very thought of Zahra’s marble grip was enough to make Holly shudder.

When they’d emerged into the cool night, Holly had stopped. The breeze was fresh and clean. She’d closed her eyes to enjoy the sensation of it brushing against her cheek. She was stood in a clearing of dense forest, a thick iron door in a large Hillock of earth marking where they had come from. Stars had winked down at her from above, the moon washed her face in white.

“I don’t have to warn you again of my impatience, do I?” Zahra’s icy voice cut into Holly’s peace, knocking her back into the present situation. Immeadietly she had began to move forwards again, her heart sinking with dread at what was to come.

Now she walked. It had been only minutes but with every step she felt weaker, dizzier. The pain that thrummed in every inch of her body increased and she struggled to push onwards.

She had no idea as to what awaited her, but through sheer exhaustion, she now welcomed it- If only it provided her with the mercy of stopping.

What was that?

Holly’s tired ears strained, she tried to wake her mind from its weary state.

Yes. She could definetly hear something. It was the faint murmering of a group of people… quite a few as far as she could tell.

Is that where I’m going?

Zahra and Holly seemed to be travelling in the general direction of the buzz of sound. Holly glanced at her guard and, although there was little light to see by, she could just distinguish Zahra’s eyes sparkling in the dark and a wide, chalky grin.

Holly wondered if she had been too hasty moments earlier- she wasn‘t so sure about reaching her destination. The whole kidnapping experience had been so strange, so terrifying in its unusual events: The hair missing? The stalking? The pill? The dress? What created the most violent stirrings of terror though were the people- if Holly could call them that.

Their alien touch was so inhuman, along with their starved appearances and constant hints that Holly just couldn’t grasp the meaning of. It was as if Holly had been reading a horror story, with her as the main character.

“We’re nearly there now.” Zahra’s voice was filled with anticipation and she increased her pace, Holly dragging her legs faster to keep up.

The trees were thinning slightly, the woods lightening. An orange glow flickered through the forest from not far ahead and the murmering grew louder.

Despite her weakness, Holly felt her heart quicken. Her eyes widened in an attempt to taken in as much detail as possible of what was coming. Possibilities, all terrifying, raced through her mind.

Please, please let me live through this.

As Holly and Zahra broke through the last of the trees, Zahra stopped and spread her arms wide in greeting. "Friends!"

Holly came to a halt too, as the intimidating stare of thirty or so strangers met her. She gasped then bit her lip to prevent from crying out- each and every person in the clearings gaze was focused on Holly. Their appearances were much the same as Joseph and Zahra’s starved formes with only a few healthier exceptions. Some sat on the ground cross-legged but most stood, gathered around a large crackling bonfire. The flame illuminated their emaciated faces, the hollow of their cheeks and the gaping eye sockets exaggerated even further. They looked like animated corpses. Holly could feel their milky probing eyes as dozens of pinpricks upon her skin and she longed to duck back behind the tree line- to hide from the monsters she now saw.

“How brilliant it is to see you all here tonight!” Zahra declared into the now silent clearing. Holly could tell from Zahra’s voice that her face would look horrifically gleeful, but she was too transfixed by the rest of the company to spare a glance.

One of the group stepped slightly forwards and Holly recognised the haunted face of Joseph as he walked slowly towards them. Zahra, to Holly’s horror, grabbed Holly’s wrist and pulled her forwards with her to meet him, nails digging in sharply. Zahra’s stride was long and it took her only a few steps to reach the outskirts of the group and Joseph- Holly scuttling afterwards to keep up and whimpering slightly at the pain.

“All is ready?” Zahra asked in a low voice. The corners of Josephs mouth turned up minutely in an eerie imitation of a half smile and he nodded. Zahra turned back to the people in the clearing, her face alight with glee. “You are going to witness something spectacular- nothing will ever be the same again after this moment!” Her voice boomed, and finally the stare of the others shifted from Holly to her. Zahra took a minute to meet each pair of eyes that looked to her, drinking in their attention. Holly stood frozen beside her, the warmth of the nearby flames licking at her skin.

“We have been unfortunate in our lives as the living.” Zahra began in a loud, clear voice. “We were each powerful, important- yet killed off before our time. And now those who roam the earth are ignorant to the superior beings that once existed and they weedle away their insignificant days, uncaring and oblivious to all that was. We are better than them.”

All those surrounding Zahra hung on her every word, unmoving like statues. Holly felt bewildered and alone.

What is she talking about?

“We did not give in to death, we stayed and, when the time was right, we reached out and snatched back what people took for granted- life. We have found a way to return to this world and stay- no death could keep us from existing!”

Cheers went up from the crowd as Zahra’s words echoed around the clearing. They applauded wildly, as Holly stayed completely still- how to react to such information?

She’s crazy, they’re all crazy. Nothing like this is possible, it doesn’t make sense.

Zahra did not even glance in her direction. She waited a while, allowing the noise of her listeners to fall a little before raising one hand for silence. When she spoke again her tone had taken a new direction- each word was said with bitterness and her face was solemn, no trace of mirth left.

“Sadly, things are still not easy for us. We have found the ability to push the spirits of humans out of the way, so that their bodies are free for us to occupy and use as we see fit. However, not just anyone will do. We need to find a ‘match’- someone who is still open to such a transition. They are few. And what is worse, the vast majority do not fit us perfectly- they waste away and die so that we must move to another or float away into nothingness once more. We maintain our strength- but our forms are withered, with the exception of only a scattering of our kind.”

Zahra bowed her head in a dramatic gesture of woe, many others mirroring her. Holly looked around her in horror as a slight inkling of understanding started to spread in the back of her mind.

No…no. This can’t be right… She’s not… She can’t be…

Zahra looked up and allowed a new grin to slowly stretch across her face, twisting her features. “This will all change tonight!”

Thanks for reading! :)
Last edited by Pippiedooda on Mon Feb 23, 2009 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Your mother is a hamster and your father smells of elderberries"
-Monty Python and The Holy Grail




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Hey!

Thanks for letting me know that this part was up - can you please PM me when part 8 is up too?

I love your description of the dress and how everything would be different if she were at home.

I've got a clearer picture of what Zahra looks like now too thanks to this part. She seems really evil! I love the way you described the others in the clearing too - they seem just as scary as Zahra.

They looked like animated corpses. - very clear description.

I like Zahra's speech to the others in the clearing as it helped set a background to why they have Holly.

I can't wait to find out what happens next. I feel so scared for Holly. I'm still totally gripped!

Gold star!

xDudettex =]
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

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*Screaming in excitement*
OMGOMGOMGOMG. XD I'm hooked. Fo' sure. I'm on the edge of my seat, you have to write more soon before I die ! :O
It's awesome. You should get it published when it's finished >_> xD
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I do believe in fairies... I do! I do!!




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Oh my gosh! I'm not going to correct anything because I didn't see anything to fix. You've put in a ton more details. Thanks for the PM, can't wait to read the next part!
How do ya like that box of papers?!




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Thank ya for the PM. Just reading this I got the shivers. I didn't notice any info dumping. You explained it all in creepy Zahra's speech.

I love how you described the others. I still feel shivers now just thinking of them. You have definitely succeeded in forming a creepy tone. Of course, I was too much in the story to notice anything. All I can manage is praises.

You have left us in an air of suspense. I can't wait to find out what is going to happen. PM me again when part 8 is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Hiya! Sorry for the late review.

The earrings had been fiddly when trying to attach with fumbling fingers.


I find this line a bit too "cute" with the alliteration of "fiddly" "fumbling" and "fingers." I would re-work this so it fits the creepier tone of this.

“You’ll do. Now lets go, shall we?”


"You'll do" looses it's power because you've added on the rest. Since I consider passing the inspection a sign that they are about to leave, I would delete "now lets go, shall we?" to make this really chilling.

Zahra’s icy voice had cut into Holly’s peace


I would delete "had" in this case; because you have established that this is a flashback you don't need it.

Zahra’s voice was filled with anticipation, Holly could see her rub her hands together greedily.


In such an original story, you use that cliche? (the bolded bit) I'm sorry, but this jolted me right out. Back in the day villains could get away with doing that, but not anymore. Come up with something a little more original please.

“Friends!” As Holly and Zahra broke through the last of the trees, Zahra stopped and spread her arms wide in greeting.


I would put ' "Friends!" ' at the end of this line, like so:

As Holly and Zahra broke through the last of the trees, Zahra stopped and spread her arms wide in greeting. “Friends!”

Some sat on the ground cross-legged but most stood gathered around a large crackling bonfire.


Comma after "stood."

“We were each powerful, important. Yet killed off before our time.


Dash instead of a period after "important."

Sadly, things are still not easy for us. Not just any human will do, we need to find a ‘match’


I find the transition between these two ideas rather sharp. It throws me. I understand that you are doing it for dramatic effect (it's working.....), but I still had to read that twice to fully comprehend.

~~

Characters- Good character description so far. I like how the characters are developing their own personalities, and you're doing a good job at giving them more and more depth.

However, please re-think some of your movements for Zahra. The most cliched villain of all time is one who has an evil laugh and makes other gestures that are thought of as "evil." Please, in such an original story, get rid of that.

Creep factor- At a good level for a break. It's still got some of the shiver-inducing creeps that were in the first four/five parts, but now it's not so extreme that we feel like we're being taken on a roller coaster ride that's not stopping. You've leveled out here, while still hinting that something else is going on. I have mentioned the one part where your need for suspense has made me confused, but that's it.

Info-dumps- What info dumps? You've done this well bu tying it into your MC, and you've kept it drawn out enough that it doesn't make us go on information overload.

Overall- Very well done, but I would tinker with the formatting at the beginning. I don't know how well that works as a flash-back. It would probably work just as well as continuous forward motion.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.



This is a house of homes, a sacred place, by human passion made divinely sweet.
— Alfred Joyce Kilmer