See Emily Play

Emily was my pretty little girl.

She was my aristocratic, Aristocats watching princess with brown curly hair.

I watched my daughter kick her tiny legs back and forth on the swing. She did not "Wee!" or "Woo!"; she just closed her eyes and let an uninterrupted stream of air hit her sweet face.

After much pleading to my wife, Penelope, I sauntered joyfully over to the park a few blocks away from us, and to my mild surprise, I found my Emily here. It was, of course, understandable that Emily would be here, since she came here everyday, all by herself. Hey, what was a few blocks? Plus, she was old enough to walk to the park.

Unlike how most people perceive parks, this one was not a haven for tramps and angry drug dealers. We lived in a wholesome community and our park reflected as such. The slides were shiny, almost like a glossy new car. The monkey bars were just high enough for a kid to break his or her arm if he or she fell. At that point, several hidden people would jump out and come to the rescue. The sand was soft enough to be mistaken for comfy pillows torn into minuscule grains. The swings were the happiest place for two reasons. One: They were inspiration for an urchin's imagination. A child could be flung high up in the air, and turn into an astronaut, an acrobat, or even a seagull. Two: My darling girl was in love with them.

Emily was the cherry on top for such quintessential days. Actually, I am not much for cherries, so she was more like a blueberry in my eyes.

"Penelope," I nudged my wife excitedly, "Do you see that beautiful little girl over there?"

Penelope, who was sitting on the bench beside me, gave me a weary glance.

"I'm in no mood to look at any little girls, no matter how pretty they are," she murmured.

"Seriously Nel, look!" Like a young boy showing his parents his macaroni art, I was certain that our sunny little girl could snap out of her eccentric mood. That is to say, Penelope used to be so vivacious and bubbly, but something had changed. I could not put my finger or fingers on it.

Penelope shot me a dirty look and turned her head forward.

"What am I looking at?" she said in a monotone.

"It's Emily darling." I placed my hand on hers.

She drew her hand back and said dangerously low, "Emily?"

"Yes."

"Gale, that's not funny. I got-She's not with-There is no Emily."

"What are you saying? Emily's right there!" I pointed to the swing set, where our daughter started smiling meekly, as her momentum grew.

Penelope, with a look of deep concern, said slowly, "Stop. You just don't say something like that."

I could not believe what I was hearing. How could she deny our daughter's existence?

"They tricked me remember? I was unsure and they all told me it was fine," she continued, "Gale, sweetie, they told me to do it and I did. There is no Emily." Those last four words, which Penelope emphasized, made her hang her head woefully.

"But-Nel, there she is!" I insisted. I stared intensely at my princess, my sunshine, my world. As she swung, her eyes snapped open, revealing the colour brown, like the chocolate she so thoroughly enjoyed. As soon as I thought that, these chocolate eyes began to melt and a wave of terror crashed down upon me. I saw Emily let go of the chains of the swing and she must have flown up forty feet in the air before she fell to the ground.

"Emily!" I yelled. I felt as if my spirit had been ripped from my body as I ran, leaving behind some numb shell.

"Gale! No one is there! Emily is gone!" I could hear my wife's adamant screams of denial.

"Emily!" I called as I reached her. Why was no one swarming over to see if she was alright?

Emily's eyes had melted out of her sockets, and blood had taken their place.

"Gale, you're scaring me! I never had her! I got rid of her!" Penelope's screaming voice shook. She sounded as if she was going to cry.

"Nel! She's right here! She's bleeding! Help her Nel!" I said, my eyes burning so fiercely with water it felt as if my eyes had just been burned out.

"I'm going to get help Gale. You're very ill!"

With that last comment, Penelope hurried off and left me to my tears.

Hi This was a brilliant story- I loved it. It was very involving and well written, great piece of work! On with the review:

she just closed her eyes and let an uninterrupted stream of air hit her sweet face.

Hit is a bit of a violent word and I think it would be better to replace it here with something like 'sweep past'.

Plus, she was old enough to walk to the park.

I'm not that keen on plus, you could replace it with something like Besides.

Unlike how most people perceive parks, this one was not a haven for tramps and angry drug dealers

I wouldn't say haven as although your meaning is clear it kind of invokes the image of good things where I think it would be more effective to say something like 'dump where tramps and angry drug dealers resided' or another negative word.

At that point, several hidden people would jump out and come to the rescue.

Why are the people hidden? Wouldn't they just be people nearby? You could say something like 'several bystanders' instead.

I could not put my finger or fingers on it.

I'm not sure about this sentence- something like 'I couldn't quite put my finger on what' might be better.

I said, my eyes burning so fiercely with water it felt as if my eyes had just been burned out.

I'm not that keen on this sentence. Instead you could say 'I said, my eyes burning so fiercely with water it felt as if they were those of my darling daughters.' or 'it felt like they were aflame.'

Overall comments: I loved the twist at the end, you've written this very cleverly and its extremely effective! I can't really think of anything that can be improved overall- I had thought that he would have had a daughter who died on the swings before and had never accepted it so was now hallucinating as there is some emphasis on the swings, so it would be my preference to have that instead of the wife having an abortion- but I think the ending you did write was just as well done and worked very well

I'm a bit confused as to why people convinced her to give up the baby and why her husband didn't have a say in it- is she too young or did people think she would be an unsuitable mother? I think you might need to add more detail on that.

I enjoyed reading this story, all my comments are just suggestions and I hope I've helped!

Although it pains me to say it, I rather disagree with Pippie. If 'twas just a story about this being his second daughter, and his first had died on the swing, too, it would lose all its potency, all its intrigue. This way, you're torn between realizing he's hallucinating and screaming at Penelope: "SAVE YOUR FRIGGIN' DAUGHTER, SHE'S FRIGGIN' DYING!!"

I loved it, Thai, as I love all your work. The way it started out kind of slow and then rushed past, like a roller coaster, makes your heart go all weird, makes you lean in towards the screen as if you might fall right into it, into the park with Emily and Gale and 'Nel.' I saw you in it, Thai, at times, the way you word stuff, like this:

Emily was the cherry on top for such quintessential days. Actually, I am not much for cherries, so she was more like a blueberry in my eyes.

That sounded so much like you! I could just see us standing in the parking lot by Panda Express, you yelling at the top of your lungs, "I LOVE PANDAS! I LOVE THEIR TENDER MEAT! FIRST I TEAR THEIR LEGS OFF, THEN I SLICE THE MUSCLE FROM THE RED MEAT, AND THEN I EAT IT - RAW!!!"

Which just added to the story all the more. I mean, call it the bias of a friend, but this was wow. Just wow. I see all these stories on here, all the same storyline, boring style, yawnable characters, and then suddenly BAM! There's Thai, with her quirky imagery and oh-so unique style - you simply couldn't mistake her for anyone else.

You rock, dear. You just rock.

-SELA

P.S. And get this published in like, First Things, right now. =D

I really liked this. I mean, "See Emily Play" is my favorite Pink Floyd song, which is very cliche since my name is Emily, but, I really don't care. I liked the idea a lot, I just have one little complaint sort of. It was a little bit confusing and I had to go back and reread it. I mean, it could just be me, because I was multitasking, but still. Anyway, good job!

Hello there, Thai ^^

*Refrains from biting you*

=] Heh, okay. Review it is.

She was my aristocratic, Aristocats watching princess with brown curly hair.

To me, it looked as though you mean that the daughter watches Aristocrats, then I realized it said Aristocats and frowned a little, thinking it was a typo. Finally, it dawned on me that you could mean the Disney movie Aristocats. Then, I wasn't sure what you meant. If you mean the movie, refer to it in the next paragraph again to make it logical. If you mean aristocRats, add the R.

Emily was the cherry on top for such quintessential days.

[s]for[/s] of. It makes more sense that way.

Actually, I am not much for cherries, so she was more like a blueberry in my eyes.

Hmm, I'm not too fond of this.

"I'm in no mood to look at any little girls, no matter how pretty they are," she murmured.

Like a young boy showing his parents his macaroni art, I was certain that our sunny little girl could snap out of her eccentric mood.

Forgot a word here, dearest. "Snap her out of her eccentric mood". Also, are you certain eccentric is the word you want to use to describe her mood?

Emily's eyes had melted out of her sockets, and blood had taken their place.

Melted seems like an odd way to desribe this.

"Gale, you're scaring me! I never had her! I got rid of her!" Penelope's screaming voice shook. She sounded as if she was going to cry.

Eh? Huh? Never had her? Got rid of her? Up until this point I assumed Emily had died, on the swings, and that her father wasn't able to let it go, living in delusions. Now it sounds like the mother aborted her? I'm not quite sure what's going on here, but it doesn't make sense to me anymore. It sounds like she was aborted, in which case Gale wouldn't know what she'd have looked like, etc.

"Nel! She's right here! She's bleeding! Help her Nel!"

Comma inbetween her and Nel.

I said, my eyes burning so fiercely with water it felt as if my eyes had just been burned out.

You use "eyes" twice in this sentence.

Overall: Well-written, nice description, very good topic, and ... *Gold star*

If I were you, though, I would change the mother's words, for they confuse the reader at the end of the story, which isn't a good thing.

PM me for anything!

XxxDo

Thai food is kind of like the bottom of someone's shoes that they never wear. I can't believe it took me so long to review this. Of course I read it as soon as it appeared, but it's more difficult to review GOOD stories, something I don't do often.

Anyhow, yes. I'll just point out some technical points before actually saying something that could be useful.

She was my aristocratic, Aristocats watching princess with brown curly hair.

It would be Aristocats-watching.

The swings were the happiest place for two reasons. One: They were inspiration for an urchin's imagination. A child could be flung high up in the air, and turn into an astronaut, an acrobat, or even a seagull. Two: My darling girl was in love with them.

I feel like the punctuation here is a little confused. I believe it would look better like this:

The swings were the happiest place for two reasons. One, they were inspiration for an urchin's imagination; a child could be flung high up in the air, and turn into an astronaut, an acrobat, or even a seagull. And, two, my darling girl was in love with them.

That just seems a little smoother.

"Penelope," I nudged my wife excitedly, "Do you see that beautiful little girl over there?"

'Do' doesn't need to be capitalized.

"Gale, that's not funny. I got-She's not with-There is no Emily."

I think it would be: I got--She's not with--There is no Emily.

"They tricked me remember? I was unsure and they all told me it was fine," she continued, "Gale, sweetie, they told me to do it and I did. There is no Emily."

Period after 'continued'. And I feel like there could be more emotion here. I feel like she would either be angry or scared by this time, and yet she sounds very matter-of-fact. Try something else with this part.

"I'm going to get help Gale. You're very ill!" With that last comment, Penelope hurried off and left me to my tears.

This seemed a little anti-climactic. Penelope does not seem hysterical the way I would expect her to be. I'm not absolutely certain what would fit better here, but I feel like Penelope would try to comfort her boyfriend/husband before she just ran off--or, more likely, she would end up crying as much or more than him. Anyway, even if that doesn't sound right, what you do have doesn't seem right either. I'm sure you'll think of something cool.

Ah. Okay, that's done. This was really a brilliant idea. The voice of the MC was just as clear and vivid as I have come to expect from you. I found Penelope's depression fairly clear at the beginning, but then her character sort of petered out. I'm sure if you can get a clearer picture of her, she'll be more visible to the rest of us.

I loved the description of Emily, and the park, but I would have liked to see the sky and circles under Penelopes eyes, and the way her hands keep twitching or her fingers are bleeding because she bites her nails... too much. I would sort of like to see Gale, too, but that isn't as necessary. I think he's a great character.

Well, that's all I have. Very frightening picture you've given me, but always a good reminder. Don't forget the babies that live. I wouldn't be here if there weren't a few of them.

LOVE IN YOUR DIRECTION.