So, I have a problem with your prologue. All it is is the narrator telling the story in a few words, in a monotone voice...not good! It would be better if the story was told through a flashback, through dialogue, or not at all, in fact. Take some time and think about how you could let us know what happened without just writing down what happened, or if you need to tell us.
The first paragraph of Chapter 1 as well. I'm giving you a link to an article that should, hopefully, help you fix this.
In the second paragraph, I was confused at first as to who the narrator's mother was. Perhaps you could clarify by adding a my mother, Dena, or whatever you like, just to let us know for sure.
Unless it's a question, in which case a question mark should be at after Splintarus. The back to me part is unnecessary, because she is saying his name and it's implied anyway. Take a look at the link (Dialogue Grammar) and correct the dialogue.
So! Basically, I think you need more showing. I know you probably hear that all the time - so do I! - but it really is necessary for an effective piece of writing. This plot is good and fairly interesting, so I don't think that needs work, just the actual writing technique.
One suggestion I have is to go to one of your favorite places and write down everything you see. And don't just notice the coffee mug, but the lipstick marks on the coffee mark; or whatever. Practice describing, practice showing, practice writing, and you'll be an amazing writer. I can already tell you have oodles of creativity!
PM me if you need anything! -Mars
'life tastes sweeter when it's wrapped in poetry' -the wombats
Doesn't this belong in Fantasy Fiction? Then again, it's going to be Action/Adventure so why not?
Prologue:
Not a fan. I don't think you even need the prologue there anymore. That could be the synopsis, or the back of the book, or the inside of the book jacket. The prologue doesn't need to be there in the first place because it sounds generic. But hey, foreshadowing counts for something, right?
Chapter 1:
I'm basically going to say the same thing as Mars- please show and don't tell. Maybe you could expand a little bit on what the kid felt like with his mother's death, what it felt like to be held by his father, or what Avery looked like. Things like that to help describe the setting more and where exactly we are in your world.
I think that this definitely has potential if you would edit it. I think that you must be very intelligent to have come up with this world on your own- I can't do that! That's why I admire fantasy writers! Overall, great job. I want to see where you go with this!
