Jordan Baker

I hate having hair in my face. But what I hate more is the way I look without bangs. So I tough it out.
Whenever I get my bangs cut, it seems like they are too short for a week, just the right length for four days, then too long for monnnnthhssss. My bangs like to hover at that awkward length that is always a bit too short to tuck neatly behind my ear.
I often find myself tipping my head back so the hair will slide away from my eyes. I tip my head back – and tilt my chin up. As if I am balancing some invisible something on it which is quite likely to fall. I imagine a flash of a white dress ballooning in the breeze and I am Jordan Baker.
Sometimes I look around at the boys in the room and wonder if they would ever notice a raised chin, a tanned brow, a wan mouth. I wonder if one of them might be a Nick Carraway. Maybe one day I’ll be driving and he’ll tell me I’m a rotten driver. I’d take being incurable dishonest if only I could be a jaunty little flapper from the jazz age.
The Great Gatsby is the standard by which I judge beauty. I give up and swat the bangs out of my eyes, groaning a bit and lowering my chin.

To be honest, I really don’t understand this piece. It seems to lack direction and connection. And that is in fact the real problem I find in this. The paragraphs need to flow together better. Aside from that, I didn’t see much that needed to be fixed as far as grammar goes but I wanted to make some friendly recommendations to improve the way your piece reads.

I hate having hair in my face. But what I hate more is the way I look without bangs. So I tough it out.

“I hate when my hair falls in my face. But I hate the way I look without bangs even more, so I tough it out.”

Whenever I get my bangs cut, it seems like they are too short for a week, just the right length for four days, then too long for monnnnthhssss. My bangs like to hover at that awkward length that is always a bit too short to tuck neatly behind my ear

“And it seems like whenever I get my bangs cut, they’re too short for a week, just the right length for four days, and eventually too long for months. (The over-exaggeration of the word months was pretty much unnecessary.) And even when they’re too long, they never seem to reach far enough that I’m able to tuck them neatly behind my ears.”

I tip my head back – and tilt my chin up. As if I am balancing some invisible something on it which is quite likely to fall.

I actually rather like the idea of this section. But it has so many pauses that it seems to be stuck in motion.

“I tip my head back and tilt my chin up as if I am balancing some invisible something upon my nose which is very likely to fall at any moment.

I’d take being [b]incurable[/] dishonest if only I could be a jaunty little flapper from the jazz age.

“incurable” into “incurably”

Also, this one sentence really deserves to be its own paragraph. Its meaning is very different from that of the sentences before it and this idea could be stretched upon a bit and developed into a more meaningful paragraph.

The Great Gatsby is the standard by which I judge beauty. I give up and swat the bangs out of my eyes, groaning a bit and lowering my chin.

\

“For you see, The Great Gatsby is the standard by which I judge beauty.”

This could possibly, after some added details, become part of the previous sentence.



“But in the end I give up, swat the bangs from my eyes, groan just a bit, and lower my chin.”


Overall, I actually enjoyed this quite a bit once I understood the names mentioned. (I’ve never read The Great Gatsby so I was a bit confused). But this is actually very cute. Oh, and I forgot to mention, my style of reviewing is a bit…different, but I figure one of the best ways to teach is by example. So the altered versions I gave are only suggestions on how it could have been presented, not how it HAS to be written. In the end, its up to you, the writer.