Say You Mean It - 1.1

This is not the entire first chapter, because it was a little too lengthy for YWS. And I'm not sure that I'll continue posting this, because I'm keeping it on the D.L. until I'm finished. But just wanted to give you guys a taste and see what you think? It's rough, mind you, because I've been plowing through it and haven't looked back. It might sound a little like Because in the beginning, what with the theme of crazy-stalker I have going in all my books. But it does veer off onto an entirely different course, believe me. So enjoy. Hope you like.

1.1

All my life I had watched my mom being adored by the crowds. Loved by strangers and a hypnotizing sex symbol with her music. Every show I stood behind her, somewhere in the shadows. It never occurred to me to be unhappy backstage. Not for a while, at least.
When I was younger, I was awed by the fact that the great Felicity Dawn was my mother. I would stare at her as she got ready in front of the mirror, her makeup heavy and her outfit practically nonexistent on her perfect size four body. Always, just before she got ready to head on the stage, where they were all screaming for her, she would blow a kiss at her reflection.
“Wish me luck, honey,” she would say to me, brushing her hair back in that elegant, familiar flip of the hand. She didn’t even look at me as she left the room.
“Good luck,” I always said back. Even if she was out of hearing range and already becoming the performer that had no other life than to sing for and please the fans.
Her career didn’t hit off until I was fourteen. We’d been traveling around the country in the beat-up Taurus before that, going to trashy clubs or popular bars—wherever Mom could get a job. She would leave me in a corner wherever as she went up front with her guitar, brushing her hair back over her shoulder.
“This is for anyone who ever wanted more,” she used to say, and wink at me as she strummed her fingers down the guitar strings.
It was my guitar now. Mom had given it to me after the record deal, when she was able to buy brand new top-of-the-line guitars that she wouldn’t even play. I never told her that I almost missed those days when she needed the beat up one, when we slept in Motel 6’s and stayed at Grandma’s when we were flat-out broke.
“Isn’t this the life you’ve always wanted?” she asked me sometimes, when she had a moment to give to me. More often than not it was on an airplane, thousands of feet up in the air and with nothing else to do but talk to me.
She never seemed to notice the pause before my answer. “Yeah, Mom. It is.”
My mother nodded, winking at me in her way, and opened her compact mirror to smear on some more lipstick. “Is that a wrinkle?” she hissed, bringing the mirror closer to her face. “My God, Autumn, is that a wrinkle?” She shoved the mirror in my face.
“No, Mom. You look great. Don’t worry.”
Scowling, she only flapped her hand at me in a shut up motion.
Mom had had a fear of age ever since I could remember. Sometimes I thought that it was all I was good for, around her. Reassuring her, telling her, No, Mom. You aren’t even close to old age. It’ll be years before you get a wrinkle.
Grandma used to harp about it. “What does a wrinkle matter?” she would snap, holding the TV remote tightly in her tiny hand and keeping her faded blue eyes glued to the screen. Jeopardy was her favorite pastime. “You have a daughter, Felicity. You aren’t sixteen anymore. It’s time to grow up and take care of your family. What does a wrinkle matter?” she repeated.
I missed Grandma, too. Mom never had time to take us for a visit anymore, since the touring began. It had crossed my mind more than once to just pack up and leave her, and go live with Grandma. She was really the only person who seemed to realize that I existed. Half the people Mom talked to regularly didn’t even know my name. They thought I was just Felicity Dawn’s cousin, or her hired help, or her hair and make-up artist—Mom had forbidden me from ever telling anyone that I was her child.
Not that Mom’s budding career didn’t have its benefits. I got to travel around the U.S. with her, after all. Her producers were telling Mom that soon her album would be going to other countries, too. I got a free backstage pass to every one of her concerts.
Every time the announcer boomed those words, I felt a little tingle travel down my spine. “And now let’s all give a great, big welcome to the biggest pop star in 2009, Felicity Dawn!”
And every time the crowd went nuts. Screaming, waving their signs and wearing the t-shirts. We love you, Felicity!
Would they love her if they had been me? If they had been the ones to drag their drunk mother out of the bar at thirteen years old, having to stand there and watch as she vomited all over their worn sneakers? Had to listen to her rant all the time about how horrible men were, how happiness could only be achieved by money and fame, how real love didn’t exist?
I didn’t know if I believed her. I had known some good men in my life. There was that grocery store manager Richard Olsen, who Mom had dated for a while when we settled down for a few months in Las Vegas. And Willis Cornwall, the crane operator in New York. Both really nice guys. Richard always brought me candy when he came over to take Mom out, and Willis was friendly and asked me questions about myself.
And as for money and fame… I honestly didn’t know. Mom actually did seem happier since the record deal and the touring. She didn’t drink anymore, and she had said barely a word about what dicks the male species were. She didn’t seem so convinced that the entire world was scheming to screw her over anymore.
But love. What did I know about love? I couldn’t even remotely claim that I had ever had a taste of it. There had been that kiss with Quinton Alexander in the second grade, but that hardly counted, since he’d pushed me and I’d scraped my knee, and the kiss had only been to get me to shut up and not tell the teacher.
“Love is a fairy tale, sugar,” Mom told me in one of her drunken stupors. I still remember the cigarette she’d had dangling limply from her fingers. “Why do you think there’re so many stories about it, but you never see it? It’s because it’s not real, that’s why. Take a look at your father and me. Damn, I thought I loved that man.” She laughed a little and put the cigarette between her lips, inhaling. “What an asshole.”
My father had been a chef. Mom showed me a picture of him once, right before she crumpled it up and tossed it out the car window on the highway. Wearing the tall chef hat, he’d been standing behind a display of bread, diligently looking at the customer opposite him. I had his Widow’s Peak and long nose. Mom was paler, with blond hair and blue eyes. My eyes were my own, a bright green that neither of my parents had. For that reason I was proud of them.
I never asked much about my father. What was the point, really? He wasn’t in our lives, and had no apparent interest to track us down, after Mom dumped him and moved west with me.
I wasn’t entirely unhappy with our lives. Just not… happy. Angry, if nothing else. While the life on the road had been hard, at least I’d had a Mom, of sorts. Now, after she’d become the fabulous Felicity Dawn, I was no one to her. No one at all. My life had become some sort of void, and I was a groupie. When Felicity Dawn snapped her fingers, I came running, always. It was who I was—every time I tried to say no, tried to stand up on my own, I felt as if she was ready to tear me down again.
It stayed that way for the long months my mom built up her fame. Going from concert to concert, listening to the same shallow songs over and over again. Because of who I was, I believed that I would never be able to change it.
Until something happened that would change my life forever. Something that would give me nightmares until the day I died and endanger my life in a way that it never had been before.
I met Thor Williams.
It was at one of Mom’s concerts in Salt Lake City. There was no way I could have known what kind of person he was, how I would regret ever talking to him. At least that’s what I told myself. He was so beautiful, so easy to talk to. Why did he have to choose me?
A friend told me it was because of how I presented myself. “You’re so innocent,” she said. “You know? I mean, despite all the stuff you’ve been through, you still kind of seem like a lost little girl.”
“But I can be mean,” I argued. “I get mad.”
“Yeah, but you always keep quiet about it. You’re just too much of a good person, Autumn.” My friend smiled sadly. “Good people are always the ones that are hurt the most.”
And I had to believe her. It had to be true. That night in Salt Lake City proved it.

I really enjoyed this piece, I thought it was a great opening to a story and very well written- especially for someone who has just been plowing through and not looking back at their work! I'd love to read more on this so I hope you continue to post more On with the review- alot of the comments I make are down to my preference with wording and sentence arrangement so ignore me if you think differently :

Loved by strangers and a hypnotizing sex symbol with her music.

I think it might sound better replacing 'and a' with 'for being a'.

“Wish me luck, honey,” she would say to me, brushing her hair back in that elegant, familiar flip of the hand.

I'd change 'in that' to 'with that'.

Even if she was out of hearing range and already becoming the performer that had no other life than to sing for and please the fans.

To break this sentence up a little as it's quite long I'd change the and after 'hearing range' to a dash.

She would leave me in a corner wherever as she went up front with her guitar,

I'm not that keen on 'leave me in a corner wherever', you could replace it with something like 'leave me in some corner'.

“Is that a wrinkle?” she hissed, bringing the mirror closer to her face. “My God, Autumn, is that a wrinkle?” She shoved the mirror in my face.

I like how you describe this moment but if you brought the mirror close to Autumn's face then it wouldn't show her mothers face anymore- instead maybe her mother could lean in towards her?

Sometimes I thought that it was all I was good for, around her.

I missed Grandma, too.

I don't think you need the comma's in either of these sentences, I'm generally not that good at punctuation but I'll try to point it out where I can

Her producers were telling Mom that soon her album would be going to other countries, too.

Instead of 'were telling' I'd say told and I'm not sure if you need the comma here either.

Every time the announcer boomed those words, I felt a little tingle travel down my spine. “And now let’s all give a great, big welcome to the biggest pop star in 2009, Felicity Dawn!”

I'd switch the sentences around so you have the speech first.

If they had been the ones to drag their drunk mother out of the bar at thirteen years old

I kind of thought from the story that she would do this often so I'd change 'the bar' to bars.

She laughed a little and put the cigarette between her lips, inhaling.

I think it might be better to say something like 'and took a long drag from her ciggerette.'

diligently looking at the customer opposite him.

I'm not sure if dilligently is the right word to use here, smiling warmly or awaiting orders from might work better.

Until something happened that would change my life forever. Something that would give me nightmares until the day I died and endanger my life in a way that it never had been before.

As you just said change before I'd change this change to alter. I'm not that keen on the second sentence, I think you could say something more effective about the danger she would from then on face and how differnet her life would be. For instance something like ' Something that would plunge me into danger and irrevocably push me into a new, and much more sinister, direction.'

Loved the way you ended!

Overall thoughts- I think you have done well in introducing the characters, but a little added description might be good. For instance instead of just saying 'brushing her hair back' you could say her silky golden hair. You do mention descriptions on Autumn and her mother but only once it comes down to the photo and I think if you added little snippets of how they looked in the events you written about before this it would be a more effective way of painting a picture for the reader. I'd also like to hear a bit about her mums voice when she speaks- is it sickly sweet? overly bright? I always like to know how the characters I read about sound otherwise its hard to imagine them talking.

I like how you show little pieces of Autmumns life up until the main event we are yet to find about- I think its nicely done You mention at the end about a friend of Autumns- this is something that I think you could detail a bit more, about how Autumn has to cope with friends and stuff whilst moving around as clearly this would be a big effect on her social life.

I noticed a couple of punctuation mistakes with comma's, I have pointed out a couple but there may be more (I'm not good on picking up on them generally).

I am really interested as to what is happening in the story so far- I really want to know what happens next!! I think that overall you have done really well- how you've begun has really hooked me in, like I said, I really hope you continue *star*

Hey =]

I really liked this. You built up a good background to your MC's life using memories and conversations and i liked the way you changed the mood of the piece by bringing in Thor Williams - even though we don't get to find out much about him yet.

I liked the bit about her eyes too, how she was proud of them because they were her own and not like either of her parents. Little touches like that help me to build up an image of what the character looks like and her personality.

Even though you might not continue posting this, it's got me interested and i'd definitely read more if you did post the next part.

I'm keen to find out how Thor Williams changed her life as you said that the story veers off onto a different course.

Great job!

xDudettex

As usual, you keep the reader interested, curious, and at the end of the chapter, all they want is to scroll up and find more of story, waiting to be read - but I've followed like, two or three of your other stories, and although they are very well-written, gripping, and interesting, they all seem to have pretty much the exact same theme: sweet, nice, normal girl, not really exceptional or quirky, just... there, and then the amazingly beautiful guy, cruel, twisted, but so enticing. It's a really cool kind of storyline, but, I mean, you can only write it so many times.

I don't like to nitpick - and I didn't see any really big punctuation/grammar/spelling mistakes, nothing that can't be fixed with one or two read-overs. =D

Anyway, so that's my input. Good story, but maybe switch it around a little bit, get some fresh ideas. We all know what a fantastic writer you are.

-SELA

P.S. Like you said, it veers off, but what I noticed even more is how much Autumn reminds me of Becca, of that werewolf girl in By Sun, By Moon.

Hey KJ!!

Wow, it seems like a while since I've read anything from you. And as always, this was a very good read and I think it's a very good idea. Autumn, lovely name by the way, is a well developed character. I really didn't find any mistakes but I do hope that this story continues to go well!

Keep writing,

~Angel

Thanks you two. And Sela - thanks for being honest. But I actually do think that Autumn is a little different. She just doesn't emerge and show this until later... But again, thanks for your comment and opinions.

Hello.
God this is such a good story line, I don't think I even have one complaint except for...
Whens more?
I like the mystery behind Autumn, as you don't really know exactly who she is.
But I'm aching to know.
And its always exciting to have a beautiful heart breaking boy somewhere in the story.
You should be proud, I usually don't read stories that are this long.
But this was bringing me in closer and closer,
I want to say a page turner but no its a mouse scroller.
Can't wait til you post more.
There were a few puncuation mistakes here and there but they were too small to notice.
And the story was too bloody good.
Well done

Hey there, KJ.

Loved by strangers and a hypnotizing sex symbol with her music.

This sentence doesn’t flow so well. Restructure it, maybe? Something along the lines of “Loved by strangers, her and her music were a hypnotizing sex symbol". Not a great suggestion, but hey, you get what I mean ^^

Always, just before she got ready to head on the stage, [s]on the stage[/s] to the stage/to head onstage.

“Good luck,” I always said back Cut the "back", it doesn't add anything.

pop star in 2009, Felicity Dawn!” [s]in[/s] of

Hm, that's all for the nitpicks. Nothing more that hasn't been pointed out by other reviewers.

^^ I enjoyed reading that. I'm very curious to see where this story leads. Yes, it obviously veers off, and I think you pulled this off very well. You're showing us her past, and then smoothly shift the storyline. Well done!

PM me when the next part is up, and I'll come review.

XxxDo

Kelsey, before I start my review, I see that you have another fan base already. Gosh, I get so jealous of your work. I wish I could plow through stories like you do... I guess I just have to work harder for my stories *sigh*

On with the reveiw...

Loved by strangers and a hypnotizing sex symbol with her music.

Someone above me already pointed this out but I do think this is awkward. Try a different rewording.

~ ~ ~ ~

Other than the above suggestion, I thought you have a very good idea. This chapter did kind of hint at Because so I might change that part about Thor being beautiful yet dangerous. Just screamed your other book to me. Otherwise, it was pretty good. It was a slow starter, to be honest with you, so you might want to heat that up a little.

Well, I'm on to the next chapter