In Envy Of Goldfish,... really raw copy so attack! :-)

Memory sweet memory
You seek only to remind me
Of blackened skies and acid rain
Of gaping holes and inner pain
Of cracks in walls and screams from beds
Of nightmare dreams and severed heads
An itch, a desperate lonely cold
A heartless bitch, a deathly hold
A prick of light in dark despair
In stale, foetid, frigid air
A hope! A tiny hope for me!
Now it’s all that I can see!
Cyan skies and rolling hills,
Deep breaths, skipped beats and electric thrills
Sunsets made of purest gold
Lightning strikes so sharp and bold
Waves over rocks and spray on my skin
Broken locks and laughter within
Ten young fingers intertwined
The softest lips and sunburnt mine
The brightest smile the most beautiful eyes
All just crushing, cunning lies
What’s beautiful is dead and done
It blisters beneath a blinding sun
Memory, cold memory
I know now what you are to me
And I think to surrender my final breath
So that then no longer can u remind me of death

Hey erratik_statik! Welcome to YWS!

Memory sweet memory
Comma after the first memory, no?

Deep breaths, skipped beats and electric thrills
I could be reading this differently, but I think this line would read more smoothly if you got rid of the and. It's an extra syllable, and you don't really need it.

The brightest smile the most beautiful eyes
Again, comma after smile, right?

So that then no longer can u remind me of death
You, not u! And this line is a bit awkward, so I'd suggest getting rid of the that. Then, again, it would read more smoothly. And I'm not even sure if that is grammatically correct here.

So, I really, really like this! Well done. I like how it begins kind of darkly, and it seems to build up a crescendo, getting more loud, and then the poem turns to light and happiness (at A prick of light...) and seems to inflate, and get wild, and excited, and then the narrator is crushed, again, at the end. It's wonderful, really.

Now, the rhyme scheme. Not many poets can pull off a rhyme scheme, especially an AABBCC scheme like this one. And I think you did. So well done, there, as well. I do have one formatting suggestion, and that is stanzas. I don't know if you thought about dividing this into stanzas and decided against it, or just didn't think about it, but stanzas could make this even more effective IMO. Right now, the tone of the poem is, as I said above, starting out quiet, rising to a crescendo, and then deflated. And, as I said above, I like that. But stanzas could make the tone even more apparent, I think, because they give you even more decisions about where the readers stops to take a breath, where the idea ends, etc.

Like, this is just an idea, but the beginning could be in tercets or couplets, which would start it out slow, and then the whole happy middle could be in its own chunk, and then the end could be a couplet...Ah, I don't know. I just think this poem is too good not to improve on it.

I'm not sure I get the title, except that I think I recall something about goldfish not having memory, in which case it is perfectly apt. Or I'm totally wrong. Whatever.

Anyway. Good job, I'll be looking forward to seeing more of your work! PM me if you have any questions or need help or another review or whatever.

-Mars

Hey there Welcome to YWS.
The review above covered all the grammatical things I noticed, so I won't bother repeating them. I think this poem worked without being broken up into stanzas. It all depends on the content and how you present it. You did the rhyming weel. It did not feel forced, and I found a natural rhytym as I read it. I like the progression of the story as the poem moves along. Again, Mars already mentioned all my nit picks, so I have nothing but positives to say. nice job.

I havn't looked at this since I wrote it, so I didn't know there was so many errors! Thanks for fixing it up for me it sounds heaps better now.

As for the stanzas, I think it could use them, although I didn't know where to make the breaks... so I just left it to see what people think. I like your ideas though I will definitely give them a try.

Thanks.

I like poetry that makes me feel what the author wants me to feel. Even if it had some grammatical mistakes I still loved it.

Hi Brendan! Jon here!

Memory sweet memory

Shouldn't this be, "Memory, sweet memory"?
It really does sound better with the comma there.

An itch, a desperate lonely cold

This line stops the quick paced flow you had going on. Get rid of "desperate" or "Lonely". Either one will work, but I'd suggest taking out "Lonely".

Deep breaths, skipped beats and electric thrills

I suggest switching "and" to "with". But either way this line stops the flow you had. Mess around with it.

Waves over rocks and spray on my skin

When you say, "and spray on my skin" it sounds like it's an order. Like you're commanding it to do it. Say something like, "Wave-splashed rocks that spray my skin".

The brightest smile the most beautiful eyes

Comma between "smile" and "the". You lack a lot of punctuation throughout this piece, add some!

So that then no longer can u remind me of death

Aaah! Brendan, no! "U" is "you" Also, this last line is too long. You have this problem with syllables throughout the piece as well.


Overall: This wasn't your best work. Use punctuation in poetry. I mean, it doesn't have to be there, but it makes it a whole lot better sounding. I know that you know how to write a poem. You need to edit this Statik Style. xD Statik Style.


Anyway! Fix it up!


---Jon---