Holy Rolling (1)

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[jerry]

The heat blistered the ground until the dirt dried up and you could crumble in between your fingers, red and chalky. Trees stood by the way, miserable and bent-backed, peel-skinned as desperados and the air chugged and slurred. People stayed inside. They stayed inside and sat on their couches and fanned themselves with old magazines. Insects died. Slim-bellied cockroaches with retracted, jointed legs. So many fly bodies on the kitchen floor and in the sink and along the window sill. Old, clicking locusts clipped along the dead roads, stuttering telegraphic Morse with their wings. Coghill County was listless and dry-lipped as it was regarded by the sun, ticking and overheated, like a cooling engine.
Jerry and his sister Annie walked the road barefoot. Jerry didn't have his shirt on. His chest was skinny and young, his nipples were bee-stings. His jaw was slung open slightly because it was so hot and so his tongue was tacky as candy. Annie trudged beside her big brother with hard, grim eyes, her lips small and red and beautiful. A little gauze of sweat bandaged their faces. And the heat did its best to dry them out, to smelt them down. But they kept walking. Thrust-jawed and clench-fisted.
Annie looked sideways at Jerry. “How much farther?”
Jerry chewed on the words for a little bit. “Half-mile maybe. But we're gonna cut through the trees right up there and it'll be a little cooler in there.”
“Okay.”
They walked up until they came to a speed limit sign fallen over the back of a barbed fence that penned all the trees in. The two kids walked off the road and Jerry helped his sister over the fence, and then stepped carefully over himself. The trees hid their greenery like a sin. They kept it out of reach and choked. A quiet whisper played through the fingers of the trees – an insubstantial suggestion of wind above the tree tops – but otherwise the woods they walked through were silent. The mean dry deadness of the day settled over everything, sitting in the crooked limbs of the trees. Their feet broke twigs and old leaves, the only noise.
“Are they gonna come looking for us, Jerry?”
“Nah,” he said. “Weather like this makes all the grown-ups fat. They just sit around and talk. Probably won't even notice we're gone.”
“We could've finished our chores at least.”
“Not a chance. Can't even barely breathe. Never been this hot before. No one will blame no one for taking a little break.”
“What if the water's all dried up?”
“Be a godawful shame.”
“Don't cuss, Jerry.”
“Shoot, kid, we're not in sunday school right now. I can do what I want.”
Annie shrugs. Her little flowerprint dress is sucked up against the skin with all her sweat, and you can see her bony, hipless shape. Her tongue slithering out of her mouth to lick her lips, like a timid cuckoo emerging from the geared guts of a clock. “How much longer?”
“Have some patience.”
They walked a little further, picking through the dead skeletal tallgrass and the wiry blackberry vines that grabbed at them like barren mothers hungry for a child. The sound of running water trickled through the heat and the trees, lyrical and giggling. They picked up their pace. A little while longer, rooting down the slumped back of a bank, where knobby tree-roots stood out of the ground, and they came to a little river. Muddy and sick. Bloated and fat with the heat, too. Silty. Warm. But the children still whooped and stripped off their clothes and waded in, splashing water all over, laughing and slipping on the scummy turtlebacks of stones and clutter. Their little white toes, turning pink and wrinkly. Hair stringy and pressed against their faces, breathless mouths. Gulping and tasting. Holding out against the current which pulled vaguely at their ankles. Jerry dove underwater. Annie waded towards the other bank, looking for frogs. She stepped carefully, the soles of her feet tender and unmapped.
Jerry popped out of the water a little ways down stream. “Hey, Annie! C'mere! I'll show you how to swim a little!”
She didn't answer.
He looked for her, water dribbling down his forehead and into his eyes, and couldn't see her.
A little drill of worry wheedled into his chest and he stood upright in the water and came splashing towards where he had last seen his sister. “Annie!”
Again, no answer.
The water played with his feet demurely, like a lazy whore.
He came around the shallow bend of the river and saw her, standing in the reeds of the other bank, her back towards him. He breathed out. “Godssakes, kid! Why didn't you answer me?”
Annie didn't move.
She stood still in the heat, waxy-backed and a shawl of water droplets on her skin.
“Annie.”
He sloshed towards her.
Cicadas murmured.
“Annie. Kid. What's the matter?”
She was breathing thinly. A tinny wheeze. Her eyes shrunken and stained iodine. Shivering ever so slightly. He could feel the vibrations. She lifted her hand. She pointed deep in the reeds.
Jerry looked.
His throat tightened.
A man. Face up. Soggy with water and decomposing. His mouth open and drained, all of his teeth missing so that his lips curled around the trench of his mirthless smile. His eyes slitted and wrinkly, like little, starchy apples that you feed to a pasture horse. His cheesecloth skin limp and gray. A subtle, dead animal smell. Flies. Heaving and flitting on his skin, so that it looked as if he was still alive and his corpsy flesh was twitching and writhing in silent agony. Jerry looked away. The stench was stronger now. He grabbed Annie's arm.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Splayed out there. His shoes were missing. Bony, black toes – like berries to be picked. Water nudging up against him. False movement. Eerie ghost lights in his rotting eyes. Flabby, wormy cheeks.
Let's go, godssakes!
He yanked on Annie's arm and lost his balance, falling face first into the water. He came up choking and gulping and retching. Swearing at Annie. Annie moving out of the water dazed. Quiet. Empty-faced. He scrambled up on the bank, cussing, pulling up his trousers. Toes squelching sickly in the hot mud. C'mon! C'mon! Let's get out of here! Godssakes, we need to tell somebody!
The heat spoiled.
Last edited by Kylan on Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




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lol. 'Insects died.' Very nice sentence.
If anything it could've been a bit longer. And I would do without the 'skinny jews' part. There are better comparisons out there, I don't think it was that useful.
It was very good though. Kind of genius, I'll be looking for part two.
This was very good work, in my opinion.

-Ares.




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Huh. This caught my eye to read, so I just have a few comments to drop in. ^_^

Annie shrugs. Her little flowerprint dress is sucked up against the skin with all her sweat, and you can see her bony, hipless shape. Her tongue slithering out of her mouth to lick her lips, like a timid cuckoo emerging from the geared guts of a clock. “How much longer?”


I don't know if you noticed/meant to do this, but the tense changes here from past to present. It's distracting and I don't like it. If, however, you meant to, then yeah. xD That's up to you, I suppose. ^_^

The water played with his feet demurely, like a lazy whore.


I thought that there was kind of a conflict between the age you describe the kids as and the descriptions you use. The language Jerry uses, even, though it's not the worst, sort of suggests him as a bit older than a kid with 'tiny white toes', you know? Then harsh descriptions like 'lazy whore', as we have here, kind of provide another jolt and I don't really like it. Your description of the heat is beautiful and lulls the reader just as the people in the story are lulled, so moments like these really ruin the flow of the story. Well, they did for me, at least.

Her eyes shrunken and stained iodine. Shivering ever so slightly. He could feel the vibrations. She lifted her hand. She pointed deep in the reeds.


Though I recognize that the short sentences/fragments are meant as a way to build tension, I think your language here does that well enough on its own and you don't actually need to make this section as choppy as it is. ^_^ I also don't quite get the phrase 'stained iodine', but I suppose that's just me. Hehe.

Through the end, I was wondering if you might put quotation marks around the thoughts that I assume are Jerry's? It would just make it more consistent with the rest of the work.

I really love the way you weave your words! At some points, however, simile after simile got a /bit/ distracting. Sometimes it's refreshing to just say that the trees were closely bunched or something like that, in my opinion.

Consider making the age of the children clearer and making the writing a little less dense. This, however, is excellent work! =]

-Hannah-




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I really have very little to add. You are an amazing writer. I was reading this and thinking, you've got to publish this, because it is just so captivating. You have my admiration.

Trees stood by the way, miserable and bent-backed, peel-skinned as desperados and the air chugged and slurred.


I love this description, you paint such imagery with your words it is awesome.

Their feet broke twigs and old leaves, the only noise.


You said they are barefoot, so wouldn't this hurt?

“Be a Godawful shame.”


I think that needs to be capitalized. But I could be wrong.

“Shoot, kid, we're not in Sunday school right now. I can do what I want.”


They walked a little further, picking through the dead skeletal tallgrass and the wiry blackberry vines that grabbed at them like barren mothers hungry for a child.


I really liked the description of the barren mother hungry for a child, it was so vivid in my mind.

A little while longer, rooting down the slumped back of a bank, where knobby tree-roots stood out of the ground, and they came to a little river
.

I didn't really like how you used rooting and roots in the same sentence, to me it seemed redundant, plus I don't think rooting is the proper word. Perhaps you could replace rooting with something like grappling or clambering.

The water played with his feet demurely, like a lazy whore.


I disagree with Hannah. I like this description, it sounds rough and country, kind of how I imagine the landscape this story takes place in. Although I am confused as to what age the brother is.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Let's go, Godssakes!

C'mon! C'mon! Let's get out of here! Godssakes, we need to tell somebody!


I think you had meant to leave all of this out of quotations, but it feels off to me. I would either put them in quotation marks or italicize them. Of course, you get the final say. Other than those little nitpicks I have nothing to offer. I think you are very good at what you do and would love it if you would PM me if you post anymore to this story. Thanks!
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.




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Hey, Kylan.

Annie shrugs. Her little flowerprint dress is sucked up against the skin with all her sweat, and you can see her bony, hipless shape. Her tongue slithering out of her mouth to lick her lips, like a timid cuckoo emerging from the geared guts of a clock. “How much longer?”


You've changed tenses here.

Okay, Kylan, I really, really liked this. This is the type of story that I could very easily get into. I no doubt will continue to read this story.

I don't have very many complaints. There is one thing, though. And that's the end; it's feels... like it just ends. It's not exactly a cliffhanger, which is probably what you were going for. We've gotten past the initial shock, and now we're interested in what the two children will be doing. By leaving us off there, I feel like you haven't given us enough. But, I mean, reading a story on the internet is quite different than reading a book: there's always another page in a book.

So... what I guess I'm saying is, I really would like to read more of this.

Your characters are kind of lame. It's like they've been done a million times before. The problem I have with Jerry is that he's a sterotypical farm boy, and the problem I have with Annie is she is fairly flat. She doesn't have much to her just quite yet; I don't know if you're going to be sticking with these characters for another couple chapters, but you should consider giving Annie more personality than the little sister who finds the dead body.

That's all I can see so far. Great job! I want to read more!

-Jared
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




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Well Ky, here I am. Sorry it took me so long to get to this.

So, overall, this is a good story. It's not really my cup of tea, as I believe I told you already, but that doesn't keep me from denying it is good. The description, grammar, everything flows together quite well.

Sorry I don't have a lot to say. Perhaps more will come to me in the second review.

-Conrad
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Hey there Ky!

I said I was going give a critique, well possibly several since you have about three of these posted, but here I am!

The heat blistered the ground until the dirt dried up and you could crumble in between your fingers, red and chalky.


There should be an 'it' between 'crumble' and 'in'

Try: "The heat blistered the ground until the dirt dried up and you could crumble it in between your fingers, red and chalky."

Slim-bellied cockroaches with retracted, jointed legs.


This is a fragment.
Coghill County was listless and dry-lipped as it was regarded by the sun, ticking and overheated, like a cooling engine.


Ooh I love this sentence.
They walked up until they came to a speed limit sign fallen over the back of a barbed fence that penned all the trees in. The two kids walked off the road and Jerry helped his sister over the fence, and then stepped carefully over himself. The trees hid their greenery like a sin. They kept it out of reach and choked. A quiet whisper played through the fingers of the trees – an insubstantial suggestion of wind above the tree tops – but otherwise the woods they walked through were silent. The mean dry deadness of the day settled over everything, sitting in the crooked limbs of the trees. Their feet broke twigs and old leaves, the only noise.


Really good paragraph.

Wow, I quite liked this. The dialogue between your two characters was believable and I could picture everything. This seems fresh and new, and it almost seems like this is the first thing I've read by you, so I was taken aback. But good job! I cant really picture whats going to happen next but I will keep on reading to find out.

~Angel
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star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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Ky! Phew... I'm finally here. I'm sorry it took so long. :(

The heat blistered the ground until the dirt dried up and you could crumble in between your fingers, red and chalky

This is a particularly clumsy beginning. I think you're either missing a word in here, or you mean that a person can crumble in between their own fingers which is an awkward and unsuccessful image. I'm assuming you're missing a word in there. "You could crumble IT in between your fingers".

Your imagery in this story is fabulous. I know you always do well with imagery, but I can really just feel the heat and the sticky mud of the woods and all the natural details, they just come up right out of the text here, I am truly amazed at your ability to that here. Your description of the two main characters is truly fabulous, though as of right now they aren't very interesting. They're dull because they're so typical... a bossy older brother and a hesitant little sister who gets told what to do but doesn't always listen. There's nothing really that stands out when it comes to character, but wow does your physical description of them stand out.

I'm assuming character might come out in them further on, or perhaps they're irrelevent further on in the story. It's too soon for me to judge.

One difference I found in this story in comparison to others is that your sentences are on average shorter, so some areas sound very choppy, which I didn't find entirely too appealing as it occurred again and again throughout the story. You did this even when you weren't listing descriptions, but in typical areas of the story. It made me feel slightly agitated, anyway, which is a nice effect if that is what you're going for, and sad if that's not what you aim to achieve. Combining sentences and smoothing that out is easy, though.

PM me if you have any questions! I hope I'm helpful. :)

~ Clo
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Hey there, Ky. Been a while, eh?

His jaw was slung open slightly because it was so hot and [s]so[/s] his tongue was tacky as candy.


No need for the second one.

The mean dry deadness of the day


One of these needs to go. I suggest 'mean' - keep building up on the heat.

“Shoot, [s]kid,[/s] we're not in sunday school right now. I can do what I want.”


Eck. I can't imagine a brother saying that to his sister, in any circumstance. It feels wrong. Unless you mean for it to be an annoying, arrogant put-on on his part, that is. In which case, its his character that annoys me rather than the word.

Her tongue slithering out of her mouth to lick her lips, like a timid cuckoo emerging from the geared guts of a clock


You do this a lot and I'm not sure how bad a thing it is '-ing words' - it's all happening, to-be, never done and finished and in the past. Her tongue slithered out - this is why so many of words become fragments, shifting them into proper past tense will make most of them work on their own.

Their little white toes, turning pink and wrinkly


Again. Shift.

Their little white toes turned pink and wrinkly.

Annie didn't move.

She stood still in the heat, waxy-backed and a shawl of water droplets on her skin.

“Annie.”

He sloshed towards her.

Cicadas murmured.


This is too contrived, my friend. Too obvious a set-up and so, for me anyway, failed to build any tension or suspense. Mix it up.

Let's go, godssakes!
C'mon! Let's get out of here! Godssakes, we need to tell somebody!


The first two Let's go's worked very well without quotation, as though he didn't even speak them, it was just an imperative; created a distancing effect, showed his shock. The next two, however - as shown above - should be spoken and quoted. Will work with far more impact.

Annie moving out of the water dazed.


Another fragment. 'Annie moved out of the water.'

I'd cut dazed, I think its implied well with the simplicity of the sentence.

~ - ~

Right. This was great stuff. It felt a bit repetitive, a bit like you're still in And the Skies writing mode - which isn't really what you want but there is still some difference and the strength of the writing is such that I'm inclined to disregard that. Unlike most other works by you, I thought the short sharp sentences worked well, were integrated consistently throughout and really aided the story.

Great descriptions. Solid opening.

Luck with it,
Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko




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I really like all the descriptive language, but you tend to switch several times from present to past to present tense. its distracting and takes away from the story.

Also, the language that Jerry uses and the descriptions, like 'a lazy whore' really jolts the reader. Jerry doesn't seem that old in the story, as you refer to 'Their little white toes, turning pink and wrinkly'. You make Jerry seem young yet the way he acts is the way a crude young man would, if you get my drift.

You tend to have many fragments in here, which the others pointed out already. Another point is that at the end, you make it seem like he is talking when he says,

'Let's go, godssakes!
C'mon! Let's get out of here! Godssakes, we need to tell somebody!'

If it is a thought, then underline it or bold it. if he is saying the words, then put quotation marks.

your descriptions of the characters are amazing, i could literally see them when i read. However, they are very typical, as i think someone may have mentioned. thats okay if you are trying to emphasize that they really are just normal kids trying to entertain themselves. I find that you show their personalities through dialogue really well, and you get the sense of the bossy annoying brother and the sister who seems kind of a mystery to me.

You don't really know what she is thinking, whether she is smart but silent because she doesn't like to or want to talk, or if she is cunning. you have no idea if it actually the opposite, and she is just dull. that draws the reader in, making them want to know more. good job on this piece!
“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”




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The heat blistered the ground until the dirt dried up and you could crumble in between your fingers, red and chalky. Trees stood by the way, miserable and bent-backed, peel-skinned as desperados and the air chugged and slurred.
This beginning is much too descriptive and not catchy enough. It makes some readers snooze and close the book. Same the descriptions for after the hook.
Cicadas murmured.
I don't think cicadas murmur.
The heat spoiled.
The last two paragraphs was a good cliffhanger, but the last sentence isn't as good. Instead of making a subtle last sentence, really scare the readers so that they have to read the next chapter.
Very nice imagery through out the chapter.
Good job and good luck!
Sometimes you're the apple, sometimes you're the mouth- me XD



I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe